An Un-Arranged Love Story

It all began with the dreaded question. It was the peak of summer and I was on holiday in Chennai, spending time with family. Every Indian knows that when he or she comes of age, the first question from everyone you meet is ‘When are you getting married?’

My grandpa was no exception. The question was posed out of the blue and unlike my response to other members of the family, I could not shrug it off. His probing eyes searched my face for an answer. I sheepishly looked away and told him I had no idea and that I was comfortable being single.

That was obviously not enough. With an air of authority, he stated that we would be going to visit JP that afternoon. I inhaled sharply. JP, a relative of ours ran a matrimonial service. Did grandpa have no idea that I was against arranged marriages? I had adamantly opposed my parents’ views in New Zealand about arranged marriages but apparently, word had not gotten around to my grandpa. Or maybe it had and he had turned a deaf ear to it.

Whatever the case, it would not be easy to deter grandpa from his decision. He had an iron-clad mind, toughened through growing up without a mother and being a protective guardian to his siblings at a young age. I suddenly felt a bit nauseous. Maybe if I complained that I was sick I could postpone the visit? My mind stamped down on the idea almost as fast as it came up. Grandpa was a capable doctor and would certainly see right through it.

Resigned to my fate, my mind went through possible scenarios of the evening. The whole thing seemed very superficial. What if I chose the most beautiful girl based on her photo and she ended up being a total jerk? What if she had lied on her profile and she turned out to be someone else? What if I don’t get along well with her and her family? In the midst of this rushing tornado of questions, the answer came to me. I should take things slow. There was no harm in giving this a shot as long as I did not succumb to the pressure of making a decision quickly.

One of my close friends and mentors had advised me a few months ago to write down and pray about the qualities I would look for in someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I had not taken it seriously but considering I had a few hours before we left, I took out a notebook and jotted some points down. The wishlist was to look for someone smart (to support my work and business ideas), simple, attractive in my eyes, and with a strong faith in God.

Soon enough, grandpa and I found ourselves in JP’s living room surrounded by hot cups of coffee and a plate of vadas on the center table. There was an awkwardness in the air as the conversation steered slowly from the hike in petrol prices to the matter at hand. Grandpa suddenly expressed a desire to walk around the garden outside and excused himself, thereby evading the awkwardness of the situation.

This left me alone in the room with JP. Importantly, she brought out a large stack of files and plonked them in front of me. Each file would have hundreds of profiles she explained. I was to skim through them and pick out ones I fancied. Sort of similar to an online dating site, I thought.

Rummaging through the files, Christina’s profile was the only one that jumped out at me. I snapped a photo of her details and profile and closed the files. She looked like a perfect match on paper but I was nervous about meeting her and the next steps. JP asked me if I was interested in any of the profiles. I told her I would have a think and let her know later.

All of a sudden things started happening real fast. Later that night I called my parents who were in New Zealand at the time. I told them that I had availed of the matrimonial service and had seen a profile I liked. Dad asked me to tell him about her. Shyly, I told her name, occupation, etc. When I mentioned her dad’s name he chuckled. He wondered if her dad was actually a childhood friend/distant relation of his who had the same name.

After I kept the phone down, he actually rang his friend who was a professor at a recognized University in Chennai. He mentioned that I had seen a girl’s profile I liked and was it his daughter? Stunned, the friend replied that yes it was his daughter. He told Christina what happened and shared my details with her. Now I was in India only for 5 more days before leaving for New Zealand so we had to do things fast. Christina was apparently interested so her family invited me over to their house to have a chat with her. I was excited but nervous.

When I met her family I first had to field some questions from her protective parents. Christina sat in a corner looking intently at the floor. I could tell she was attracted to me but she avoided eye contact. When we finally got some time to ourselves we opened up. Both of us shared our fears and insecurities openly. I liked how vulnerable she was. Her body language and behavior confirmed that she liked me. We spoke for an hour and a half. By the end of that time, I asked her if she would wait till December and I would come back to India and marry her then. She consented. Happy with the arrangement we went back to the lounge where her family was waiting.

I asked for her phone number in front of her parents and told her I would be in touch. On the car ride back home I texted my brother and parents that I met her and was definitely marrying her. Stunned, they called me back at once asking me to recount everything. Their reaction was justifiable since I had told them previously that I needed to know a girl for at least 2 years before I decided to marry her. The next 3 days in India before I left were spent mostly with her and then as planned we married in December and she moved with me to New Zealand.

As we approach our 3 year anniversary, we are still learning about each other and the art of compromise. The road has had its ups and downs but through it all there is an underlying current of love and mutual respect. We have faced a ton of challenges with God’s help such as moving houses, long flights, job changes, having a baby, being apart, and sleepless nights. But just like purified iron that is refined by fire, the challenges have bonded us and made us stronger.

Before I jumped into this matchmaking process, I interviewed so many people who decided to get married after talking and seeing the person just once. The answer most of them gave me was that they just knew the person was the right one for them. I still don’t understand it even though it happened to me.

Ultimately I have learned that love is a choice. Yes, it helps when you are physically attracted to each other and share common beliefs on the ‘big things’ like money, faith, and the number of kids. But every single day I need to make the choice. To listen. To compromise. And to show love.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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