Are You Playing a Zero Chance Hand with Your Heart?

COUNTRIES PRACTICE ZERO SUMS

A zero-sum game is what humans are good at. In our instincts we make war, anger and violence. We see this all throughout history. I need little citation for a consensus to agree Humans make war frequently.

Currently, we are watching a high stakes zero sum game in Ukraine. Ukraine wants all of its territory back. Russia wants to keep everything it has taken. As a result, you get violence. This violence is rooted in the idea of zero sum. It is an all or nothing approach.

No compromise. No surrender. No retreat.

The cost?

Happiness, peace, security and well…any other admirable condition we value. It is unfortunate on many levels but the one I find most unfortunate is when this tendency to make war enters romantic relationships.

Due to non-agreement on the timing of terms agreed I was literally told, “This means war.”

The cause? No bickering over the terms. The terms were completely agreed upon. They were one sided and dictated. Due to my desire to love through the divorce I agreed. It wasn’t about right or wrong. It was about how I wanted to be remembered for treating her. Even if it was initiated by her not me. The only condition was when it would occur. I said at time of decree. The other said at time of mediation.

Due to a zero-sum game approach by my counter party she decided to declare war. This was because she refused to cede even an inch of ground. This reminds me of Russia & Ukraine.

COMPROMISE IS CHARACTERISTIC OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE

Lack of compromise was a common characteristic of my failed marriage. If I could not meet the exact expectations, it was an all or nothing approach. There was little consideration for intent, effort or where my heart was.

To me, compromise is rooted in valuing effort over results.

I hold the belief that effort is always good enough. I teach this to my daughter and my daughter by choice. I mentor people on this concept. I also put it into practice in business. This allows me to forgive, have humility, be less judgmental and recognize shortcomings are a part of all humans.

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As a result, a great many people trust me. They do not feel put on guard nor do they feel I will destroy them for their shortcomings. The other day someone described me as, “Disarming”. When I inquired what that meant, the person said your presence is not threatening. It allows people who are usually guarded to let their guard down.

In my opinion, this person is one of the most influential and wealthy people in Houston. A mutual friend of mine is longtime friends with both of us. My longtime friend has a picture of him and Donald Trump next to each other when Trump was president hanging up in his office. That’s the only clue you all get who I am talking about.

To me, compromise is rooted in valuing effort over results.

Context is important. This is meant to illustrate that people with highly controversial views, who are very paranoid about ill intentions, tend to feel comfortable befriending me. This is not about me bragging about knowing a wealthy person who knows trump. This is about how someone like my friend of 9 years will trust me enough to let me into a very close-knit circle. Even if it is just socially.

He knows my circumstances. He is kind enough to tell me he will give me whatever I need to get through this process. We are kind to each other. As a result, we have mutual trust.

ALL OR NOTHING OFTEN RESULTS IN NOTHING

All people will disappoint us if we value results over effort. There are too many factors beyond our control. Inevitably, our small role in a master play choreographed by a director who tells others what to do will upend our efforts.

My divorce counter party was fixed on results. Result priority created expectations, standards and rules that once broken were unforgivable. Words like “never” and “forever” were used in the negative. Never trust again. Forever broken. Things like this. Anger followed whenever her expectations failed to materialize. Anger was a frequent characteristic of my ex-wife if I failed to meet her standard.

When I failed (and I did often) rather than offer clear communication on how I inadvertently hurt her, encouragement I could be better (requiring she trust me to want what’s best for her) and support a plan I could implement to avoid future infractions I was given something else. I was given anger and belligerence for hurting her. These were usually knee-jerk reactions. I don’t think she thought too much about it. She would just let her anger out and say whatever she wanted. This could be hurtful, but I rationalized it wasn’t literal — it was just her communicating her emotions. She often apologized afterwards.

All people will disappoint us if we value results over effort.

I now see the errors of my way. Once an infraction occurred that hurt too much the consequences of a results-only approach are clear now. Her anger controlled her responses. This carried on into the divorce negotiations. A zero-sum game meant she declined everything she wanted because of the smallest detail. When would she get it.

