Humans are interesting. We are capable of believing in more than one truth at a time, which creates a dichotomy inside of ourselves. For example, you can believe that you’re meant for greatness while simultaneously believing that you’re not good enough. Those are actually conflicting ideas or beliefs, but you can believe them both at the same time.
The problem with this is that it means we can get really good at lying to ourselves and existing in the dichotomy (AKA: living in denial).
This is especially true in our relationships. You are likely a great guy, with a big heart, and good intentions, but if you don’t look at these behaviors, you could be unintentionally setting yourself and your romantic relationships up for failure. A lot of what I’m about to share with you could be looked at as regular behavior that can be swept under the rug and dismissed—but it could cost you from having the lasting relationship you desire (so pay attention and take notes).
There are certain telltale signs that your inner dichotomy is reigning hell on your romantic relationship. Here they are.
Keeping back doors open in your relationship
Staying friends or keeping things slightly open with past loves or romantic interests—NOT all-in behavior. There’s a big difference between having a co-parenting relationship with an ex, and hitting up your ex whenever things in your new relationship aren’t going well. Other back door behavior:
- Calling exes to celebrate your wins
- Complaining to your ex about your current partner
- Stalking your ex’s social media
- Asking mutual friends about your ex
- Sending your ex texts, messages, or other communication on holidays, birthdays, or special occasions
- Not telling your ex that you’re in a relationship
- If it involves your ex (and there aren’t any children involved—it’s likely back door activity)
Basically, if you’re finding a reason to talk to or about your ex, that door is bare minimum cracked. And this is a massive problem because (and lean in to really hear this) you cannot give your all to a new relationship if any part of your heart, mind, or body is still with the old one.
To move forward with someone else, you have to fully move forward. Thank the past and let it go. Until you do, you cannot actually be all-in with a new partner.
It’s okay to have love for your exes, but it’s important to have strong boundaries with them. If you want to build a new relationship, you need to put your attention on what’s real for you in the here and now, not ruminate and play in what was.
Following and romanticizing other women
It’s one thing to see a beautiful woman (or person) and go, “Wow! They’re really beautiful!”
It’s another thing to think that and then follow their IG, watch all of their stories, and run to self-pleasure land.
Even something as simple as, “I bet she’s really good in bed,” or, “I bet she’d be a really good girlfriend”—all of that sets your current partner up for failure.
When you put other people on a pedestal and compare them to your relationship, you’re declaring that you’re not all-in on the relationship. If you were, there’d be no comparison—there wouldn’t be a need to invest your time, energy, or focus in other women.
This is an energetic leak in your current relationship and, naturally, where attention goes, energy flows, and your partner will feel it in one way or another.
You’re too flexible
And not in the fun yoga way. If you haven’t fully labeled the relationship, even after a couple of months of dating—you’re not all-in. Likewise, if you have an exclusive partner but you haven’t told your friends yet—or if you meet an attractive woman, you tend to leave out the part that you are in a relationship—any of that behavior shows you immediately that you’re not all in.
You’re avoiding inner circle intros
If you have close female friends that you haven’t introduced to your partner—this is a major red flag. This is a sign that on a subconscious level you may have weird, overly friendly, or even sexual energy with your female friends that you don’t want your partner to pick up on.
Even more importantly, if you haven’t introduced her to your family or close friends, this is a sign you want to keep your lives separate—which can indicate that you aren’t fully committed.
You’re in it for the get, not the give
When you are more interested in what your partner can do to make you happy versus what you can do on a regular basis to make her happy, this shows you that the relationship is more transaction-based than a free flow of love and energy.
The hard stuff…
Another red flag to be aware of is if you’re not willing to be wrong or have challenging conversations. When a hard topic comes up, instead of being in it and looking for a solution together you shut down, get angry, or leave. This shows that you may not feel comfortable being vulnerable and aren’t willing to become a better communicator to make your relationship work.
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