Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)
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never want to be the one they got over
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I’d Rather Be The One That Got Away now
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the problem with that statement
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is that
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you’re always the loser well exactly
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what does Tara have to say Stephen so
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Tara says after a few relationships I am
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now starting to realize the common
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factor in all the relationships is me
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how do you become more self-aware of
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your own patterns and break them I have
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discovered I have this fear of
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Abandonment so when things get difficult
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sometimes my first instinct is to run
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and have one foot out the door I think
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it’s self-protection help
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um
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can you Jameson do you relate to that at
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all or have you never had that because I
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certainly do relate to that no I totally
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relate to that I mean it what part are
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you are you questioning like having
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patterns or just the idea of when you
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get scared when you think that someone
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might be doing something that threatens
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you or the relationship or when you when
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you’re kind of when you get triggered
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and immediately think oh I might get
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hurt here there’s that that flight
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reflex
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yeah 100 I think two
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I guess there’s two sides of it there’s
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probably the the person that is
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uh terrified of rejection so they wanna
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they want to just leave before they get
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rejected
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and then there’s the other type I could
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just think of archetypes of friends of
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mine that just they’re really good at
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being alone and so they’ll just leave
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out of a certain kind of like laziness
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or not wanting to try yeah
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that’s interesting I
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Elaine de botton talks about the idea
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that
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when someone does something you don’t
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like in uh dating or relationship
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context well I suppose especially in a
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relationship context when someone does
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something you don’t like there’s an
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immediate projecting into the future
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of what you know what makes us so angry
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or what makes us so upset what makes us
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react so strongly
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is not just this thing in the moment
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it’s the thought of every time this is
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going to come up in your relationship
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and projecting that into the future in a
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catastrophic way which leads you not to
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thinking
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huh that person did a thing I don’t like
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today but instead to the conclusion
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you’ve ruined my life yeah that’s what I
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relate to I think more you’re more on
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that side yeah yeah where it’s like yeah
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because we’ve talked about how important
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storytelling is in an early in a
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relationship because the you can’t help
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but just kind of project your brain is
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like this computer algorithm that’s just
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like oh I’m gonna project into the
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future what will this be like what will
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this reality be like years from now and
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I feel like I’m very good at doing that
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but then
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there’s a negative side to that where
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it’s like one little fight you project
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that into the future and it’s like well
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it’s not that it’s not that you got mad
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at me for leaving a dish in the sink is
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that now I feel like you’re gonna be mad
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at me for everything all the time
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forever to Infinity yes well so that’s
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one
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type the idea that you know I’m
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immediately looking at all of the ways
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this could affect me negatively in the
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future and then there’s Tara who is
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saying that this is based in a fear of
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Abandonment so when she feels threatened
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in any way like she could get hurt
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she’s the one who
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she’s like well I’m gonna jump first
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you’re not gonna get there before me I’m
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Gonna Leave You before you have the
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chance to hurt me yeah I think there’s a
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spark of of fear and a feeling of I oh
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God they’re they’re suddenly starting to
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feel some cracks or they’re they’re
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suddenly not happy and there can be a a
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mix of ego in with that as well where
