“Bad Texter” or Just Not That Into You? [Video]

Transcript provided by YouTube (unedited)

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do you find yourself in the early stages
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of dating someone right now and getting
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increasingly frustrated or even anxious
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that
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they’re not texting you or calling you
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as much as you want and you find
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yourself wondering is this person just
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bad at texting or are they really just
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not that into me in which case i am
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gonna get hurt here this is tricky
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because early on in dating we don’t feel
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or even have
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a right
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to tell someone that they should text us
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more if we’ve only just met someone on
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an app or even
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we’ve only been on a date with them and
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they’re texting us less than we would
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like it’s hard to say hey i want you to
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reach out more because that person might
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be like hey
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i just met you and you’re not such a big
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part of my life yet
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and
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that’s true
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at that point
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someone doesn’t know us that well we’ve
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not become a priority to someone they
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have other things going on in their life
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i hope
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and therefore
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we might not be getting as much
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communication as our ego would like but
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it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong amount of
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communication we’re getting however
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over time
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and by that i mean days and weeks not
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months
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the amount of communication should build
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there should be a trajectory to the
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communication we should feel
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like there’s momentum building there is
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a sense of progress if we feel no
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progress
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that’s a problem so this is the first
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thing i want you to think about when
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you’re trying to
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ascertain whether someone is
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just not great at certain forms of
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communication or whether they just don’t
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like you all that much
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is
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is the communication improving the
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second thing i want you to think about
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is the difference between inconsistency
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and scarcity
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if someone is inconsistent with their
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communication if one day they send you
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lots and lots of messages and they’re
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really gushy and they’re all over you
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and then you don’t hear from them for
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four days that’s a problem that’s
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inconsistency and inconsistency is often
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a red flag it’s a sign of something
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worse might be that they’re just seeing
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multiple people and they’re juggling you
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with other people and they’re not really
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invested in this relationship at all it
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might be that they’ve got a kind of
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novelty-based fast food attitude toward
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their dating life with you where when
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they want something they’re all over you
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whether it’s attention or validation or
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sex
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but then as soon as they don’t want
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something anymore they’re off to the
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next thing and they don’t want to know
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you at all
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that’s a problem scarcity
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is different from inconsistency
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scarcity is when
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the communication isn’t necessarily
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inconsistent but you just don’t feel
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like you’re getting enough of it
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now like i said in the very beginning
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that might just be because you’re not a
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priority to someone yet and that’s okay
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but as things progress if there’s still
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a scarcity of communication you’re not
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getting as much as you would like
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then we have to look at
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is this because someone doesn’t like you
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or is it because
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they just don’t value communication in
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the way that you do it’s hard to have a
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conversation about this without someone
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asking like what’s the right amount
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what’s the right amount of texting
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someone in dating what’s the right
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amount of calling when they’re not with
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you
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and there is no right answer to that
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it’s the answer is somewhere between no
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communication at all and so much
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communication that you communicate
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you have no life in the middle
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is just compatibility
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how much do you need
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how much do they need and that’s where a
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lot of issues
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arise what’s
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frustrating is that a lot of
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conversations between people around this
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end up being debates
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about texting the value of texting or
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the value of phone calls it’s typical
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for clients to come to me and say i’m
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dating someone and they tell me that
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they just they’re a bad texter they’re
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just really i’m just crap at texting i’m
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just no good at texting or they say i’m
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just really bad with my phone
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or i hate phone calls i just i can’t
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stand being on the phone it drives me
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crazy some people may even have a noble
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reason for it i just
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i just
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try to reduce my screen time i don’t
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like being on my phone all the time i
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feel like i want to like put it down and
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if i’m texting all the time then i’m
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constantly checking my phone whatever
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the reason
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the danger is that when
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we think about that we get drawn into
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the weeds
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of what should actually be a much more
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fundamental
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conversation the fundamental
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conversation is not one of arguing about
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the medium
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it’s assessing your need for closeness
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closeness is about how connected you
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feel to a person when you’re not
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spending time together in person in
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other words each day
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do you feel like you’re connected to
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that person’s life do you feel like you
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know anything about what’s going on in
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their day or what they’re going through
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or what their moods are what the
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highlights of their day are do they know
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anything about your day and if too many
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days in a row the answer is
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we’re not connected
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we know nothing about each other’s day
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or how we’re feeling
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then there’s a problem of closeness
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not just a a
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kind of argument to be had about
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communication i think that we get
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dragged down these
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these alleyways that are not all that
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important when we argue but i like
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texting i hate texting but you know i
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just wish you would text me because i
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really enjoy it now
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you’re having a debate about texting as
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a concept but what is your need for a
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text really
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it’s not your need for words on a screen
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your need for a text is your need to
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feel close to somebody i don’t really
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care where people get their closeness as
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long as they get it if someone doesn’t
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text you but they’re amazing at calling
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you
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that can solve that problem if someone
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is great at leaving you voice memos if
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they’re like i hate texting but they
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leave you these beautiful voice notes
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and they tell you about their day and
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they ask you about yours
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then you have closeness
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you see it’s not about the medium
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it’s about the level of closeness and
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what i want to encourage you to do is
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think about this way of framing up
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the conversation
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when you bring your grievances to
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somebody if you’re not getting your
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needs met
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then
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i want you to go to somebody and have a
