It seems to me that the main focus of the average guy’s sexuality remains pretty much unchanged throughout his life. He wants sex, and by sex I mean vaginal intercourse.
It’s a worthy cause, and perfectly understandable – vaginal intercourse is the personification of human sexual contact, the perfect union of form and function. And when it’s done “right,” provides mutual physical and emotional satisfaction for all parties involved.
Unfortunately, what Average Guy doesn’t know is that, when it comes to that whole, sex-for-pleasure thing: vaginal intercourse is for men!
Sure, women can find tremendous pleasure and satisfaction from intercourse, but if it’s pure sexual gratification we’re talking about, sex that involves a quick dash to penetration is not anywhere near the top of Average Woman’s list of preferences.
There are, of course, Average Guys that would say, “so what?”, to this fact – after all, he’s getting his! But it just might begin to matter to these same guys if they took the time to realize that their single-mindedness, the constant effort to have vaginal intercourse at every phase of their lives, is actually lessening their chances for that and more.
Because the better you are at sex, the more you’re going to get.
In defense of Average Guy, the odds are stacked against him – without strong lessons to the contrary, we succumb to the influences of our culture. In other words, without awareness and some individual effort, the Average Guy’s sexuality will be channelled into the current of our culture, swept away into this same pattern of counter-productive thinking.
Consider Average Guy’s sexuality, and how it is likely evolving these days:
The Young Buck – from around age 16 or so, the Young Buck’s (YB’s) sexuality is typified by jerking off to porn while dreaming about getting “laid”. I say laid because this type of language is consistent with the kind of distorted view of sex pornography provides. Sure, you can tell a YB that nothing about porn is real – from penis size and female anatomy comparisons to appropriate and desirable sexual behavior, porn is a terrible role model. But you can’t stop them from watching, even if you can prove that it’s in their best interests to do so. That’s right, watching porn only hurts a YB’s chances of having sex with someone other than himself!
Frat Boy – growing up and probably no longer a virgin, the college age, Frat Boy’s (FB’s) sexuality has evolved to jerking off to porn while dreaming about getting “pussy.” He has advanced from 2 dimensional objects of desire to 3 dimensional, multi-sensory experiences – and he’s hooked. But without strong lessons to the contrary, FBs will learn from porn, where sex is impersonal and all about vaginal penetration of one form or another. Even lesbian sex is filmed with hard, fast and often abusive vaginal penetration. (Maybe that’s why nature designed the vagina to be less sensitive than the clitoris – so overly excited men can hump away like mad for a minute or two without too much discomfort!) Take all of this conditioning and combine it with our cultural view that suggests it’s a FB’s birthright to pursue sex with abandon, and it’s no wonder they equate vaginal intercourse with sex – as opposed to being only a small part of its possibilities.
Single Guy – experience is an excellent teacher, and Single Guy (SG) is learning that his partner’s pleasure is also important. Sex has become personal, “foreplay” is introduced as some form of optional sex designed for her pleasure, and consequently, his definition of sex is expanding. Nonetheless, SG still spends considerable time jacking off to porn (it’s the largest demographic for porn use), but now he’s dreaming about sex. Unfortunately, if SG took the time to learn more about sex than what he was experiencing, then he would no longer be average, because all too often SG thinks he has it figured out more than he really does – stuck behind what I have called the Dude Barrier, a misplaced notion that he knows what he’s doing in bed. If he did, he wouldn’t be average.
Long-Term Lover – “sexless marriage” wouldn’t be the most commonly searched sex term on the Internet if there weren’t significant problems in this category. LTLs have “played the field”, made a choice, then watched as their once hot sex-lives fade to unsatisfactory levels. With sex, there is no going back, of course, and consequently, LTLs end up spending plenty of time masturbating to porn and dreaming about making love. Rather than accept, understand and adjust to changing circumstances, LTLs are apt to keep the pressure for vaginal intercourse on, exacerbating an already sensitive issue.
It’s not a pretty picture, and the outcome of this learning strategy is apparent in statistics and surveys concerning sexual dissatisfaction, divorce, and cheating – which all point to a general lack of knowledge.
The good news is that Average Guy, whether a Young Buck or Long-Term Lover, can learn to redirect all of that masculine sexual energy into efforts that can give him what he wants – while at the same time increasing the pleasure for his partner.
Men want more sex
Women want better sex
Better sex yields more sex.
As an alternative to “letting nature take its course”, or treating sex like an on-the-job training program when PhDs are available, I offer the following list of essential skills for any man interested in learning a more positive, and effective approach to sex:
Stop Trying – across the board, from Frat Boy to Long-Term Lover, my advice has always been the same – if you want to have more sex, then you have to stop trying to have sex. Sex is a natural consequence of desire, interest and opportunity, factors that will align with increasing frequency as you learn more about sex.
Begin by recognizing that every smile, flirt or friendly exchange from a woman is not some kind of signal to “make your moves”. All too often, women feel forced to withhold their warmth or true sexual natures for fear of unwanted attention. Give women room to express their sexual energy freely around you, then with you and all kinds of possibilities become available.
Redirect The Drive – take all of that effort formerly directed at trying to have sex, and redirect it to making yourself more desirable.
Forget any traditional notions that women only want men with movie star looks and bank accounts, and focus on more important characteristics such as:
- Integrity – be a man of your word in all matters. Period.
- Appearance – a healthy, well-groomed body is always sexy
- Confidence – whoever or whatever you are, own it
Respect Women As Equals – women are neither frail creatures in need of protection, nor cherished objects to be collected – so forget the double standards and give them the same considerations you would want for yourself, in and out of the bedroom.
Learn About Your Sexuality – no, I’m not talking about new positions! I’m talking about more important lessons such as basic anatomy. Knowing the difference between a vulva and a vagina or how the clitoris functions (not fully understood until 2009!) will make a world of difference in your ability to please your partner. But that is just the beginning, because the wonderful world of sex is far more than Average Guy would likely discover on his own, so accelerate the learning curve by reading about your sexuality. Like any topic or skill worth mastering, individual effort is required, with rewards coming in direct relationship to the amount of effort invested.
Humans are among the few species on earth that have sex for the sole purpose of pleasure. And pleasurable it is! Yet, even pleasure can be measured in degrees, and consequently, Average Man and Average Woman might do well in asking themselves, is average sex meeting their sexual needs, interests and desires? Probably not. So break with the norm, and invest the time and energy into learning about your sexuality. It will be well worth the effort.
Photo modified from Flickr/Makena Zayle Gadient
Originally posted at Get Real With Sex.