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that self-protection thing does come and
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says like well I I I’m not going to
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stand around wait for you to like get
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sick of me or for this to happen like
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I’m I’m getting out like you don’t like
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it I’m out of here and and there is that
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is self-protection and fear
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coming from ego as well exactly
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and it and it produces
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that fear produces extreme reactions
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right and it can happen both in a
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romantic context it can happen in a work
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context hey everyone welcome to me
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interrupting my own video if you want to
4:48
know why someone may have faded out why
4:50
they may have disappeared why all of a
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sudden it felt like the momentum was
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lost with this person go to why he’s
4:57
gone.com where I talk about the main
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reasons someone disappears go check it
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out why he’s gone.com and now let’s go
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back to the video we had uh
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dinner last night with a friend of ours
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who is a movie director
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and he said actors when they tend it
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tends to be when they’re mad on set
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and they yell at people
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when they get angry
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because we’ve all seen the kind of
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tirades that actors can go on or the
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footage of someone going crazy or you
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know the the audio of an actor losing
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his mind on set at somebody
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what he said is whenever an actor does
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that what’s what’s actually happening is
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he’s scared or she’s scared
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it comes from Fear
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fear of
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I’m in a bad movie or you know the
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movie’s gonna be bad or this script is
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bad and I’m gonna end up looking bad
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I don’t look good
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I I look old this other actor is doing
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better than me
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that I’m working with
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and I I shouldn’t have signed up to this
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project because it’s not going well or I
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can’t trust this director or and it
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comes out as anger but what it really is
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is fear
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in that moment
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and what he said is
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what he learned when he learned it was
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coming from Fear instead of just
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I’m dealing with an
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he decided the number one thing he can
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do
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is make them feel safe
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if he can make them feel safe
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he’ll solve that problem
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but to to know that he has to understand
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that it’s coming from a place of fear
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and I think that that’s a very
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interesting thing to apply to
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relationships in general
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how often is someone angry because
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they’re afraid
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and therefore how often is the solution
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to make them feel safe
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in that moment
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but to rewind for a moment
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we’ve got Tara here she says when I get
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scared
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that I’m going to be abandoned I leave
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first
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so what is the solution to that Audrey
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what do you think that that instinct you
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get that
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overwhelming fear that comes up and that
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fear makes you want to jump the gun and
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be like well I’m not gonna allow this to
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play out
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and be the fool here
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and get trampled
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I’m gonna get out before that can happen
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to me what do you think people should be
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doing in that moment
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because of course some people might say
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well I’m I you know
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that saved me a lot you know that saved
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me a lot of pain and in a lot of cases
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my instincts proved to be right
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I was right that that person was going
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to abandon me I was right that that
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person was
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um on their way out in some way or
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criticized me too much and wasn’t
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accepting me
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so there’s that battle isn’t there
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between
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the Instinct that is protecting us that
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sometimes has served us well and
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the knowledge the self-awareness that
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Tara has that that instinct can go too
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far and it can make her take the Escape
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parachute too soon I suspect we can all
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talk ourselves into believing our
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relationship is going to fail
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because
