Damien Bohler didn’t even really desire the woman sitting across the table, but her lack of desire for him left him lonely and depressed.
“The three great mysteries: a bird unto air, a fish unto water, a man unto himself” – Hindu Proverb
We sat across from one another. She was cute and I was enjoying chatting with her and getting to know her. We had been interacting via messages and emails for a couple of weeks after meeting online. We exchanged long rambling emails discussing personal thoughts and feelings about relationships amongst other things. I knew, from our online interactions, that she was not what I was looking for yet I still felt the desire to meet her and so here we were.
I asked her what she thought about me now that we have met. She expressed enjoying talking with me and at the same time a distinct lack of any spark. Does there need to be a spark? The thought floated through my mind, an inquiry to be investigated another time.
I noticed how fine I felt about hearing this and that I agreed. There was nothing tangible in the air between us that would want me to go out of my way to have more time with this woman.
And yet a part of me wanted her to like me anyway. Even knowing the discomfort and unnecessary sense of responsibility I heap upon myself when confronted with being wanted, I still wanted it. I wanted to have sex with her too, even knowing I would feel nothing and probably be worse for it due to the distinct lack of emotional connection combined with that sense of obligation I so often feel.
We finished up our meal and I walked her to the bus station. We said goodbye, and hugged. It was a real goodbye and I could feel that we would never see one another again.
I walked off to catch my train and something inside me had broken. An intense sadness washed through me and remained for the next few days. When I finally got home two days later I deleted my online dating account. I would rather have no contact with women if this was the way I was going to relate to them. This was definitely NOT in line with the highest vision of myself.
I thought I had gotten to a point where I could do appreciation pretty well. Neediness, sure I had some of that – who didn’t? It was out there though, a big thing that would arise only when it was a woman I really wanted like my last story. I had no idea it was this subtle, this pervasive and that a sense of neediness tinged and flavoured every interaction I had with every woman. Not even women, with everyone. It was the water I was swimming in and for the first time I got a real glimpse of it and it hurt. I could see how this seemingly small nuance was having a devastating impact on the way I showed up in life and in relation to others.
And wrapped around all of this is an overarching elation that I am seeing these things, that my sense of self is expanding enough to encompass and feel more fully what has been beneath the surface for so long. Awareness, I think, leads to the potential for true, deep and meaningful evolution. I am excited to be on this journey, each new insight is a victory and they are coming hard and fast.
I am curious about what you see in this Shana.
Damien,
As your journey takes you deeper, beyond the cultural mindset of “right and wrong, do and don’t,” we get into real, raw, messy and sometimes esoteric humanness — the essence of what drives our thoughts, choices and actions. This date illuminated your desire to be wanted, not only by a woman you wanted, but by any, even all, women. You stumbled into a human truth many people are never vulnerable enough to admit or feel — that deep desire to be wanted.
There are a few ways you, or anyone, could respond when something painful arises. Outward actions aside, we either choose to feel the pain or cut off from it. From what you described in our discussion, shutting down your dating profile helped you stay connected with the pain, and eventually inspired a thorough and updated look at who you are and what you are looking for.
For someone else, shutting down the dating profile could be a way to avoid the pain. “If it hurts this much then I won’t continue.” It’s sometimes easier to stop the activity that caused pain than to investigate the pain itself.
This part gets a bit esoteric but you’re going there, so I’m responding. The thing about being human is that we can’t escape our humanness. Even if you become a buddhist monk and go meditate in a cave, if you come back into the world you’ll have to face the actual desires that didn’t tempt you when you were alone.
The key to one’s freedom here is in your willingness to feel the pain, rather than push it away as you might be able to do in a cave. In this case, making time to feel the discomfort of wanting to be wanted, while alone and in the face of interactions with others. It is powerful to do this before taking any actions like shutting down a profile or stopping dating, though each person and each situation is different.
Sometimes accepting and feeling the pain, all the way down to that place you’d rather turn away from, is enough to create freedom. It can shift your understanding of yourself and the choices you make in each moment. Sometimes the well worn grooves of habit in our brains make it difficult to respond in new ways. Therapy, coaching, bodywork and other modalities are powerful to loosen the binds you find yourself in, to find freedom and new possibilities.