As a result, my offer to comply with dictated terms to me was withdrawn. There is a high chance she will get a fraction of what she wanted.

A spouse is not entitled to assets acquired before a marriage in Texas. A spouse is only entitled to assets acquired when married. We were married so briefly we never bought anything together but two cars. Easy to understand. She gets one. I get one. There is also no expectation of temporary spousal support offered to a gainfully employed person, married less than 10 years, who can reside in a residence during the divorce proceedings; especially without children to that person. We have no history of domestic violence nor is there any threat from either of us to do it to each other — so there is no need for any forced ejection. There is no alimony entitlement in the state of Texas either. (2)

This is not a legal dissertation.

The point is kindness, non-aggression, and value of intent over results can achieve the results you want. Anger and aggression do not bode well for negotiation. Be assertive, not aggressive. Be resolute, not angry. Be kind, not mean.

This seems easy but human history shows it is not.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT RIGHT OR WRONG

I can assume all responsibility for all my actions. I can agree for arguments’ sake I am completely wrong. There is little point to determine if what I did was wrong. I do not argue for right or wrong. Right and wrong arguments are centered on ego which tends to focus on the results, not the effort.

This is not a persuasive article to convince anyone about any detail.

The point is kindness, non-aggression, and value of intent over results can achieve the results you want.

The point is about valuing an individual all. If a person truly gave 100% there must be great value in this to properly attain success in relationships.

Results often take care of themselves. Sometimes they do not. We all have been a part of a loss. Losses occur in missed job promotions, lost sporting events, missed opportunities and investments.

LOSING IS PART OF LIFE

Learn to lose with grace. It is the response to the loss which shapes our character. It is the reaction we have to the event which tells us who we are. Your true character is shown and illustrated in how you treat a person who fails you and has all the right intentions.

Be assertive, not aggressive. Be resolute, not angry. Be kind, not mean.

Should you dismiss them, chastise them, divorce them or justify their shortcomings to inflict hurt on them, it says a lot about you as a person. I cannot find any good words for this so I will just stop there. I do not think others will find words of praise either.

Naysayers may challenge this point. To this I pose a simple question, “If you gave it your all and failed to meet someone’s expectations would you want to be slandered, accosted and made to feel horrible?”

I think not.

Everyone likes a humble champion and a gracious loser. No one likes a boisterous winer and a complaining loser.

THE PEACE OF MIND OF FULL EFFORT

Opinions exist. This is something which will always be true. We cannot control how others perceive things. We cannot choose how others frame their views. There is truth even in falsehood; in so much as the person has experienced the falsehood.

In my last article, I went to great lengths to separate the difference between perception and observation. They are not the same. One is based on experience and the other measurable data. Data can be analyzed and quantified to form a conclusion (3). This is true even in love or romanticism.

Right and wrong arguments are centered on ego which tends to focus on the results, not the effort.

When one looks objectively at their efforts and concludes with self-honesty their full effort was given — there are no regrets. This means to get an accurate assessment of what you are experiencing you must look beyond your perceptions to understand accurate observations (4).

In fact, in my personal failure there is much to be satisfied with. For instance, I am completely satisfied with my most recent failed marriage. Not because I lived up to her expectations. I am satisfied because I gave it my all.

EXAMPLE OF GOOD IN THE BAD PLEASE

Example. An example of my satisfaction with my failure is illustrated this way: I was critical of myself. I made lists of what I could to address my behaviors which caused hurt. Then I would put a plan of action together and show her what I wanted to do to address the issues in the future. I would write it down and say the issue isn’t with us, it was with behaviors. The behaviors would be separate. I would make it an issue we needed to address outside of us. Neither of us were the problems it would be the behaviors. I would write it on a piece of paper or phone, set it on the table and take it away from us. I would make it external, not internal.

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Everyone likes a humble champion and a gracious loser.

Self-Reflection & Self-Analysis. I have never done this before. This was a lot of extra effort. I would do it in the moment despite however I was feeling. I would revise it when I was not emotionally charged as well. I was determined to improve my shortcomings. Despite these efforts it wasn’t enough. That’s okay. It wasn’t enough for her, but it was enough for me.

