As Single as You Can Humanly and Possibly Be

London skies today are a melange of the lightest and darkest shades of grey filled with heavy clouds drenched in water, mirroring my inner state.

These gray puffs are heavy and humid but they spend most of the day holding on to each drop, trying so hard not to offload them into a full blown storm.

I dive into the inevitable romance of that feeling of nostalgia.

But the truth is that to be immersed in deep rooted sadness and nostalgia, you need someone you can actually miss.

I wish I could think of one specific person I could wallow about but, as my mind’s ‘best of’ editor runs through polaroids of past loves and crushes, no one photo is strong enough to produce that deep rooted heartfelt pain you need to actually feel a little bit sorry for yourself.

No man is currently generating enough pain to create that sense of useless hope you need to truly enjoy autumn blues.

I miss J, but not enough.

I miss that moron who dumped me on Christmas eve, but I would never want him back.

The truth is that I’m feeling sad for not having anyone to feel sad about.

I’m officially as single as you can be.

Each friend dispenses a piece of unrequested advice:

It will happen when you least expect it

It’s because you talk about wanting a relationship you should just go with the flow

It’s because you want too much

Your standards are too low

He never wanted it in the first place (when they told me they did)

Just focus on yourself

The moment you don’t want it, it’s going to arrive

One more useless suggestion and I swear I will kill someone.

Why you should never be on a dating app when you really want love.

When you enter the vortex of truly wanting a relationship, or some idealized version of it, without even so much as having a crush and you reminisce of exes from all times, or worse even you text useless people who are absolutely not what you want, that’s when you know with certainty it’s best for you not to date. Not now.

Don’t do it.

I’m so very glad I’m no longer on any dating app.

I would project my entire version of a future with the first guy who shows any interest.

I know. What a loser.

My therapist told me I shouldn’t be dating until I have healed, that I am choosing all the wrong men and doing all the wrong things.

Considering the last piece of advice she gave me was not to go to Portugal (which turned out to be solid advice), I am keen on taking her up on these wise words.

So what can I do between now and the moment in which I meet Him (or another life lesson)?

How do I keep the void at bay without ending up with all the wrong people/ drown myself in work?

Also, how can I actually truly heal?

It feels like I haven’t been able to take many steps forward and every day I’m a little bit older and the prospect of not knowing how to do this feels more and more scary.

Traditionally, once a year on my birthday, I write a letter to my future husband.

The prospect of January being right around the corner, stabs my heart. Will I really need to write a letter to someone I haven’t met ever this year?

Is it worth holding on to the hope that he’ll show up sooner?

Here’s what You’ll find when you actually find me.

Hi You,

I’m writing a bit ahead of schedule just in case you missed my last few letters.

I don’t know if You’re out there or just a fiction of my imagination.

I have sketched you in mind over and over again.

I have mentally edited our story countless times and readjusted the vision of what our present and future look like to accommodate your every potential occupation, geographical location, religious orientation, socio-economic background, level of trauma and emotional intelligence.

In some versions you were even a complete emotional moron.

I took you in anyways.

(Thank God it wasn’t actually You.)

Had you asked me a few years ago I would have told you that, upon your delayed arrival, you would have found a crazy blonde, passionate about life, fearless, a romantic, a dreamer, ready to love full heartedly.

Today you may find a very different person.

You will find a woman.

You’ll find a person who is vulnerable, flawed, disillusioned but still hopeful.

A woman who has truly lived life to the fullest, one who is truly brave, truly strong. This I have always been.

I used to be very feminine. There is nothing more I’d like than to just be able to embrace that side of myself once again.

Life has made me more rigid. Despite a part of me being naif, I’m grounded, I don’t trust easily though you’d never be able to tell.

I still struggle to say no. I still need a little bit of protection.

Also, I desperately need a week long hug.

I’m tragically imperfect.

I’ve been trying to heal for a long time but I’ve gone through a fair share of trauma. It’s probably a reality for anyone who has lived this much.

I am trying. You should know however that my trauma won’t hurt you, at the worst it will wrap you up a little bit too tight at times. Just tell me if you need a softer hug.

Also, I never give up.

You will find someone who is surrounded by a strong family and wonderful friends who love, respect and support her.

Someone who always acts with best intentions at heart, who wants to have an impact on the world, who wants to share her gifts and who has endless dreams.

You’re in most of them (sorry I should say in all of them — just didn’t want to look like a loser).

I look forward to meeting you and I so hope you arrive into my life before my 39th birthday. I’d love to celebrate it together.

I’m trying my hardest to adopt a new technique: I am not opening the door to anyone who I know with certainty could not be You.

Here’s an idea, instead of me adjusting my sketches to what life brings, I’ll buy a new sketch book and write a story from scratch. Perhaps this way, you’ll find your way into my pages and join the story I began crafting for us long before I even met you.

Yes, let’s do this.

Come find me in my pages, I promise I will leave infinite blank pages for us to draw together. Let’s fill them with watercolors, all the shades that most encapsulate the beauty of a collision between dawn and sunset.

I can’t wait to discover all of your pages, hear all of your craziest stories, your fears, your quirks, your dreams.

Here’s to the end of mornings waking up without your eyes into mine, and to a new beginning, one made up of endless sunsets to catch hand in hand.

Let me leave you with a line from a song I love in case it’s also raining where you are.

‘When your sky is gray, I will give you blue.’

With much love,

A