For the reader: Consider something that has been emotionally painful for you lately. Notice how you may push away the pain. Do you eat, drink, keep yourself busy with t.v., friends, or Facebook? Take five minutes (or longer) to sit silently and actually feel the pain you’ve avoided. Notice the sensations and emotions without needing to do or fix anything.
Then ask yourself what support you’d need (from yourself or others) to continue facing, rather than avoiding this. Do you need to talk through the situation with a neutral party, share a truth you’ve been hiding, forgive yourself, understand someone else’s point of view, find an accountability buddy and start meditating daily, find a coach or therapist…?
Take one step in the direction you discovered. See where that takes you. Continue to take one step at a time rather than overwhelming yourself with thinking you need a complete solution.
Let us know how it goes and if you have questions,
Shana
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Photo: Flickr/vicki MacLeod
Ogwriter, that is fair enough. Perhaps we are only talking about Western culture then where masculinity is a confused issue. I have seen a progression that seems to happen for men in this ‘evolutionary’ or developmental arena. First men are disconnected from their ability to fully feel, somewhat cut off and in this space the masculine is gonna be quite uncaring, crude, a little rough or perhaps totally numb and apathetic. Then something at some point in a mans life causes him to start feeling. The Mankind Project is a great example of a group helping men step into their… Read more »
✺.”For cultures that don’t believe that having empathy,sensitivity or being authentic is related to gender, a reformation of masculinity may not be necessary.”✺ Not intending to challenge either of you, but merely curious: are there particular cultures you are aware of that this would apply to? Being of a largely Western frame, most cultures in my awareness tend to sit qualities like empathy within the frame of the feminine…which is not to say that men don’t exhibit these traits, only that they tend to be associated more with the feminine than the masculine. If there are cultures where this is… Read more »
Hi Ogwriter
Well said :
✺.”For cultures that don’t believe that having empathy,sensitivity or being authentic is related to gender, a reformation of masculinity may not be necessary.”✺
I can appreciate your confusion.Perhaps I can explain.I read your bio and your article.It was the bio where you write about evolving masculinity on the planet,etc. etc. ,that caught my attention.One could assume, generally speaking,that somewhere on the planet,masculinity is evolving.I get that completely. Evolution,being a proactive pursuit,isn’t a given. As westerners our tendency is too view the masculinity issues some are experiencing as the defining experience in the world.I have seen this flawed perspective in men’s groups-and feminists groups too- since the Iron John days.I haven’t seen much difference in men’s groups today and I am always somewhat skeptical… Read more »
Hi Ogwriter
Well said :
✺.”For cultures that don’t believe that having empathy,sensitivity or being authentic is related to gender, a reformation of masculinity may not be necessary.”✺
To each their own,but who says masculinity worldwide is being transformed,or needs to be?Believing so is just a bit presumptious,don’t you think?There isn’t,to my knowledge,only one cultural expression of masculinity in the world.So,perhaps it would be prudent to speak in specifics.It is dangerous,some say imperialistic, to deny through ignorance or other means the existance of and contributions to humanity of other cultures.American values are not the default values for the entire world,we are only 5% of the world’s population.What the heck do we actually know about the thousands upon thousands of different cultural approaches to defining masculinity.Certainly not enough to… Read more »
Hi ogwriter, I am curious about where in this article you saw the suggestions about the transformation of masculinity? True I do actually believe it is, as all things transform, evolve and grow. It’s the nature of the universe to do so… why would we expect that our own culture and psyches are free from such a movement into increasing levels of complexity? This piece is actually a personal series about my own challenges in dating and love and how I am discovering through my own personal evolution increasing effortlessness in this, and other fields of my life. To get… Read more »
Have you done the Authentic Man Program out in San Fran? (I did an awesome weekend with them before out here in Boston) Sounds like this is right up there with what they’re all about.
Hey Michael thanks for suggesting it. I have been aware of their work for a long time and while I haven’t had a chance to get to the US (I am currently in Australia), Shana who posts on these articles and works with me is one of the AMP women.
🙂