Men cannot change if there are no blueprints for change
— bell hooks
I share Alex McElroy’s dismay that some men are using vulnerability as a tool for manipulating others as stated in their New York Times Op-Ed (January 13, 2022). I also agree that men must get in touch with their emotions to undo the harm of the dominance-based culture of masculinity that is conditioned into us.
I do not believe, however, that these two steps alone will “shift our expectations of manhood” in any systematic way. These are just the opening moves in a much more comprehensive undertaking.
Reframing masculinity is a multivariate challenge that requires serious work across multiple, dimensions of our being: the shame that we are taught to attach to our bodies from a very early age; the way in which the “feminine” aspects of our personalities is conditioned out of us, destroying some of the very capacities that we need to become whole; the shut-down of heart-centered communication as we strengthen our “rational” capacities at the expense of all others; the narrow range of sexual identity that men are expected to perform, despite the increasing research indicating that a range of sexualities is normal among men; the rediscovery of the language consensual touch, and its impact on our physical, emotional, and mental health; the requirement that we redefine our definitions of well-being and success, not only for our self-preservation, but for the planet. Yes, we do need to learn how to become open and vulnerable, but so much more remains to be done.
At the end of the day, what we are talking about is spiritual journey for men, a 21st Century quest in search of the Authentic or New Male. This work requires commitment to a purpose higher than our own. That’s probably why the mythopoetic movement gathered such a large following of men on similar quests in prior generations. Unfortunately, the movement did not address the failures of the king-warrior-magician-lover archetypes (and the other “lost” forms of being male — Father Sky, Green Man, Blue Man, etc.) Instead, it renewed old patterns, enabling misbehavior and mindsets to continue.
McElroy is right that men need to learn how to be emotionally vulnerable in a non-manipulative or “petulant” manner, but I would go even further. What we really need to do as men is strip ourselves down to the studs completely, removing the carefully constructed male identities that we have wrapped around our minds, bodies, and souls, and rebuild our identities from the inside out. I believe that most men are basically good guys with some very (self)-destructive habits. With some careful, thoughtful, compassionate work, it’s entirely possible that we men can reframe our beings.
It is frustrating that in 2022 we are still looking for “blueprints for change” when many men have spilled gallons of ink on these issues already. Any number of voices have provided maps of the interior landscape that we need to explore, based on their lived experience pioneering new ways of being male from the 60’s to the present. (See Getting Naked: A Field Guide for Men for my own field guide on the topic.)
The real question is why aren’t we rolling up our sleeves? I suspect the answer is that most men are okay with the status quo, scared of change, don’t see themselves as having an issue, or even being part of a problem. Ever the rugged individualists of myth and legend, we are content to run the race with our broken conditioning rather than step into the unknown. Unfortunately, success in this race is not an individual event; it’s a team sport that impacts our communities.
The evidence is mounting that our failure to deal with our dominance-based culture of masculinity is not just causing harm to women, but it is contributing to an epidemic of suicide, substance abuse, depression, a litany of health issues in men, and a plethora of societal and environmental conflicts.
We could stem the rising tide if we just get busy. The bare bones of the “New Male” are deeply embedded in our DNA. We just need to learn how to express it.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: iStock
It would be useful to not just make the statement that the mythopoetic men’s movement “did not address the failures of the king-warrior-magician-lover archetypes”, but to actually list what those failures might be. I for one have gotten great value from exploring these archetypes.