Are You a Parent Guilty of Favoritism?

My sixteen-year-old daughter just ordered a uterus keyring. She purchased a heart and a pair of lungs too.

Weird, right? Well, not if you know her.

She dreams of graduating with a nursing degree from The University of Chapel Hill. She has a 4.3 GPA, so she’s well on track to achieve her goals. She’s also well-read, responsible, and level-headed.

Then, there’s my twenty-one-year-old son.

His dream at my daughter’s age was to be a professional gamer. I supported him, but I knew the odds were stacked against him. Unfortunately, when he “gave up the dream” at nineteen, he was lost.

He still is.

When I offer help or advice, his lack of direction causes him to lash out in anger. He’s headstrong and stubborn, spewing venom when he utters his favorite phrase.

“I got this.”

The truth is he often “doesn’t [have] it.” The result? He calls, confesses his mistakes, and with his tail between his legs, asks us how to repair the damage.

I give him my best advice.

Then, my heart breaks.

The “breaking” doesn’t occur because he procrastinates, overdraws his bank account, or switches jobs every two weeks.

The anguish occurs because I know he’s ashamed and feels like a failure. The anguish also occurs because I know I’ve fostered these emotions in some ways.

Maybe you have too.

Your child knows who the “golden child” is.

As parents, we love our children intensely. Each of them occupies a special place in our hearts. Even so, at least one child in our family probably doesn’t believe our love is shared equally.

They see themselves as “second string.” Good for nothing. A failure trudging hopelessly behind the “golden child” when it comes to attaining our love.

However, we can change the way they see themselves.

Here’s how.

Add minutes and moments to reconnect with your child.

“There’s only one thing more precious than our time and that’s what we spend it on.” — Leo Christopher

If your child is feeling “second best,” one of your most important priorities should be to create more opportunities to be with them.

Essential piece of advice number one: Don’t let the “golden child” be a part of your time together.

Essential piece of advice number two: Your time together should be spent on your child’s interests. Otherwise, you damage the relationship even more than you repair it.

Point in case. I knew my son felt he paled in comparison to his sister. I knew we needed time together, so I used that time to watch movies with him.

The problem was I was selfish. For example, when it came to the movie choice, it had to be the one I wanted. I’m a thriller type, but my son loves Marvel movies and science fiction. Because I couldn’t bear the thought of wasting two hours of my life watching these types of films, I pushed for my movie choice, even after he repeatedly pleaded for his preference.

What did my actions tell my child?

What I want comes first.

That’s why it’s critical you spend time together doing what your child enjoys. Furthermore, the benefits of this bonding time multiply when you spend time doing things where your child can display their knowledge.

For example, if your child likes football, watch a game with them. Ask questions when you’re watching, especially one’s they’ll feel super smart telling you the answer to.

If your child enjoys funny YouTube videos, tell them you need a good laugh, and then ask them to show you their favorites.

If your child loves video games, play one with them. Again, it’s okay if you mess up. Ask them what buttons mean what, and trust me, they’ll have a blast watching your character die every two minutes.

Look for chances to compliment them.

“The way we speak to our children becomes their inner voice.” — Peggy O’mara

Grand Rapids Counseling Services states that “85% of the world’s population is affected by low self-esteem.”

Sounds about right, doesn’t it?

Think about how often you’ve felt stupid, incapable, or unimportant. You may even feel that way right now.

Now imagine times you’ve received praise for something. Your self-esteem rises, and your motivation does too.

The fact is even one compliment can drastically change your child’s sense of self-worth.

For example, Parenting for Brain relays three important ways praise benefits your child. They state recognition does the following:

elevates self-esteem
increases motivation
boosts perseverance

What’s most important is that, with each word of praise, your child feels that he is as important and valuable as “the good sibling.”

Important fact: The more specific you are in your praise, the more effective it will be.

For instance, don’t say “Good job!” when you can say, “It’s amazing how you dribble that ball between your legs.” Don’t say, “That was so sweet of you,” when you can say, “I love the way you offered to help take that person’s groceries to their car for them.”

Watch your words

All the special moments and compliments you give a child who feels unfavored are worthless when you continually compare them to “the favorite.”

Phrases like, “I wish you had your sister’s math smarts” or “You could accomplish so much more if you had your brother’s discipline” severely decrease your child’s sense of worth.

In addition to lowered self-esteem, parental statements implying one child is inferior to another frequently cause the following outcomes:

avoidance of the parent making the comparison
rebellious behavior
heightened anxiety and stress
injured relationships with other siblings

Looking at these effects, it’s evident that negative comparisons can lead to lifelong struggles physically, psychologically, and emotionally.

The bottom line:

Buddha says:

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.”

Whether positively or negatively, from the moment we become parents, we mold our children’s thoughts, emotions, and perspectives.

And yes, the real world also steps in and influences these things.

However, strong family bonds built on communication, support, and encouragement minimize these forces. They do so by parents constantly reminding their children they are worthy, capable, and important.

I was lucky enough to have this support, which may be why I’m going to disagree with Eleanor Roosevelt, one of the most respected women of her time.

Roosevelt said: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

Sorry, Eleanor. You should have remembered one thing.

The parent-child relationship.

Children are helpless to defend themselves against a parent’s words and actions. That’s why we need to ensure that each of our children knows we believe in them — equally.

After all, the rest of their life depends on it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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