“It takes a big man to apologize.”
I disagree.
I say, “It takes a little man not to apologize.”
Apologizing is not an act of courage, it’s an act of decency and self-reflection. An apology is an acknowledgment that you’ve done something wrong, that you were wise enough to realize it, and that you’re mature enough to make amends for your behavior or your mistake.
It doesn’t take a great man(*) to do that. It requires some emotional maturity, a smaller ego, and common decency.
(*) I use “man” in the text because men have a harder time apologizing, but it’s not a male-specific trait. Sorry about that.
Apologizing is not that hard
If anything, apologizing is too easy to do.
It’s too easy to say, “I’m sorry,” and just move on. It’s even become something of a joke when talking about politicians or big business. Mark Zuckerberg has been riled in the media for apologizing on behalf of Facebook for the way it managed users’ data and the way it eroded users’ trust. Yet, at times, it felt like the apologies were a way to fend off criticism, while Facebook tried other ways to push the envelope.
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In Canada, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has apologized more than any recent prime minister. Many of the apologies were for past conduct by the Canadian government, but many others were for his own behavior. He apologizes with the same contrite face so that at some point, you start to wonder: does he really mean it, or is he putting on an act?
The problem with apologizing is too often that at some point, people don’t know if they should take you seriously or not. It may look heartfelt, but is it really? If you’re regularly apologizing for the same things over and over again, that’s really not an apology. It’s a veiled attempt at whitewashing, to get a pass for bad behavior.
An apology requires a change in attitude or behavior to show that you learned from your mistake and that the apology is not just to save face but to signify a behavioral change.
Timing is everything
It’s simple to apologize at the moment for something rather mundane. For example, you bump into someone and immediately apologize (or at least, that’s how we do it in Canada. But it seems that we’re the most apologetic nation in the Americas). In more complex situations, apologizing immediately is not always the right thing to do because you need some time to reflect on what happened. Let me give an example.
Photo by author
A few years ago, my wife and I went on a one-week vacation on the sunny beaches of Cuba. It was supposed to be an enjoyable time. However, I did something that upset my wife and caused her some shame. I did not understand how my actions could cause her to be mad. So I was mad at her for being mad. Yes, I know, very mature.
Truth be told, there was no ill intent in what I had done. She expected me to apologize, but I did not understand what I had to apologize for, so I didn’t. I don’t believe you should apologize just for the sake of apologizing. That builds resentment. You apologize because you recognize that you did something that hurt or angered someone else. You don’t apologize just to placate someone and get them off your back. (Although, I’ve done my share of that too.)
After a day of this nonsense, she asked me, “Are you going to pout for the rest of this vacation? If so, I’ll just do stuff on my side, and you do your stuff on your side.”
My reply was, “I’m not pouting. You’re the one who’s upset. I don’t understand why you’re upset, and I don’t see the need to apologize for something that I didn’t do.”
That exchange allowed us to reopen the channels of communication, and she explained to me how I had hurt her. She hadn’t been able to explain it when it happened, but once she did, I realized that what I’d done had had more impact than I expected.
Without that discussion, she would not have been able to explain why she was mad, I would have remained aloof and distant, and it would have completely messed up our vacation. Fortunately, it lasted less than 24 hours. Of course, that’s 24 hours wasted on stupid ego stuff, but at least it wasn’t for the remainder of the vacation.
Oh, yes, I apologized.
A frank discussion on how one person hurt another is the first step towards a real apology. If you don’t know why you’re apologizing, it is an empty apology. You know it, and the other person knows it too. But when you understand how you’ve impacted the other person, that’s when you can provide a real solution and make things better.
Not apologizing doesn’t make the problem disappear
If anything, not apologizing exacerbates the pain. It allows anger to fester, and it permeates all interactions. The closer the apology to the event, the better.
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When I was married, I received the same advice that most newlyweds receive: “Don’t go to bed angry.” This advice applies outside of marriage, too. To make sure that you don’t stay angry at someone else, you have to discuss anything that angers you. The other person may not even know that you are mad at them. And if they know, they may not understand why. Only by discussing - not blaming - can you hope to find a solution that works for all involved.
These discussions will lead to a better understanding and, eventually, an apology from the person at fault. Or people at fault, since fault doesn’t always lie with a single person.
Without these discussions, you walk a path that leads to resentment or, even worse, indifference. Once you reach the level of indifference, it is difficult to make someone start caring again. The relationship is likely doomed.
Apologizing too late
Sometimes, it takes a while before you can apologize. It could be because it took a while to realize or accept that you needed to apologize, or sometimes it’s because the proper timing never came up. Nevertheless, it’s rarely a bad idea to apologize for past mistakes if the apology is sincere. The other person may accept the apology, but they may not. It depends on the fault, depends on the timing, it depends on how long it’s been, and many other factors. At any rate, you don’t control the acceptance of the apology, so apologizing with the expectation that it will be accepted might backfire. Apologize for yourself, and let the other person decide and own their reaction.
Ideally, you want to apologize face to face. It’s the most difficult way to do so, but it’s also the most effective approach. Real apologies require, at a minimum, voice to voice communication. So phone or video works, too.
Apologizing by email or text is just as effective as arguing by email or text. In other words, it doesn’t work well.
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If you want to apologize in writing, a letter in longhand is much better than an email. Longhand forces you to think and take your time. If you make mistakes, you have to restart, so it requires more care. The upshot is that - unlike email - the person will take the time to read it since we get so few handwritten letters today.
. . .
The opposite of love is not hate. It’s indifference.
When you refuse to apologize for a mistake, you are jeopardizing your relationship with another person. If you’re lucky, that person will hate you. If there is hate, you have something to work with to heal the relationship because the other person still has feelings and cares. If you fall into indifference, well, that’s another matter. They will accept the apology, but chances are that the relationship is doomed. If it isn’t, it will take a long time to recover and to rebuild trust.
I think that we don’t accept our responsibility in a conflict often enough. For this reason, we fail to apologize when it really matters. I’ve been guilty of this as much as anyone else. Even though I’m writing this article, I will probably do it again.
When I do, well, I’ll apologize and do better the next time.
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This post was previously published on Medium.com.
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