Being Cautious of Red Flags Is the Wrong Approach To Love

We’ve all had the pleasure of feeling a gravitational pull towards someone attractive. Everything about them was exceptional and awesome, and we had to have them.

We’ve also had the displeasure of getting catastrophically damaged by these same irresistible people. Everything that was once amazing and special are now barbs in our hearts. It’s even worse when they hurt us in the same way the last irresistible person did.

You start to develop the notion that maybe there’s something wrong with you. Fortunately, there isn’t anything wrong with you. However, there is a perspective that is causing you to want what will damage you.

Have you ever noticed that when you feel sucked into these people’s world that you feel anxious? That was actually a warning but we have this idea that when we feel butterflies in our stomach that that’s a good sign.

But the other times we feel the same nervousness are before an exam or when we have to come clean about something we did wrong. We are uncertain about the outcome of these events; this is why we feel nervous. But why do we feel uncertain in the first place? It is because our safety is unassured.

From the time you were a kid your subconscious mind has been stacking up the traits of those who present as unsafe and those who present as safe, especially in intimate relationships.

If your earliest introductions to intimate relationships were unsafe, this was obviously painful. No one wants to feel a lack of security in their relationships with parents or caregivers. But this is where that perspective I mentioned earlier comes back to haunt you.

Much like a broken bone, the emotional pain from past insecure intimate relationships isn’t going to go away. You can try to minimize it or ignore it. It is still there and it demands your attention.

The perspectives come out of the emotional pain you felt. These perspectives might say things like:

– love is painful

– a relationship is when you try to connect with someone and they ignore you

– once someone gets what they want from me they leave

– men only want one thing

– women only want one thing

– I must be worthless because people wouldn’t treat me this way if I had worth

And here comes the gravitational pull of a super-special person.

The reason you want certain people really badly is because your subconscious sees that this person is a perfect candidate to prove your perspective right. And as horrendous as that sounds, it explains why we experience the same failures from different partners.

So to summarize the process:

– you suffered in an intimate relationship (usually parent/caregiver)

– you want to experience something different, something better

– but your subconscious holds a perspective that relationships unfold in a particular way

– someone “amazing” shows up but they’re only amazing because they match your perspective of what a relationship is

– they prove your perspective right by hurting you in the same way you were hurt in the first intimate relationship

It’s at this point that one has a choice to make. One either addresses the pain from the first intimate relationship and the perspective that was derived from the pain, or they continue to ignore the pain and perspective, and go in search of another relationship.

So why do nice guys and girls finish last? Firstly, that’s not a rule. Some nice guys and girls choose each other every day, and that’s because they have perspectives about love and relationships that are positive. They then choose people who match that perspective and enjoy happy relationships.

They overlook the partners that would be destructive but they do not get sucked into a gravitational pull for the positive partners. Real simply recognizes real, calmness prevails over anxiety and good things happen.

However, there are some nice people who have a perspective about relationships that says that their needs are secondary or flat out unimportant. They could’ve held any of the perspectives that were listed earlier.

They then try to do a bunch of stuff to convince others that they are good enough to date but you can’t beat your own subconscious perspective. You have to address the pain of the past that allowed the perspective to come up in the first place.

Emotion is the first cause, perspective is second because perspective is derived from the emotions one experienced.

And when the emotion and perspective are addressed, you will cease to experience the gravitational pull from these types of people. You can see right through them. The many red flags to look out for are crimson and clear.

As a result, people who actually make sense no longer have to compete against the gravitational pull caused by our own subconscious perspectives. They no longer have to compete against people who shouldn’t even be in the race.

When people make a list of traits to steer clear of it is hard for us to follow through because dealing with each of the bad traits is overwhelming and sometimes we don’t know how to qualify a trait based on context or fairness, or to avoid double standards.

It is far more efficient to address the root that is causing us to ignore the red flags in the first place. But based on what has been outlined here, are we really ignoring the red flags, or do we see and follow the red flags because they match what we believe love and relationships to be?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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