We appreciate you.
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Dear Mr. Nice Guy,
Contrary to popular belief that you might finish last in this world, you absolutely come first for me. And not just for me, for a lot of other girls, too.
We want you, Mr. Nice Guy. We want the honorable man who is motivated by the kindness of his heart, not by what he can wager in return. The guy who doesn’t expect a reward for being a good person. Who especially doesn’t see himself as a woman’s means to an end.
So stop reading here if you think being the nice guy is as surface-level as paying for dinner or walking her home or telling her she looks beautiful. These gestures don’t automatically make you kind, especially if they’re backed by ulterior motives. You can pay for the meal, but still be cruel company. You can ensure she makes it home safely and simultaneously make her feel uncomfortable. It’s less about your actions and more about the quality of your intentions.
Most guys who are convinced they are nice, aren’t. Girls can smell the difference. Truly nice guys have honest, pure objectives. They won’t be angry if you don’t sleep with them afterwards or put that kind of pressure on you in the first place. They want to be in your company simply because they enjoy being in your presence. And yes, that’s enough for us, too.
Because being nice doesn’t mean you are weaker. And this is where the confusion happens. You can be masculine, tough and assertive while at the same time good-hearted and well-intentioned. It’s kind of like having a rough or intimidating exterior, but being a total sweetheart on the inside.
That’s the kind of mystery and excitement we women are attracted to — not this notion of a bad boy who brings drama and pain. We don’t want the unavailable bad boy who has burned us countless times. We’re smart girls and we know better than that. We know the good ones when we spot them.
And to that point, there’s a difference between nice guys who get taken advantage of and nice guys who take advantage. One showers a woman with superficial displays of affection like free food and drinks, while the other showers a woman with passion and curiosity. Guess which guy sticks around?
It’s not that we don’t want you, Mr. Nice Guy. It’s that it’s really hard to find you. So, in the meantime, we date a bunch of not-as-nice-guys in hopes that maybe we’ll find you when we least expect it. We’re holding out for you though, so don’t give up on us Nice Girls because you think being an assh*le is better.
After all this waiting around and failed relationships, we want the good guys who are uncomplicated and sweet. The girls who say they do but don’t or who can’t appreciate these men aren’t good girls, either.
These are the girls who discourage Mr. Nice Guys like yourself from pursuing more women. These girls aren’t ready for a relationship like the one we have been preparing all these years for.
Nice guys are the ones who don’t have to question their actions. Who are smart enough to know that when it didn’t work out with an ex that it wasn’t because they were too nice. Both good and bad people experience terrible things and failed relationships, which is independent of their character. One has no bearing on the other.
We recognize that it’s harder to play the kind, loving man than it is to play the hardened bad boy. It’s harder to live every day with integrity and morality than it is to cut corners and cheat. But that sense of self and respect is way sexier than any liar or cheater. We appreciate you.
So, Mr. Nice Guy, what’s it going to be? Are you going to give up being nice and toughen yourself from love, as you’re so tempted to do? If you want to prove you’re not as weak as you may think you come across, you’ll keep putting yourself out there for us. Because we nice girls haven’t given up on you.
I know one day we’ll cross paths. I know it might not be head-over-heels or drama or fireworks. I know it will be heart-warming and genuine.
And to me, that sounds nice.
– Laura
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LAURA ARGINTAR is an experienced writer, comedienne and low-key science nerd. Listed among her achievements are performing stand-up throughout New York City, graduating from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Science and being the first woman in history to twerk at a 2 Chainz concert. LARG – as her friends call her – enjoys covering women’s topics, watching celebrities self-destruct and rising to any occasion.
This post originally appeared at Elite Daily. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo: Harsha K R/Flickr
Was this article supposed to be motivating?
Because I found it rude and insulting.
Thank God I already have a long-term partner, because if I were single and believed this represented the attitudes of the ‘best a girl has to offer a nice guy”, I’d have “stopped trying” to be nice as a result of reading it… for the purpose of avoiding ending up with a girl like that.
LOL… ” It’s not that we don’t want you, Mr. Nice Guy. It’s that it’s really hard to find you.” What a load of CRAP, Nice guys are always there. Trying their best to get your attention and they get blown off for the A-Hole. They get told “oh, you’re too nice” “I don’t see you like that ” “I don’t want to mess up our friendship” and gets slammed into the dreaded “Friend Zone” and in most cases, sadly He puts himself in the Friend Zone in hopes that you wake up one day and realize he’s there. All… Read more »
This is crap. If I can spot the d’bag guys then clearly females can. You truly want and hope that you can change them. You don’t want to give the guys like me a chance. We have fun too….but we treat you right along the way. You don’t want us bc we are the safe choice. And if we give up on love, it’s not bc we can’t find you yet, it’s bc we don’t want the girl who had her fun with all the bad guys, has two kids, and is now divorced after thinking she could change the… Read more »
A nice guy who asks a woman out because he enjoys her company is called a friend, but even in cases of friendship, I would expect reciprocity. Maybe not to the same extent, but I would expect her to do nice things for me. Nice guys who do nice things for women out of the goodness of their heart are not really nice. They’re white knights. A nice guy who does nice things for everyone or people in need out of the goodness of his heart is a nice guy.