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we only see what we see in terms of our
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partners we only know what they tell us
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we only see how they behave towards us
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we don’t know about 90 of what goes on
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in their brain
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when they’re not speaking it out loud so
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to a certain extent I think we’re always
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we can always talk ourselves into
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thinking that we’re not safe we can
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always talk ourselves into thinking
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somebody could leave us but for me fear
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of Abandonment feels very very
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intimately linked to a sort of
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you know a non-secure attachment to
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other people and
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I suspect I don’t know much about it but
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I suspect there’s probably different
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types of fears of Abandonment because
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for instance the idea of kind of running
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away
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uh
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I I I
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personally don’t exactly relate to
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but I definitely know that
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I worry about
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people disappearing from my life leaving
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me people I love or who have come to
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rely on leaving me that’s something that
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I do think about
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and you can drive yourself crazy
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thinking about it because people can
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leave and things happen the really tough
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thing is that
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when we are in an anxious
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mindset or our nature Trends towards
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that kind of
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anxiety and fear
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of being left of
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it’s going to fail and I’m not going to
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be here when it does I’m gonna leave now
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we tend to have extreme reactions to
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things
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right if you are speaking in terms of
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attachment Styles it can produce an
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extreme
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anxious reaction and it can produce an
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extreme avoidant reaction
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in a sense the the running away or the
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ending it prematurely is an extreme
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avoidance
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response to the situation
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I’m Gonna Leave You before you can leave
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me
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I had a friend who once said to me
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and it kind of reminds me of this and in
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a way it’s um
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she said to me I never want to be the
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one they got over I’d Rather Be The One
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That Got Away
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now the problem with that statement
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is that
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you’re always the loser well exactly
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it’s like I either way you don’t end up
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with somebody
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but at least I have my pride you know
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like that’s that’s the that’s what’s
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kind of messed up about that idea is
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that it values Pride
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over everything else well I think it’s
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interesting because when she was telling
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me about it it was coming from a place
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of you know that’s always been my
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mentality and as a result
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I’ve come out relatively unscathed in
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terms of relationships and I’ve been
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able to say that I was the one who
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always called it and whatnot but I’m no
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closer to actually being in a long and
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happy and successful relationship and
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she was actually working sort of to
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to be more vulnerable and to make
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herself more vulnerable in a
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relationship in order to get over this
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idea that she somehow needed to
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um control
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what the outcome is now I think what’s
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really difficult for a lot of people
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is we really feel like if we are left or
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abandoned or like not abandoned but our
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left and it triggers that kind of fear
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of Abandonment or rejected we really
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really worry about how much that’s going
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to affect us and we really think you
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know will I ever be able to get over
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this but that’s the thing right it’s all
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about your relationship with rejection
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and what that means and the meaning you
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ascribe to that
12:48
there’s a quote by Victor Frankl who
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wrote Man’s Search for meaning and he
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said between stimulus and response there
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is a space in that space is the power to
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choose our response and in our response
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lies our growth and freedom
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and like when you don’t allow if you
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just go stimulus response trigger
