‘We’re like one big happy family,’ says the boss as they all sign-off the weekly Zoom call playing a few tunes to motivate the team. Enquiring about each other’s weekend plans as family might, the team of 10 loved working with one another and looked forward to these calls.
But really, are your co-workers family? Must they be?
When I arrived in London upon divorce, I barely knew anyone in the city. Touched by the support offered at work, I must admit there were days I looked around the office and thought, this is it, my co-workers are my family now. Their words impacted me deeply. I participated in every possible event to show that I cared and feel that I belonged.
Yet, the last decade has been one of profound learning and though there are colleagues I’ve come to love like family, I certainly don’t consider co-workers family. I also feel there’s no need.
I have my reasons.
‘I participated in every possible event to show that I cared and feel that I belonged.’
One is absolute and the other conditional
Our bond with the family is absolute and comes without Terms and Conditions. I don’t need to cook three meals a day to earn the right to be my children’s mother. Even if I completely fail to be everything a good mother should be, I’ve already earned the right to be their mother and no one can change that. No terms, no conditions. The same applies to my parents and siblings. It’s that absolute. It’s not the same at work and should not be. Our primary objective there is to get a job done in the most amicable way possible. However, we do need to get the job done. If we don’t, the terms are clear and in black and white. Sure, we can support one another as we get the job done, and we must; yet the primary objective is to get the job done.
The roles we play are hugely different
Let’s face it, we often play very different roles at work and at home and I’m not sure mixing the two would go down well. While underlying care may be a constant, I don’t want my peers treating me the way they would treat their child or for that matter, their mother. I simply want to be treated respectfully in accordance with the relationship with any co-worker at that point in time. That’s all I ask.
‘I don’t want my peers treating me the way they would treat their child or for that matter, their mother.’
Family is purpose and co-workers help to support that purpose
Many of us work to support our families. As we do, we come to rely upon the respect and support of our co-workers who help us along that journey. Yet, my family is the primary purpose I do what I do and I’m simply not ready to allow anyone else into that position of privilege. It’s a position that can’t be paid for. It’s just not for sale.
‘… I’m simply not ready to allow anyone else into that position of privilege. It’s a position that can’t be paid for. It’s just not for sale.’
Respect and niceness aren’t limited to colleagues
Finally, the why? What is the need due to which we feel obliged to see co-workers as family? If there is one, I simply don’t see it. If this is about good work, then calling someone my family will not make me work harder. I’ll put in my best because that is what I’ve committed to do. If this is about working together and looking out for one another, I do so with several others who aren’t co-workers. The building I live in is engulfed in the UK cladding crisis and as impacted residents, we constantly update one another on developments as we seek resolution. Is my entire building my family then? While looking out for one another is key to living a meaningful life, thankfully, you don’t need to show me your corporate pass for me to care. I’m capable of caring regardless of what job you do.
‘…you don’t need to show me your corporate pass for me to care. I’m capable of caring regardless of what job you do.’
Conclusion
I truly love everything I do and also care for those around me. Yet, for me, family is a whole different bond. Having that distinction actually helps me get over the difficult days at work because deep in my heart, I know I’m there to support my family. Equally, when there are days we have a difficult time at home, our co-workers support us and for that I’m grateful. Yet, the two are very different.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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