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“If you can’t be in an open relationship, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.” That provocative quote caught my eye on Facebook last month. It continued, “Their genitalia and soul is not your property.” Wow, that hit me like a big new thought bomb. I was surprised to see this quote was from a woman, Deva Logan, and I knew I wanted to talk to her.
A few weeks ago Deva was a guest on my podcast, Real Men Feel, espousing the benefits of open relationships. Before talking with her, I thought open relationships meant permission to cheat. That it was an agreement between a committed couple that they could stray and not be bothered by it. I assumed it was governed by a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. I’ve never been in an open relationship and most often I’ve heard of them from older men, so it always gave me a 1970s swinger’s scene vibe. I have met a couple millennial women who told me they preferred open relationships, but not really knowing what that term meant I took it to be a new way to say, “I sleep around.”
Deva opened my mind to what open relationships are, or can be. It involves a level of openness that many couples do not have. An open relationship isn’t merely about open sexual trysts with other people, it is about open communication, open feeling, open honesty and sharing. Partners in open relationships aren’t “cheating” and it isn’t done in secret. In fact, partners are encouraged to be completely open about who else they are involved with, why they were attracted to them, what they did together and so on. It sounded to me almost like a debriefing between the couple following any intimacy one of them, or both of them, have with another person or persons. That level of openness, authenticity, and honesty strengthens the emotional and physical intimacy.
Leading up to that Real Men Feel episode, and after it, I found myself wondering, “Am I ‘man enough’ for an open relationship?” I’m not sure I am. I tend to be the possessive and jealous type. My wife is, too. While my libido and masculinity can be excited by the notion of an open relationship, when I stop and focus on the feelings, I’m not so sure. How would I react to my wife being with other men? Would I be in a jealous rage? Could I not be bothered by it and still love her? Would I risk falling in love with other people? I thought an open relationship was based solely on sex, but it is much more complicated than that. At this stage in my life, it is an experiment that I’m not sure I could ever undertake because of the emotional risks. The downside feels far too dangerous to me. I’m not willing to see if the thrill of an open relationship tears down my twenty-year monogamous marriage. So perhaps I’m not “man enough” for an open relationship. My shot at being a wild and crazy swinger of a guy was decades ago. I am man enough to know that I love my wife and am not interested in taking that for granted or putting it at risk. I imagine if I were still single, I’d have a different view.
Have you had experiences with open relationships? Were they while you were married?
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In you are interested in a very candid, honest, and funny exploration of open relationships, give a listen to the full episode of Real Men Feel, below. WARNING: Podcast contains sexually explicit language of a non-clinical nature.
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Photo credit: Flickr/Jessica Tam
Andy, Good article. My wife and I were in an “open marriage” in the 1970s. It was an experience that stretched us, opened us, brought us to levels of honesty, pain, and pleasure we hadn’t experienced. She was a lot better attracting men who were interested in her than I was in attracting women who were interested in me. I wrote about it in my book, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, so you can get the idea that it didn’t turn out the way we expected. I much more enjoyed writing the book, The Enlightened Marriage, about… Read more »
“Am I Man Enough for an Open Relationship? Are You?”
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The very title is such a piece of man-boxing crap (“Am I man enough?”) that it’s jaw-dropping.
This is exactly why this site has become irrelevant and gets no support. The bubble effect here is just breathtaking.
Hi Gerry,
I actually hate the whole “Am I man enough?” thing too, but in this case, I chose to use some of the language that our guest for the show did.
Thanks for taking the time to comment. I hope you gave the show a listen too.
No doubt there are traits that might make a person better suited towards an open relationship (or a monogamous one) but masculinity and femininity have nothing to do with it. Neither does “openness”; you can be radically honest or deceitful in any relationship. Proponents of open relationships or polyamory often seem unable to resist comparing them to monogamy which, to me, is missing the point. Their merits are in the differences, not the overlap. At worst, monogamy is suffocating and dull. At its best, it becomes intoxicating, and incredibly romantic. I imagine that someone not cut out for an open… Read more »
Great insights. Thanks!
“Am I man enough for an open relationship?”
Listen Andy, I want you to do a little experiment with me (and everybody else is invited to join in).
Close your eyes for a moment (or 10) and imagine saying to some woman you know, “Are you women enough for an open relationship?”.
Maybe she’ll unfriend you on Facetweet. Maybe she’ll give you a swift kick in the balls, or slap your face. Maybe she’ll just ghost you.
Whatever she does, I guarantee she’ll be mighty offended that you would ever talk to her that way.
Think about it.
Thanks, Kim.
It certainly does seem silly to ask “Are you women enough….”. I can only speak to the programming/teaching I grew up with. There is still a voice in my head that asks if I’m “man enough” when something new comes my way. I find it pointless, but it is there none the less.
You got to stop this sickness that is open relationships. Just because closed relationships fail does not mean that they are not worth it. You seriously have to stop challenging men to put themselves through hell just so they can prove a point.
Hi Todd,
Thanks for the comment. I encourage men to trust their own experiences. My intention is never that someone put themselves through hell.
I know men who think open relationships are the only way to go and others who’ve found them to be horrible. I don’t believe there is one right way for everyone. While I’ve never chosen an open relationship for myself, I don’t think they are a sickness.