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protect myself get the power okay you’re
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not gonna leave me screw this I’m out
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you’ve you it’s fear it’s I’m not even
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gonna sit in this space and figure out
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what’s actually going on here in case it
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means the worst mm-hmm
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sometimes it’s okay if it does mean the
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worst maybe that’s okay and it might be
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it might just mean that okay maybe we
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don’t figure this out and it means that
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we’re wrong for each other and that’s
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all right or this person decides
13:42
something that’s okay but but you are
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not allowing the space because that
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person might be like what the hell why
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did you go crazy over that one tiny
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argument why did you suddenly like bolt
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just because I brought up a problem or I
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brought up something that was bothering
13:57
me and you bolt whereas they might have
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been like I just wanted to solve a
14:02
problem that was something was bugging
14:04
me or something was an issue and I I
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know I’ve had that response in the past
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where I’ve been like self-protection
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mode and I’ve been like well you’re
14:13
going to criticize me like I you know
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and it I know I know now that that can
14:19
be triggered in myself and the space
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it’s incumbent on me to hold that space
14:24
and say okay let’s just sit and actually
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talk about what’s going on here and
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maybe we can actually just figure this
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out calmly but you if you’re just
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terrified of the rejection you won’t
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allow that space
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I’m curious how would you
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how would you make someone not scared of
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that rejection because I think it’s a
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very it’s almost You could argue it’s a
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kind of trauma response probably a lot
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of the time and so you know that space
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is all well and good that you mentioned
14:54
Stephen but it’s a really hard thing to
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hold when you’re feeling really
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activated in something and it’s kind of
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yeah it’s just triggering all of your
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all of your trauma all of the things
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that you’re most scared of and you know
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you do sort of step into that fight or
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flight mode I think
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how would you
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advise someone to actually hold space
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for that emotion in order to process it
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and move forward well
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the reason
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that we do things
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consciously
15:27
that are
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scary
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or difficult
15:33
the reason that
15:35
I decided to
15:39
go to Poland and do these freezing
15:42
challenges in the snow with Wim Hof the
15:46
reason that someone
15:49
chooses to run a marathon
15:52
the reason someone
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gets up on stage
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to do their first stand-up set
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even though their heart is beating out
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of their chest
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people choose these things
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because they’re difficult well we can
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actually and all of those things by the
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way grow us all of those things Inc make
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us bigger as people so we could look
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into look at our relationships and those
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moments in dating as
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wonderful moments to choose
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discomfort
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this can be actually in the same way
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that going to the gym and working out is
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chosen pain this can be chosen pain I
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can and I’m not talking about you know
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no one hopefully needs me to say I’m not
16:44
talking about this as a reason to stay
16:46
in an abusive relationship or anything
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like that but when it comes to
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someone just said something that made me
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feel it it triggered me because it made
17:00
me worried they’re gonna leave me or
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that
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I’m not enough or you know it it freaked
17:07
me out and not because they did anything
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terribly wrong
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but just because it it made me scared
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that’s a moment where we can say to
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ourselves okay
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I can choose now
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to use this as a chance to get bigger
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that doesn’t mean I know how this is
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going to go it might be that this person
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ends up not wanting to be with me
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but I don’t have enough information for
17:36
that yet
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I just don’t know
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and if I don’t have enough information
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about that yet I’m going to choose a
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path that is uncommon for me
17:48
my well-trod path is fight or flight
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and the unfortunate thing about both of
17:56
those paths those extreme reactions
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is that
18:00
they actually start to manipulate the
18:04
result
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that’s what’s really sad and damaging
18:08
about them is that they it’s no longer a
18:11
fair experiment because they actually
18:13
tamper with the result
18:15
like you said Stephen if if I
