Here’s a sure fire way to get taken seriously as a man in every situation.
– – –
How does being a man of your word show up in your life? Here are a handful of characters with different ways of handling accountability. If you want to be taken seriously as a man, figure out how you show up, and get clear on who you’re going to be. This is your first and best tool for creating the impact you want to have in your personal life and the world at large.
The Rigid Man
If you were raised in a way that you were told to keep your word always, and punished when you didn’t – you may have developed habits of rigidity, where following through without sensitivity to the environment can make you less trustworthy instead of more. You might have been shamed, humiliated, criticized or even physically punished for not following through. A man who has been put through harsh overtraining in this way keeps his word out of fear of punishment, rather than integrity. Then he sticks the course no matter what, even when it is no longer serving anyone. A good antidote to this kind of conditioning is to regularly review your commitments, and to make sure that they are still in everyone’s best interest, and then if necessary to revise them.
The Flowing Man
Some men either live in reaction to that kind of very disciplined conditioning, or they were never held accountable to following through on anything. Either way, too much attention to what feels good in this moment will not only cause other people to trust your word less, it also diminishes your trust in yourself. When a man sees himself as untrustworthy and weak, and lacks confidence on following through with things, it erodes his feeling of worthiness, and of being whole and complete.
When a man sees himself as untrustworthy and weak, and lacks confidence on following through with things, it erodes his feeling of worthiness, and of being whole and complete.
|
This is very much like eating ice cream, which initially tastes good. If you keep eating it, day after day, you will not feel good in the long run. On the other hand, if you make a sacrifice, abstain from ice cream and choose instead to eat vegetables and salad and nourishing food, it may not give you so much immediate pleasure, but after a week or two you will feel much healthier.
If you make decisions based on immediate pleasure or avoiding discomfort, it is like the initial rush of ice cream. But there is not much sustained benefit in it. When you do things because you said you would do them, it may feel uncomfortable or like a sacrifice in the short term, but it leads to a much greater sense of sustained well-being in the long-term.
The Over-promising Man
It is important to find a level of commitment to goals that you can realistically achieve within the time you set. Making a commitment to change everything all at once can weaken you, rather than help you grow. In this way, New Year’s resolutions often cause a man to trust himself less, because most people (men especially) do not follow through. It is better to make small doable commitments each day, and then to keep them, no matter what.
People who have trouble paying their bills often latch onto magical thinking and talk about “financial independence” – making millions of dollars through ambitious schemes. People who pay their bills on time usually just think about the next step. Start with small manageable goals, keep your word with those, and you overcome your resistance to following through that increases your personal power and confidence.
The Stressed Out Man
When you feel overwhelmed, upset, overtired or angry, you are most likely to break your commitments. But that is the worst time to make decisions. Decisions made while stressed are likely to be least aligned with your long-term vision. Following them will lead to a spiral of feeling weak, not following through, therefore feeling weaker, and down it goes. When you feel emotionally imbalanced, it is better to make no decisions, but instead do a rigorous workout, or meditate, or just wait until you have had a good night sleep.
The Excuse Making Man
Sometimes you break your word. We are all human. If you break your word, there is no need to offer a long explanation of why. It really does not help anybody. If you are late, and you were caught in a terrible traffic jam, and your phone had run out of juice, and… and… and, the only relevant information needed is that you were late. Offering an elaborate story for why you did not do what you said you would do identifies you a victim of circumstance. You hypnotize yourself with your own stories, and then start selling them to other people. If you begin to convince yourself that you are the victim of circumstances beyond your control – this attitude will shape every aspect of your life.
If you begin to convince yourself that you are the victim of circumstances beyond your control – this attitude will shape every aspect of your life.
|
Men often assume that if they offer a good enough reason, that they will be let off the hook. But people are much more interested in knowing that you recognize the impact of your actions, and that you do not consider breaking your word to be normal behavior.
When you have broken on your word, there is no simple pill, no perfect thing to say. You will need to ride it out. But there are a lot of things that can make it worse, and making excuses is at the very top of the list.
If you break your word, be careful about focusing on the other person’s upset. “I’m really sorry I was late, there was a traffic jam, I’m really sorry that now you are emotionally upset and reactive.” That is a way of pathologizing the other person. You might as well say, “I’m so sorry that you overreacted, I’m so sorry that you are neurotic and insecure.”
In the long run – I’ve found my best course of is to fully acknowledge the impacts of my actions and take steps to make it right.
The Unfocused Man
We live in an incredibly distracted and distracting culture. Often we feel like our attention is being pulled in so many directions at the same time. It can feel like being pulled apart.
Chose the time of the day when you feel most quiet, focused and clear, and write your list of commitments in that state. Then just keep to it, and slowly cross items off, one by one throughout the day. If you notice yourself losing focus, it is a good idea to have some tricks up your sleeve to clear your head again. Exercise, drinking water, fresh air, or scanning the body will all help you to return to the state where you knew what to do.
Like most men, you probably have more than one way of handling accountability. What I have found most helpful, in the big picture, is making sure I am conscious and deeply aware of the kind of man I want to be. My intention and focused awareness sets the stage for being the man of my word that I want to be.
– – –
Arjuna Ardagh is the author of “the Translucent Revolution,” and “Better Than Sex.” Ardagh is partnering with John Gray, author of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” and the ManKind Project USA to host a series of conversations with globally recognized thought leaders, entrepreneurs, and authors on conscious manhood. Look for more posts coming from the Conscious Men Summit – coming in November. ConsciousMenSummit.com
– – –
image: DollarPhotos.com