A roadmap for embodying new forms of masculinity
Upon reading Architectural Drawings for Men, a woman I know suggested that I explain about the “multivariate challenge” that men face in much more detail, elaborating the ways in which guys might address the complex problem set before us.
Here’s where I think we need to do some work.
#1 The universal sense of shame that men feel. Our culture’s attitudes regarding the male body fundamentally shapes our identities as adult men, equipping us with an extremely complicated relationship to our embodied presence. In some settings we worship the male form; in others, we demonize it.
For cisgender men our conflicting views begin early. Although we are born with an innate delight in the unusual piece of equipment between our legs, we experience an enormous amount of shame regarding the penis from a very early age. During our pre-school years, we are taught that it should remain hidden from view. We later learn that this piece of our anatomy cannot be trusted. Not only does it have a mind of its own, we’re conditioned to believe that it causes as much harm as it gives us pleasure.
As we mature into men, our dominance-based culture of masculinity repeatedly sorts men into cohorts organized by our physical appearance and strength. During early childhood performance in sport and other body-centric activities define us. When puberty kicks in, we are sorted again by looks, height, and build. As we become sexually active, we are re-sorted once more by how much sex we are getting (or claim to have). This non-stop sizing each other up in the locker room of life is deeply ingrained — physically, mentally, sexually — and never stops. We swagger through our insecurities, constructing personal narratives based on what is working for us in a hierarchy that prizes aggression, competition, and hyper-sexuality.
To begin to de-weaponize the male form, we need a public art project — a “David” moment — a series of full-frontal photographs that celebrate the emergence of the new American male. We also need a social movement dedicated to reducing the stigma that society attaches to men’s bodies. Every man should spend more time in public spaces that accept male nudity, including his own backyard. Standing naked in your own truth is a liberating experience that opens men to become the embodied representation of the sacred masculine.
# 2 Recovering our feminine sides. From a very early ages boys are taught not to be “girls”. These early admonitions grow into some form of misogyny in most men, and even the exploitation of women. It also leads to men’s emotional shutdown. While I do agree that recovering relational capacities is fundamental to a reset (see below), I firmly believe that there is so much more that men can learn from women.
In her book Wild Mercy: Living the Fierce and Tender Wisdom of the Women Mystics Mirabai Starr shows women (and men) how to integrate feminine wisdom into our identities — how to appreciate the sacredness of ordinary daily life; to take a break from the world so that we can more deeply connect with its grace and beauty; to celebrate our bodies and care of our physical well-being as a form of prayer. The book also asks us to appreciate the power of union and connection; understanding of the interrelatedness of all life, and the power of individual action to heal deep division and wounds; respect for the gifts of intuition. These capacities need to be woven into the new masculine.
#3 Building our emotional and relational capacities.
Many researchers have illustrated the need to invest in the emotional intelligence of men. Converting theory into practice in The Relational Book for Parenting, Dr. Saliha Bava and Mark Greene contend that it is in the day-to-day interactions with our children or others that we model the behaviors that become the foundation for healthy relationships in adult life. Their book offers a gold mine of creative, playful practices that are fun for all ages and raise our relational and emotional EQ.
#4 Rebuilding our capacities for communication.
From a very early age boys are taught to articulate our thoughts forcefully to assert ourselves. As a result, we are not trained how to listen. Instead, we dominate the discussion, stand firm in our beliefs, are ready to respond to contrarian views, cut down the opposition, and campaign vigorously for our positions (think parliamentary debate). Symbolic attempts to synthesize opposing points of view in our winner take all society are a sign of weakness.
Men also have little fluency in the language of touch. Because we experience touch less than women from our toddler years on, we are woefully inept in the nuances of expression that are possible in physical interactions. New societal norms are making it ever more difficult for young men to acquire fluency in this area. Developing these skills require social contexts that are curious, playful, and collaborative. Men should join men’s groups that offer a safe space with trusted buddies where new behaviors can be incubated and emerge.
#5 Expressing the full range of our sexual identities.
The emerging research on the different ways in which men experience and perform their sexuality, regardless of their stated orientation, is now prolific. A younger generation of men is showing signs that they are willing to embody and express their masculinities in ways that defy prior conventions. Ritch Savin-Williams’s portraits of young straight males should be required reading for anyone who has doubts on this issue.
That said, it is also abundantly clear that millennial men are still playing it safe and performing old, harmful tropes of masculinity derived from the fifties. While contemporary society is demanding an increasing ethos of personal accountability, it’s clear that policing mutual consent requirements is not enough to make a shift. True change in behavior must come from within.
#6 Redefining success.
Our culture of masculinity is driven by the desire to acquire the markers of success that confirm our status in the hierarchy — a big house, an expensive car, a huge bank account, a beautiful wife. New definitions of success that balance our personal ambitions against our impacts on others will help dismantle this hierarchy. A couple professors at Stanford’s d.school have developed a great program for helping us conceptualize broader conceptions of life success.
#7 Becoming a spiritual male
Last, but not least, we really need to rediscover the spiritual dimension of our being. Recovering this aspect of our humanity not only restores health, but is also central to any effort to rebuilding our identities from the inside out. No attempt to reframe masculinity can be successful unless incorporates some time spent in the inner void.
This is the exploratory framework that I would recommend to any man looking to become a “new” male. It’s not a blueprint so much as a roadmap for a process of self-investigation. Ultimately, we must go on a spiritual journey to discover the interior space where we can grow into the hale and hearty frames of 21st Century men embodying new forms of the sacred masculine.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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Photo credit: Finchick, CC BY-SA4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia