“When do you think we met?” my lover asked me.
“God, around early to mid-September, I think. It’s not on my calendar anymore!”
It was a rough guess. Because of our schedules, we couldn’t meet until early fall. I know we first chatted on Ashley Madison in August. I don’t have a record of those early exchanges, but I wish I did.
“I’m a pleaser,” he wrote.
If he knew what I wrote about “pleasing,” lol. He jokes about it now.
“You must have thought I was yet another guy promising the world.”
“Uh, yeah…sounds about par for the course when looking for a lover. Lots of promises. Low on delivery.”
I was sifting through so many men at that point that I felt like a mill.
@teresajconway wrote about this sorting process for women on Substack.
“Let’s see if this one works out,” I’d think in my head. I wasn’t holding out much hope. I had met some pretty lame guys. And some awesome ones as well, through the years.
Ashley Madison works for women, at least.
I gotta give it that.
YES, it sucks for men. The endless bots. The expensive credits. The lack of replies. The level of game playing reaches almost Olympic levels. Chats that don’t materialize. Endless ghosting. Failed picture swaps.
“I thought you were fake,” my guy laughed. “I figured you’d be someone who wanted to swindle me.”
“Oh, I was ‘too good to be true,’ lol.”
“Much better than I ever thought!” he replied.
We weren’t what each other expected but we were what each other needed.
“I thought you were too conservative!” I said.
“With my dark green Barbour jacket and plaid shirt.”
“Yup,” I laughed. “Little did I know!”
Exteriors sometimes lie.
(And interiors, too.)
I should know. It was such agony looking for a lover. Will they like me? Would they be crazy? Could they be semi normal?
Was it too much too ask to find everything you wanted in one person?
Um, yeah. I never would have hoped I’d find it all. The sense of humor, the nerdiness, the intelligence, the passion, the warmth, and the sweetness in one guy.
I knew it was far fetched.
“I was so lucky that I met you,” he added.
“Mr. Affair Virgin meets the Adultery Queen herself. The irony. Little did you know!”
“I’m glad you took a chance on me,” he said.
“I’m glad, too, since this is more than I’ve ever wished for.”
We are a success story.
That elusive unicorn scenario.
But it took lots of misses and near misses to get to this point.
Two adulterers who decided to blow up our lives. “Change each other’s situations,” and take the leap. We know how rare and precious a good partnership is, so we try to preserve it.
“We have to keep dating!”
“Sex and intimacy is key.”
“We have to talk through problems.”
And we do.
We understand it takes work. Patience and understanding, too. It’s not a slam dunk into happily ever after. It isn’t for any couple.
Conflicts can’t fester.
We have to prioritize our union.
Appreciation is how.
“Thanks, babe for getting me a latte.” Or cleaning the kitchen or getting groceries. It is the little and the big things that make us feel connected and grateful for each other.
“I appreciate all that you do.” Saying it. Over and over again.
“I’m on your team.”
“I have your back.”
“I’m on your side.”
Not having consideration was what got us cheating in the first place. That was why we ultimately left. Our spouses didn’t show us love in the way we needed.
We found what we were looking for — what we never got in our respective marriages.
Who would have thought a cheating site would bring the perfect person for us? Except it happened.
The irony was that Ashley Madison helped me find my soul mate.
…
Follow me at [email protected] (It’s free motherfucker, and I’m worth it!)
Buy me a chai tea (my fave!) at [email protected]
Support me at ko-fi/monalisasmiled because I’m interestingly evil…
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Etienne Girardet on Unsplash