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conversation about connection and
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closeness
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not a debate
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about
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a medium so you can say to somebody hey
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look i know i get that you don’t love
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being on your phone or sitting on your
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phone on a phone call isn’t something
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that you’re naturally drawn towards but
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the truth is
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i just don’t feel close to you when
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we’re not together because we
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we’re not
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in each other’s lives we’re not
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talking to each other
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and
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that for me is an issue
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because i don’t want to just wait till
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the next time i see you to feel like i
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know anything about your day or you know
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anything about mine
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so for me it’s just i
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you know i
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i want to be close to the person that
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i’m with and i don’t feel close when
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we’re not together
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so can we work on that can we fix that
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that opens up a dialogue about something
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much more important
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than whether someone likes texting and
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they can’t distract you with that
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conversation and by the way
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the way i’m having the conversation is
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something that
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it’s a way to have the conversation
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further down the line if you’re in early
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dating with someone you’ve been on a few
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dates there’s attraction there but you
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feel like you don’t hear from the person
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enough
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you can point that out you can make fun
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of it you are a terrible texter
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and let them respond well i just don’t
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really like texting okay well then pick
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up the phone and call me i want to hear
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from you i miss your voice you don’t
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have to be meek
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about these things you can even be a
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bit bold but
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cute at the same time and text someone
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and say um
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you need to text me more
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okay bye
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kiss a text like that is playfully
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demanding
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but it also does send a message to
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someone
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and if it ever graduates into a bigger
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conversation maybe you’re in person
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sometime
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and you end up talking about it again
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just don’t you don’t have to get in the
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weeds about it just make it a
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conversation about i i like to hear from
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you i want to hear from you more and let
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it be that now if ultimately the result
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of that conversation is somebody saying
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i just really don’t i just don’t like
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texting i don’t like phone calls and
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i’m only going to be able to give this
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much communication when we’re not
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together and that really falls short of
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your needs
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then you have an issue of compatibility
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even if you do like me we’re not
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compatible
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because
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i’ve i don’t feel close to the person
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i’m with not nearly close enough to be
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happy i don’t even need to ask myself
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the question are you into me
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the question really becomes am i happy
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am i happy with the way that you
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communicate
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and if the answer is no it doesn’t
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matter if they’re into you or not of
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course there are always going to be
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moments between people where you’re 20
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apart right
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it could be that you’re in a
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relationship not just early dating could
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be you’re in a relationship where
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you
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have amazing date nights and quality
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time together when in the evenings but
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during someone’s working day they don’t
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text you as much as you would like
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but maybe when they’re in work mode they
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really do lose themselves in work mode
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and that might be a conversation about
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hey i know that when you’re at work
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you’d kind of just get into a flow and
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you lose yourself and you don’t want to
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be on your phone in that time i get that
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but even if you at lunch time just sent
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me a message telling me
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that you love me that would go a long
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way those are conversations about
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preferences about something that would
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be nice to have something that would
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mean a lot to you
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but it’s not necessarily a fundamental
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conversation about a lack of closeness
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and connection in the relationship the
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conversation someone has with you about
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being a bad texter
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or being bad with their phone or not
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liking being on the phone
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is a
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distraction the conversation you should
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be having with someone is whatever is
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the case about what you do and don’t
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like
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i need to feel like i’m close to the
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person that i’m with
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and if i don’t feel that
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that’s a problem for me if someone feels
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that kind of powerful energy from you
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talking about something actually
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meaningful and important not texting
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they’re gonna have to elevate
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their conversation to and you’ll quickly
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find out whether this is a person who’s
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interested in investing more and making
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sure there’s closeness
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or whether this was someone who was just
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using texting as an excuse
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for the fact that they were never really
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into the relationship in the first place
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one of the things i have found over the
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years is that the biggest barrier to us
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having standards and being able to
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communicate boldly and confidently our
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standards to somebody else
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is our deeper level confidence
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when we don’t feel we’re worthy of great
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treatment when we don’t feel we’re
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worthy of someone’s attention or love or
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a relationship we get meek
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we don’t ask for what we want or if we
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do we do it in a way that communicates
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to someone that they can keep giving us
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scraps because we’re not going anywhere
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the route to an amazing love life is
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having
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real
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confidence at the deepest level
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and i realized this over 10 years ago
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which is why i created my retreat
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program because i wanted a place where i
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could
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not give people dating tips but give
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people the fundamentals
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of self-confidence and self-worth
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that meant that they would never ever
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have a problem asking for what they
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wanted again
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and the irony is when we have that
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energy
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people start to pay attention to us
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differently
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we’re attractive on a whole new level
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not just in our love lives but when it
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comes to jobs and opportunities and
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friendships life
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suddenly starts presenting us with whole
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new opportunities when we have that
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energy for the first time in two and a
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half years
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my in-person retreat that i’ve been
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running for over a decade is back
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it is a six-day process it is happening
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in fort lauderdale florida and this
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might be your last chance to apply so if
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you want to learn more i want to invite
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you to find out more at mhretreat.com
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i have a team of three amazing people
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emma michael and charlotte
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who are all waiting to talk to you about
13:56
the program
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learn your story and hear anything that
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you might have to ask come check it out
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at mhretreat.com
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and i very much hope that i get to see
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you in florida
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you

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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