18:19
if I out of fear
18:22
give you the silent treatment for the
18:24
next three days
18:26
that might affect
18:29
how much you want to be with me because
18:32
not because of the original thing that
18:34
you said or criticized or or gave some
18:38
feedback on and said hey you know I’m
18:39
feeling this or I’m not sure about
18:40
whatever
18:42
that’s not the thing that made you truly
18:44
question the situation but me going
18:46
silent for three days
18:48
does
18:50
the actually the thing that makes you go
18:52
whoa
18:53
I this is unpredictable this is not a
18:58
healthy pattern that I want to engage in
19:00
in a relationship uh this is making me
19:04
feel like I have to tread on eggshells
19:06
and even saying anything
19:08
and that’s not the kind of relationship
19:11
I want to be in is where I have to tread
19:13
on eggshells
19:15
and the same is true if you say
19:18
something to someone and all of a sudden
19:19
they come at you in a either a desperate
19:21
way or a really angry way
19:24
then it has the same effect so that’s
19:27
where we actually begin to self-sabotage
19:29
and the the very thing we’re afraid of
19:32
becomes self-fulfilling and someone
19:35
finds this hard to be with not for the
19:37
original reason that we were afraid of
19:39
but for the patterns that we demonstrate
19:41
when we’re afraid
19:44
so we have to say those common paths
19:47
that I take actually are hurting me more
19:52
than the thing that I’m afraid of
19:55
the alternative is for me to take the
19:58
uncommon path
19:59
the the path that is not well trodden
20:02
for me
20:03
which is let me
20:06
let me learn more
20:08
let me actually have the kinds of
20:12
conversations that help me discover more
20:14
discover more about who this person is
20:17
about how they feel about me
20:20
about where this is going
20:23
and
20:25
and those conversations by the way can
20:26
include vulnerability they can even
20:28
include admitting
20:30
that you’re scared but admitting that
20:32
you’re scared is very different
20:35
from acting out
20:37
one is vulnerability the other is a
20:39
destructive pattern
20:42
and the brave thing to do
20:44
is to be vulnerable instead of be
20:47
destructive
20:49
through vulnerability you’ll start to
20:51
reveal if someone could actually be
20:53
right for you
20:54
by being destructive you just tear down
20:56
something
20:58
in a way that means you’ll never really
21:00
know
21:01
I love what you said about taming your
21:03
fear because I think
21:05
when you can really connect to the fact
21:09
that that’s where that’s coming from
21:12
which is a place of fear the next step
21:15
is
21:17
to feel brave enough to as you say
21:19
communicate that fear and say
21:22
I want to run away right now because I
21:25
feel scared that you’re gonna leave me
21:28
now that’s really Brave that’s a really
21:31
hard thing to do but as you rightly say
21:33
the right person will make you feel safe
21:37
and that will begin to heal and I and I
21:40
would say that to Tara and to anyone out
21:43
there who relates to what Tara said
21:45
just going from
21:48
running away because you’re scared
21:51
to telling someone
21:54
that you feel like running away because
21:58
you’re scared
21:59
is a massive
22:02
sign of growth and evolution that was a
22:06
huge change for me and I don’t know when
22:08
this happened but when I got comfortable
22:10
in relationships voicing
22:13
things that I had done before when I was
22:15
like hey I I sometimes when this happens
22:20
I respond like this and it may it’s
22:23
making me feel uh worried anxious
22:27
trapped uh you know defensive even just
22:32
vocalizing that speaking it out it’s
22:35
like oh like it’s out there like Clarity
22:38
that that’s something in my early 20s I
22:40
would have never done because I would
22:41
have just felt it
22:43
felt the animalistic fear and been like
22:45
right this is what I’m gonna do in
22:47
response but not actually just calmly
22:49
spoken out here’s what I’m feeling right
22:51
now and what I like about that construct
22:53
that you made is it works for all kinds
22:55
of patterns because your pattern might
22:57
be that you stay too long that might be
22:59
someone’s pattern from uh
23:02
from uh
23:03
um anxious attachment style right
23:05
they’re just gonna very
23:06
straightforwardly I’m gonna put up with
23:08
whatever because I’m afraid to be alone
23:10
but with Tara she’s asking
23:15
you know what do you do when you
23:16
recognize this pattern and and you’re
23:18
absolutely right you just recognize it
23:20
and you speak it and that is truly a
23:23
zero to one level of progress right
23:26
there because once you can do that and
23:27
it doesn’t actually uh it’s just so much
23:30
easier said than done right because you
23:32
can still I’ll still in my relationship
23:35
have so much difficulty
23:37
just I just it’s just so easy to skip
23:40
that part where you just you just say
23:42
like this is making me feel like this
23:44
instead of like you’re doing that you
23:47
know and it’s just like if you can just
23:49
find your pattern and just try just try
23:53
to break it and if you can keep
23:55
iterating that process of keeping
23:58
breaking your pattern
23:59
then I think you’ll get to you’ll get
24:01
some growth that kind of openness also
24:04
gives someone a chance to truly know you
24:08
and understand you and not misinterpret
24:11
you because when we I don’t think any of
24:15
us truly realize the extent to which we
24:17
are confusing
24:19
when we have extreme responses to things
24:22
when either we get extremely angry or
24:25
when we get extremely afraid and run
24:27
away
24:28
or extremely defensive or we go on the
24:31
attack
24:32
I I think we kind of intuitively think
24:36
people understand more
24:38
about where it’s coming from with us
24:40
than they do so
24:42
we forget that all they’re seeing
24:46
is a it’s like the actors all you’re
24:49
seeing is an angry
24:51
this that’s all you’re seeing in that
24:54
moment but you’re not true you’re not
24:55
actually
24:57
and that person may go you know no they
24:59
must understand that it’s coming from
25:01
insecurity but of course people people
25:03
actually don’t they don’t there’s a I
25:06
you know I’ve said before there’s that
25:07
moment in Catch Me If You Can
25:10
where DiCaprio Frank abig now Jr is
25:12
speaking to uh the agent I forget his
25:15
name uh but Tom Hanks is
25:18
handwriti Agent hamratty and he
25:22
he says to him people only know
25:25
what you tell them
25:27
and
25:29
that line is so unbelievably true for
25:33
relationships
25:35
is that when you tell someone I’m afraid
25:37
it’s like a pressure valve on the whole
25:40
situation because someone goes wait what
25:45
and you go I’m afraid and that’s why I’m
25:48
acting like this right now
25:49
it’s like it lets all the air out of the
25:52
balloon and someone then goes you’re
25:54
afraid what are you afraid of
25:57
I’m afraid that you’re gonna leave
25:59
and then someone’s like what wait
26:02
whoa what
26:04
I’m gonna leave and then and it’s like
26:06
now you have this
26:08
you have the real conversation that no
26:10
one was having but no one even knew the
26:13
other person didn’t even know that there
26:14
was this other conversation happening
26:17
they just know that you’re angry and
26:19
then they’re pissed at you for being
26:20
angry or that you just left
26:22
yeah and then they’re pissed at you for
26:24
being stubborn but they don’t know
26:25
people don’t know what you don’t tell
26:27
them and so that kind of honesty is also
26:30
a way of giving someone else a blueprint
26:33
for your mind and who you are which
26:36
granted
26:38
is a very vulnerable thing to do
26:41
and can be dangerous by the way in the
26:44
wrong hands
26:45
especially if we don’t know how to have
26:47
boundaries if things start really going
26:49
south
26:50
but giving someone that access to our
26:53
mind is also
26:56
the only re is the only way to have a
26:58
real
26:59
relationship
27:01
you don’t have intimacy ultimately if
27:04
you don’t do that and the price of
27:06
admission for an amazing relationship
27:09
is that kind of intimacy that comes from
27:12
that kind of vulnerability
27:14
wait before YouTube sends you down the
27:17
rabbit hole of watching raccoon videos
27:20
or videos of large crocodiles on Florida
27:24
golf courses I have something that will
27:26
help your love life more than these
27:28
things and it’s at why he’s gone.com if
27:30
you want to know why someone faded out
27:33
why they were giving you attention and
27:35
all of a sudden they stopped this guide
27:37
shows you go to why he’s gone.com and
27:41
then enjoy
27:42
your baby bear videos
—
This post was previously published on YouTube.
***
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