Are You Emotionally Present in Your Relationships or Just Not There?

Being present with the other person keeps relationships alive

Hi there, Phil and Maude here. So glad you’re all present here with us. It all works better when we’re there for each other.

MAUDE: Last night, as we were talking about what we want to write a post about, a way of being present came up, and here we are with the post that grew out of that conversation. After an evening jamming session, we each sit down the next day and write separately about what we got out of the discussion that we think is worthwhile to share.

For me, it was the part about being present with, and for, the other person; of being in the present with them and the connection itself. There are many factors that go into being together with someone in this way. When I am with someone who brings this kind of awareness and attention to the interaction, it has a profound effect on me.

I want to share myself with them, and I open up more as a result of the interest and caring being shown to me. This is one of those feedback loops in which this way of behaving generates a more open, unguarded communication from each of the parties involved. When someone is interested and taking the time to pay attention to me, and at the same time shares themselves with me on a deeper level, it creates the same response in me.

There is a sense of safety and peace that develops, in which each time you come together (and this can happen at a distance on a Zoom call, or a phone call, as well as in person), you go quite naturally into this kind of communication and way of being with each other. The content may be about simple things and daily events, but there is an underlying depth to the connection that is more about who each of you is and what is of meaning and value to you. There is a sweetness and easy flow to the exchanges that is quite different than relationships that do not have this quality of presence and desire to share your very self openly with the other.

I notice very quickly when this is absent in an exchange. It can be that this type of trust is still building with a person, and that they move more slowly toward this kind of shared openness. It can be that the other person is just not living in the present much, and is mentally always moving toward something that is not where they are, but something in their mind.

When that occurs, these relationships tend to stay on the surface level of communication and interaction. They revolve more around intellectual conversations (which can be very interesting, too), information exchanges, taking care of some specific business or another. They do not engender a feeling of closeness, and they don’t create the kind of trust and ease that I find in relationships that do have presence and a reality of shared attention to each other; the kind that can only be created by taking the time and offering presence. I always try to meet the person wherever they are.

PHIL: I asked the question of what makes our relationship so alive, and Maude said it is because we are both present. Yes! We’ve obviously talked about being present a number of times before, but not in this context.

There are three aspects to this: being present to myself, being present with Maude, and being present in the world. Being present in the world, whether it is enjoying the same food, seeing the same scenic view, or looking at unwashed dishes, offers a shared reality; we know what the other is experiencing. But along with the experience, we also add our own history and expectations; as much as 90% of our perception is internally generated. Being present with myself gives me a chance to catch some of those internal reactions and reduce their bias.

But it’s being present with the other person that makes the relationship alive. One part of this is presenting myself (interesting verb, huh?) to the other person. (I’m talking about the other person when I’m primarily referring to Maude to emphasize that this is a way to try to be with everyone.) We have looked at this before. It starts with openness and honesty, and that is how trust develops.

The other part of being present with the other person is that when I pay attention to Maude, it changes how I am. It gives me an understanding of how she is and what she is feeling; it triggers empathy and increases the sense of connection. It’s not a conscious, intentional change so much as an instinctive bodily reaction. I think all humans do this; we interact in ways of which we are barely conscious.

So that’s how being present contributes to our relationships, but I think there’s more to it than that. It is that as humans, we need each other, we support each other, and it is beneficial because the result is greater than the sum of our individual contributions. Being present is a way to get in touch with that and to let it happen.

Here are some of our previous posts that address this issue.

Why the Essence of Connection in Your Relationships is Being Present “One of the elements that permeates our relationship is that when we are together we are present with each other. We are not only there in the physical sense, but also mentally and emotionally. I’ve been thinking about how important it is to practice presence in all relating, and how this gets lost so very often in the way people interact with each other. This kind of presence has many aspects to it. It involves awareness, intention, purpose, willingness, peace, stillness, availability, openness. It is associated with not having a pre-planned agenda. We may have an outer description of what we are doing; writing, walking, eating, traveling, but once we are together it is an adventure into the unknown.”

Why is Being Present in Your Relationships So Powerful? “Anchor your relationships in reality by experiencing them in the present, in the moment-to-moment interactions. When you focus on that, rather than what happened or what might happen, look at what is happening, let it in, give voice to it. This is especially useful when struggling. Stay in your body by saying “I,” and stay in the present by speaking in the present tense. Try not saying “you” at all. “I feel ignored” is so much stronger than “I felt that you ignored me” and gives you the best chance of finding the roots of the discord. If a relationship is not happening in the present, then it is only the memory of a relationship or the projection of one. Through sharing experiences, thoughts and feelings, relationships establish a sense of connection. This sense can exist in memory: “We went to Scotts Valley for our anniversary.” “We have been friends for a lifetime.” It can exist in projections of the future: “We are going to the Cliff House in November.” “We are hosting a zoom meeting on Friday.” “We are giving a pilot course early next year.” If the relationship has only a remembered past or a projected future then the sense of it exists only in your thoughts. It can be important, it can be sweet or painful or both. However, it is not something that exists outside of your mind.”

How Being Creative Helps You Be More Present in Your Relationships “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there? Thich Nhat Hanh
All relationships are more fruitful and more harmonious when you can feel the presence of the other as a palpable reality. Most of you know and recognize this, and yet it is too easy to fall into repeated patterns of interacting, where your consciousness is elsewhere and you are on autopilot. We have found that being creative and altering what or how we do things shakes up the patterns and brings us right into the present moment. This is because people pay attention to novelty, and paying attention is being in the present. It happens even when the change is a small one. Being fully present and available creates a heightened awareness of our connection and an even stronger appreciation of each other.”

Originally published at https://philandmaude.substack.com.