Amazon® Must Be Sending My Paper Towels From China, Mexico, or Canada

Are my toilet paper and paper towels coming from a tariffed country? Have Mexico, Canada or China held up my paper products out of spite?

Why else would they take almost a week to arrive?

Paper towels — and toilet paper — are not things one orders on a whim, nor when there are plenty left in the pantry. Not unless you’re a prepper. Or not me.

I wait until the last minute for everything. That’s why I forgot to save for retirement. Now I’ll have to live to 150 to retire. Sigh. I hope I’ll have enough toilet paper and paper towels!

Fortunately, the Dude Wipes® I use arrive on a subscription schedule, so I usually have those on hand. Even then, I was down to the last one, and was about to resort to wash cloths when the toilet paper arrived. I know what you’re thinking, “Ewww”.

Tell me you haven’t done it.

The toilet paper came three days later. The paper towels aren’t here yet. Are they on a slow boat from China? Are they being sent by illegal immigrants across the Canadian border?

Are my toilet paper and paper towels coming from a tariffed country? Have Mexico, Canada or China held up my paper products out of spite?

I realize these are entirely first world problems. Or maybe just U.S. problems.

At least I need paper towels and toilet paper because I’m actually eating. For now. We’ll see after grocery prices continue to rise if and when tariffs actually go into effect to stay.

Without food, I won’t need paper towels or toilet paper.

I digress.

While waiting for my paper towels to arrive, I’m having to drag out the cloth napkins.

Which means laundering them after each use, and (gasp) ironing them. Which I don’t do anyway, but I have good intentions.

At least with the wash cloths used for toilet paper I only have to launder them. With bleach, of course. But no ironing. Unless you’re that person. And I’m not.

I’m the person who orders toilet paper and paper towels when I’m out, not before. Can you imagine that person, who orders after running out, ironing at all? Certainly not ironing wash cloths substituted for toilet paper.

My grandmother called them wash rags, which sounds embarrassingly old-fashioned and country. So I always say wash cloths. Because I’m bougie like that.

On the other hand, when or if used as substitute toilet paper, perhaps calling them wash rags is more appropriate. Maybe even ass rags, to differentiate from the wash cloths I use on my face and the rest of my body.

Meanwhile, the paper towels are still in transit. I can only assume they’re coming from countries the Fool In Chief has threatened with or imposed tariffs upon.

I can see one of those countries putting all orders from the U.S. in a big warehouse with signs saying, “Good Luck Getting Your Stuff, American Chump”.

I suppose this is my karmic punishment for continuing to use Amazon®. I promise I’ll stop if my paper towels ever arrive. Maybe even make a trip to an actual local store for toilet paper and paper towels. And everything else.

It might also be time to finally stop procrastinating and stock up on essentials on time.

Maybe it’s also time to finally install the bidet I’ve had in the bathroom cabinet since the pandemic.

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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.

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