Thank you for putting the eloquent words to what I have been feeling for years! I finally met one of those nice guys who didn’t give up and let me just say it is EVERYTHING I dreamed, prayed and created vision boards about and I am so grateful! In the meantime I definitely did a lot of work on myself and my goals to be in the rig place mentally and emotionally to be ready for a great nice guy and it was all worth it. I always recommend the Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford!! It’s wonderful! Great article thank… Read more »
Reformed nice guy here. I don’t go in for these types of relationships or these type of women anymore. I’m just not into what you’re selling.
Porn and casual hookups on OKcupid do the job far better.
That’s why there is so many centuries of artdescribing the joys of porn and casual hookupd
OMG, that is too funny! Great response to Diz.
I apologize about my spelling errors up there. It makes me so sad to see guys like this who think they are protecting themselves from a cold world by locking up their heart and pretending not to care. They are only hurting themselves and not allowing the pain to heal by believing the pain is all there is. Life is risky but that is no reason to give up and make broad, sweeping decisions about your own future. I’ve been hurt by women again and again for decades but that doesn’t mean that all women are going to hurt me… Read more »
Or maybe I have a better understanding of the way the world works than you think, and opt for an easier solution.
My decisions aren’t about you or anyone else, they are about what works for me. Easy and simple works for me.
@Sam:
Maybe try and think about it this way:
It’s not about me trying to protect myself by locking the door to the outside world.
It’s more about me standing, figuratively, in the open door and generously trying to invite people, but noone’s ever interested in entering.
You’re right of course.
Sadly, the article’s author is setting a VERY poor example.
If she was supposed to represent my faith in humanity, I’d be giving up on relationships too.
Luckily, there are plenty of women that aren’t like that.
What women want is a contradictory being. An Oxymoron! They want a bad-ass mysterious edgy guy who is hard to figure out as long as he is good-heated honest, loving, fully transparent etc…. In short: although a bit exaggerated, this piece of stand-up comedy is very close to the full truth: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjoaSj-FDyk this is why it is very hard for women to find the “ideal” man unless they are willing to give up a whole lot and settle for 1/2 of what they wanted. In regards to Nice-Guys vs. Ass-Holes: Let me explain it to you from the perspective of… Read more »
Wow, that was a long diatribe. I was kind of set early on in the reading to disagree with you especially when you said to “ignore your instincts” because in general I think it is important for women (and everyone) to trust their instincts (read the Gift of Fear). However, in the context of what you wrote and what I’ve experienced when it comes to dating, I have to say that I really agree with almost everything you wrote. Some of it is is pretty fucking profound. I think I’m going to copy what you wrote and try to cut… Read more »
Laura – thanks for this. I have worked my way out of several not-nice-guys relationships and am currently happy with my partner. He is a nice guy who has worked his way past a few not-nice girls. Just keep swimming!
🙂
The #1 rule of any casino is that “the house always wins”, so why play a game you know is rigged against you from the start? Save your time, energy and money for things that are important to you
and will last in the long run.
What a beautifully heartfelt & well written piece but I just couldn’t forgive myself if I failed to bring up the following: Hay You- Jerk! 1) “Nice Guys” lack resolve. FIX THAT! 2) STOP DESEXUALIZING YOURSELF. You are not her brother. 3) Know when you are being exploited & stop being a human dish ragg! 4) DON’T BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR NON-SEXUAL RECIPROCITY. (*STOP PAYING FOR LUNCH ALL THE TIME) 5) How about loving your own life 1st then see if your luck changes. 6) the “Friend Zone” is for stupid people. Either you are her friend 100% or… Read more »
1. don’t make lists of rules in love (they mostly just show us what you are most insecure about)
These aren’t “Rules of Love”. these are rules of self preservation.
Good one
Thank god for such comments.
Who’s trying? And who is looking?
I’ve been here for the better part of 50 years. I’ve never contemplated whether I’ve been “trying” or not, or whether i’ve been “nice”. or just caring for my friends and kind to others.
I have always just been me.
And it just hasn’t been good enough.
But you keep looking, if you so desire.
I’ll be right here, just where I’ve always been.
Except there are plenty of women who do fall for it. This is blatantly incorrect, and it suggests that some people shouldn’t be believed when they assert themselves to be ‘smart’, much as some people who claim to be ‘nice’ shouldn’t either.
The nice guys described and the women are not compatible. Someone who has been burned “countless times” is better suited to a guy that has played the field. Why would some genuine guy that is recognized as “high value” chose to pair off with a woman that has played the scene to the point her exes and one night stands are countless? He is better suited to a similar woman. You know the “nice guy” that thinks he’s entitled to the hot women? On the flip side there are player girls who think they are entitled to the best partners… Read more »
Why is the number of partners important?
Lots of reasons.
Stds, paternity fraud, ability to maintain a long term relationship, emotional baggage, sexual compatibility, different attitudes, comparability …
Smart women that have not played the field aren’t exactly queuing up to commit their lives to men who have been round the field to the point their exes are countless, either.
That sounds a bit paranoid to assume that a woman who has had a greater number of partners than you is automatically at risk for STDs and paternity fraud. It is not about what came before it is about your relationship with the woman and what it means for the two of you. Like the man wrote long ago ‘comparisons are odious’.
I didn’t say these problems are inherent in women (bar paternity fraud).
I’m saying both male and female players carry risk – particularly for men as the legal system favours women and women can escape paternity frauds and abuses.
Smart men and women, who are not players screen out players and people with lots of emotional baggage from multiple previous relationships as high risk prospects.
I hate to agree with you mate but what you say is true.
Why did you misrepresent what I said?
I said neither men nor women are queuing up to or advised to chose players to settle down with.