The above is an example of how looking at my failure I can still appreciate the success of my efforts. I know no man who does this when a woman’s feelings are hurt. I do it. I’m sure many women would envy this characteristic even if my previous one didn’t find it enough.

This is what valuing effort over results gets you. It rewards you complete peace of mind regardless of your outcome.

AVOID THE MAJOR BLUNDERS

The major blunders are those which are not in the range of possibilities. Most people are decent people. Society has rules, laws and regulations for a reason. Most of us believe assaulting people is not okay. That is why the law governs battery. Most of us believe calling names belligerently is a bad thing. That is why there are laws governing assault. Most people think cheating on their spouse is bad. That is why if in a divorce you can show cause with adultery.

These things are not Rocket Science. I avoided all major blunders. Adultery, idolatry and violence (verbal, physical, and sexual).

There are nuances. I understand this concept. I agree consenting adults sometimes get into odd circumstances. Some of these circumstances are not okay for all of us. They don’t have to be. What I am here to say is avoid the major blunders. I did. They are not difficult. For inherently, we all seek basic treatment standards universally understood to be decency.

You can choose to value your effort over results at any point. Unfortunately, not all my secrets will be discovered in this free article. You must pick up a copy of my international best-selling book “I Made It Then I Didn’t” or order “Many Paths To Profit” for that.

The concept I teach in this article is free. My personal stories are not. Don’t let pennies get in the way of showing you something much more valuable than a dollar. There’s no such thing as a free lunch. If you want to get more insight into how my emphasis on effort over results has catapulted me out of terrible situations grab one of my books today. It’s not about how you win. It’s about how you respond to losing. What’s it going to be?

To Your Knowledge Success!

Sources

1) The life of Christopher Knight Lopez a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” & Co-Author of “Many Paths To Profit” with the original shark from Shark Tank Kevin Harrington.

2) Texas Family Code Section 8.051.

3) PLoS One. “Validation and perception of a key feature problem examination in neurology”. 2019; 14(10): e0224131. Meike Grumer. Published online 2019 Oct 18. doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0224131 PMCID: PMC6799971PMID: 31626678

4) Berkley: University of California. Understanding Science 101. “How Science Works — Observation Beyond Our Eyes”. Accessed 24 August 2024. Link: https://undsci.berkeley.edu/understanding-science-101/how-science-works/observation-beyond-our-eyes/

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Certain elements in this story may have been fictionalized to illustrate a creative story. This is a form of artistic expression not narration of fact. Not a form of investment advice. Please consult a professional registered to give you advice about your individual circumstance. This article is for educational purposes and entertainment purposes only. Please do not email the author about advice on investing or strategies on making investments.

About Christopher: Christopher Knight Lopez is a Professional Hustler turned International Best Seller and Published Author of “I Made It Then I Didn’t” and Co-Author with Kevin “The Shark” Harrington “Many Paths To Profit”. Christopher has opened over 7 businesses in his 15-year career. Christopher’s purpose is to take advantage of various market-driven opportunities. Christopher is a certified Master Project Manager (MPM), and Accredited Financial Analyst (AFA). Christopher previously held his Series 65 securities license examination and was a Master Financial Planner (MFP). Christopher also held his General Lines — Life, Accident, Health & HMO. Christopher has managed a combined 286mm USD in reported Assets Under Management & Assets Under Advisement. Christopher has work experience in 33 countries, raised over 50mm USD for various businesses, and grossed over 13.0mm in his personal career. Christopher worked in the highly technical industries of: biotechnology, finance, securities, manufacturing, real estate, and residential mortgages. Christopher is a United States Air Force Veteran. Christopher has a passion for family, competitive sports, fishing, martial arts and advocacy for entrepreneurs. Christopher provides self-help classes for up-and-coming entrepreneurs. Christopher’s passion to mentor comes from belief that entrepreneurs need guidance. The world is full of conflicting information about entrepreneur identity. See more at www.christopherklopez.com.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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