A Third Person in the Room May Just Be the Solution

Whenever I have some downtime, or in need of some good karma, I often catch myself giving relationship advice on Reddit.

I find it a fun way to spend my time, helping others.

Someone had posted a question on how to make a marriage last a lifetime. I have been with my husband for almost a decade, but married for two years so far— I decided to share my advice.

To my surprise, I received numerous upvotes for the advice, and lots of thank you comments. Apparently, what I shared was not as common as I thought.

Here’s my advice to couples during a conflicting situation:

“Imagine an important third person in the room watching you”

Yes, I am aware it can sound creepy. However, when you’re in the middle of an argument with your SO, imagining an important third person in the room can be beneficial.

The important person can be a family member or a close friend. Someone you respect and care about. Or even a judge in a courtroom hearing.

You would not want the important third person to witness how you talk down or belittle your partner during a conflict, would you? Or even vice-versa.

Imagining a third person in the room helps you communicate with kindness and respect even when you are angry.

How it worked for me

I came to this realization one day when I caught myself bickering at my husband while I was cooking. I had a dramatic moment (more like a Kardashian moment).

He was only trying to help me in the kitchen, but I didn’t want to be disturbed. So I started nagging and went way beyond the topic just because I was irritated.

For a second, I paused, and thought, “what if my mother-in-law sees how upset I get over my husband trying to help me?”. I would certainly be ashamed of my actions, especially if I got way overboard. I know I didn’t have to be dramatic, but I just needed to be more rational and gain self-control.

I also tried to picture it the other way around. What if my husband started nagging at me when I was only trying to help him out? To make matters worse, what if my parents witnessed him doing so? Then they would most likely reach ridiculous conclusions thinking he might be too emotional or just verbally abusive.

So many scenarios started running through my mind on how it would have been perceived if it were to be watched by people close to us. One atrocious assumption after the other, for sure. No one knows your relationship better than you and your partner.

In a nutshell, I experienced an epiphany that there is no point in talking down to your partner if you don’t have the guts to do it in front of loving families and friends.

If it makes you uncomfortable thinking about it, then it simply doesn’t align with your values.

Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t that I care about what people think. I am usually free-spirited. However, just because I feel independent, it doesn’t make it right to degrade my relationship in such a way due to a marital argument or conflict.

It isn’t beneficial to argue.

Conflicting situations arise from opposing point of views. Many couples argue. Even those lovey-dovey (sometimes cringy) couples on Instagram argue. It’s part of being in a relationship.

According to a recent scientific article published in the journal Couple Relationships in a Global Context, conflict in couples that sets the tone for divorce arises from financial disagreements, infidelity, power shifts, domestic violence, addiction, and falling out of love.

If your most recent argument with your partner doesn’t involve the aforementioned reasons, then is it really worth the fight?

What differentiates couples in an argument is how communication was delivered, and how conflict was handled in the darkest times.

Dale Carnegie, author of How To Win Friends and Influence People says:

“You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it.”

One always comes out of an argument with their ego slightly crushed and relationships weakened.

In most relationships, one party usually ends up compromising for the sake of ending the unhealthy conversation.

It doesn’t always have to be that way.

Love is patient and kind.

When you have close ties to your loved ones, they wouldn’t want to find out that you and your partner talk down to each other when no one’s around.

Of course, conflicts with your partner are often private. However, it doesn’t mean it can’t be improved.

Being in a loving relationship takes effort. It can be more natural for some more than others. No one is keeping tabs here. It’s all about enhancing your OWN relationship to become better than it is yesterday.

If you’re in a marriage or a relationship for the long run, imagining an important third person during a conflict can help ground your values, and tame your ego.

Just think, “What would ________ think if she/he saw us acting this way?”.

It can be rather humiliating, so it’s best to realize and be aware of what you’re doing and take a step back. As Richard Carlson says, “don’t sweat the small stuff”.

Key Takeaway

Overall, when couples face a disagreement, it can easily turn ugly. You say words you regret or get stung by the words of your partner.

Why should we treat our partner any different behind closed doors?

The way you choose to communicate gets tested during the toughest situations.

When you depict a third important person in the room during an argument with your partner, it enables you to remain grounded to the values you cherish.

There is no winning in any argument. We can protect your relationships by choosing to communicate with kindness and respect, even in the most challenging times.

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Previously published on medium

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