We picture fairy tales when we dream of love: happily ever after, intertwined souls, hearts beating as one. But the statistics are sobering — about 70% of relationships don’t survive the first year.
I’m no love guru, but after a few rounds on the relationship rollercoaster, I’ve come to a pretty eye-opening realization: all my failed relationships had something in common:
No, I’m kidding. Although that’s something an ex did say to me when I broke up with them. Among other hurtful things.
So, was the common factor me being unlucky in love? No, although that crossed my mind a few times. Some actual patterns and themes kept popping up in my relationships that I simply couldn’t see — or accept — at the time.
If you’re reading this article I guess there are some issues in your relationship you’re trying to fix, so here’s my experience — I hope it helps you.
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I think I need to clarify what I mean when I say “failed” relationships. I’m not just referring to any old breakup.
Sometimes people part ways but you can still celebrate the love and cherish the good moments you two shared.
I’m talking about those connections that leave you feeling drained and broken. The ones that leave you questioning your worth, your sanity, and whether love is even worth it at all (spoiler alert: it always is).
That’s what constitutes a failed relationship for me.
Now that’s out of the way, here’s what I realized all my failed romances had in common:
We spoke two different languages
It’s one thing to hear/read that poor communication can shatter a relationship and another to actually be left in a sea of unspoken words and unmet needs because you can’t communicate with your partner.
If you ask me now about my past relationships I’m still not sure what was the #1 root of our inability to communicate properly.
Was it because we had different love languages? Or our different communication styles were to blame? Did one of us — or both — lack emotional intelligence at the time? Did our experiences and traumas influence how we perceived certain behaviors? Would we have communicated better if we weren’t so stressed about work and family obligations?
I’m not sure. Maybe it was a mix of all these factors.
The point is that despite our best intentions, we misunderstood each other’s signals and cues. It was a cycle of misinterpretations and unspoken expectations. We exchanged words but it was as if we were speaking different languages.
It’s incredibly frustrating because you’re trying to connect with someone, but every time you make an attempt to bridge the gap, your efforts fall short. You express your feelings but the other person just doesn’t get it. And then you start to wonder if it’s even worth the effort, if maybe it’s better to just keep your thoughts to yourself rather than risk being misunderstood once again. So you end up burying your feelings and carrying the weight of unexpressed emotions, expectations, and needs.
It’s a toxic cycle, to say the least.
Sooner or later, you come to a sobering realization: there are some people you just can’t communicate or connect with, no matter how hard you try.
Clinging to false hope only prolongs the inevitable and keeps you chained to a relationship that just can’t serve you. You know what you should do instead?
Release yourself from the burden of trying to make something work that was never meant to be.
We didn’t apologize properly
When conflict remains unresolved in a relationship, it creates a rift between you and your partner that slowly erodes trust and intimacy.
Wounds remain open.
For example, in my most intense short-term romance, after every fight my partner would brush things off with a quick “I’m sorry” without really delving into why or for what they were apologizing or how they could make things right. And I’m the kind of person who needs you to acknowledge what you did wrong and be specific about how you’re going to make it better.
If you say all kinds of hurtful things, I need you to acknowledge and apologize for every single one of them. I need more than just a blanket apology.
Unfortunately, as I observed this behavior in my partner during our first fights, I stooped to the same level. I guess it was out of resentment. It was stupid of me, because it only perpetuated the cycle of miscommunication and resentment.
As you can guess, we couldn’t seem to find our way back to each other through all the misunderstandings and hurt feelings, which ultimately spelled the end for us.
Now that unhealthy romance has ended, if you were my friend and you’d ask me for advice after a fight with your partner, I’d tell you:
a) you’re an adult; act like one and own up to your mistakes
b) if you require more than just a surface-level apology to move past a conflict, you should say so
c) when conflicts arise (because they will), don’t mimic behavior that doesn’t align with who you are
We were on different paths
When you and your partner have different priorities, sooner or later, they start to clash, pulling you further apart.
If you’ve ever been in a relationship with a big age gap, you know what I’m talking about. But even if you are the same age as your partner, you might still find yourselves on different pages. In my book, I found myself in relationships with people who:
- weren’t ready for commitment whereas I wanted a long-term relationship
- hadn’t figured out what they wanted from a relationship, whereas I knew exactly what I wanted from a partner
- were all about advancing their career, whereas I was more focused on personal growth and living life
I’m a big romantic, so, no matter the person I was with, time after time, I hoped we could work things out. But time after time, our conflicting priorities started causing friction. We argued often and struggled to understand each other’s perspectives.
I still remember a time when a guy I was seeing started feeling frustrated that I wasn’t as ambitious as he was, and wanted me to change my priorities so that I could fit more into his career-driven lifestyle. He would drop hints about how I could be doing more with my career or how I should be more goal-oriented.
It was exhausting, trying to be someone I wasn’t just to please him. I don’t think he was wrong to want a career-driven woman by his side, but he should have broken up with me instead of trying to change me to fit his ideals.
It made me realize that when you and your partner have different priorities, conflicts will inevitably arise, and those conflicts can gradually widen the gap between you.
At some point, you have to face a difficult decision — do you continue to try to make it work, holding onto hope that you’ll eventually find common ground? Or do you accept that maybe you’re better off pursuing your own paths separately?
Take it from me — staying in the relationship can only lead to more frustration and resentment in the long run.
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There’s a song by Hozier that at some point goes,
“I know we want this to go easy by being somebody’s fault
But we’ve gone long enough to know this isn’t what we want”
It’s easy to blame the other person every time a relationship fails and forget to turn the spotlight inward.
So I want to invite you to take a moment to think about your own experiences.
Take some time to think about the common themes in your past relationships. Do you notice a pattern of communication issues? Maybe a tendency to sweep conflicts under the rug? Or perhaps a recurring struggle with trust?
Recognizing any relationship patterns you’ve been going through will be beneficial whether you’re currently trying to make things work with a partner or hope you’ll be in a relationship in the near future.
Think about what worked, what didn’t, and what you want you would like to do differently moving forward.
Do that, and you’re already ahead of the game.
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Thank you for reading! If you liked this article, consider subscribing to my free newsletter for more relationship advice, tips, and stories.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Michael Prewett on Unsplash
