Hey Wendy,
When I talk to my boyfriend about who or what’s stressing me out, he’ll say things like, “that sucks,” or “I know you’re upset,” or “sounds unfair to you.” For example, I told him I’m stressed over working two jobs” and his response was “that’s really unfair to you babe.” Similarly, when talking about things that anger me, he’ll say “you’ll be okay,” and “it’ll blow over.” Most of this is over text. In person he’s a little better, sometimes asking follow-up questions but never really offering comfort.
Am I being unreasonable by wanting more from him? I’d like some solutions from him, to be able to talk it out, etc. He’s more rational where I’m more emotional.
Sara T.
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Hey Sara,
Your question is common and fixable.
You are not unreasonable to want more from him; we all get to want what we want. But it is unreasonable to expect him to just know what to do.
I bet your guy wants to give you what you need communication-wise and to be there for you emotionally. But he’s not a mind-reader. If you want more from him, like someone to talk solutions with, you’ve got to speak up. It could go like this:
You: “I’m stressed over working two jobs.”
Him: “That’s really unfair to you babe.”
You: “I know, right?! Can you help me think of a solution so I don’t have to keep doing this?”
Or…
You: “I’m stressed over working two jobs.”
Him: “That’s really unfair to you babe.”
You: “I know, right?! I know there’s no good solution right now, but can you please rub my back for a few minutes and tell me it’s going to be okay? That would really help me.”
Giving him a way to win with you when you are upset is gold.
You won’t be able to count on him (or anyone else for that matter) to self-generate the perfect set of follow-up questions. If you’re bringing your partner a problem, give him some dialogue direction to help you two work it out together. And the important things? Yeah, that’s not for text, that’s for IRL. Save it for a time when you’re together and he’s not busy doing something else.
So, this boyfriend of yours, with “that’s unfair babe” and “you’ll be okay”? That is him soothing you.
From my point of view, he’s doing his very best version of soothing you until things resolve. He’s being there for you in his own way.
This is good boyfriend material.
If you need something different, ask for it.
And…you asked why he doesn’t offer solutions? Be careful what you ask for. The other complaint I get (often) is “All I wanted to do is tell him I’m stressed out from working two jobs, and he jumped in and tried to tell me what I should do instead! Why can’t he listen to me? What an insensitive jerk!”
Most women don’t like it when a man tries to solve her problems when she’s complaining. Then he’s nothing more than a man-splainer.
A common response to a man trying to offer solutions right off the bat is she gets pissed off because he’s “not listening” to her. That’s totally baffling to men, by the way. And that’s also another column for another day.
Can you see how we (accidentally) set people up so they can’t win with us?
Men are naturally inclined to want to solve problems, but they don’t always know how. Help him keep you in good shape by offering more information, and in doing so, please don’t make him feel bad for not already knowing. Also, he’s your partner, which means he can only help with part — you have to help yourself with the other part. Trust that he’s doing his best.
If you want to learn more about what you can and can’t expect from your boyfriend, grab my Happy in Love audio (and video) series. You’ll get a new framework for relationships and will open the door to more happiness, freedom, connection, and safety. It’s a fluffy title, Happy in Love, but it’s aptly named — it’s a substantive and meaty workshop that delivers results.
Good luck!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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