Being Right, or Being in a Relationship

There’s an old saying that “we can either be right or be in a relationship.”

Let’s look at where I feel this is true and how it affects relationship anxiety.

Often, my clients come to me because they are having difficulty accepting their partner’s beliefs and behaviors.

They may consider themselves superior to their partner due to their divergent ideas and behaviors.

This causes fear that they are in an incorrect relationship.

It also leads to normal human behavior: striving to be correct.

When we face opinions that differ from ours, we frequently experience discomfort and want to “be right” or “win” so that our identity and beliefs are not questioned.

For example, suppose you are more liberal, and your partner is more conservative.

At your core, you both believe in human equality, generosity to all, and a world with less division.

However, regarding specific problems in the news, you may disagree or fail to appreciate the other person’s point of view.

This leads to the usual intrusive thought: “I don’t know if I can be with someone who thinks that way…” or “We’re too different…this is too hard.”

If we dispute with our partner every time and think we can’t be together or that things are too difficult, it’s no surprise we’re uneasy.

However, if we view arguments as an opportunity to understand better and connect, we may find more acceptance and a deeper connection in our relationship.

Yung Pueblo, an author and poet, writes about it beautifully. He says:

Understanding Instead of Winning: When two individuals are close together, the conflict will inevitably develop; how you handle disagreements over time will determine whether your connection grows stronger or drifts apart.

Conflict is natural since egos are typically motivated by desire rather than honesty.

When disagreement develops, it is not a sign that something is fundamentally wrong; instead, it is an opportunity for you both to better understand yourselves and practice honoring your truths while remaining flexible.

Conflict should not be viewed as something that should never occur; rather, it often arises to achieve a higher degree of understanding, opening the door to greater harmony.

Ego desires to win, whereas loving clarity tries to understand. When you become conscious of your ego, it loses strength and allows your actions to be motivated by loving clarity.

You want to be fair in these challenging situations and take turns describing your points of view.

It is beneficial to base your narratives on how you felt as events unfolded rather than simply assigning blame.

You should not try to undermine each other’s viewpoints. Once you’ve established how you both felt, the real work begins: figuring out how to meet in the middle and move on.”

There is so much wonderful to examine in Yung Pueblo’s words. Several things stood out to me:

“How you handle clashes after some time can decide if your association becomes further or whether you begin floating separated.” — this rings so valid for me, and that’s what I’ll add: it’s a recurring thread in ALL relationships. We believe that in a perfect relationship, we will agree on everything and never have disagreements, but this is not the case. Of course, some couples have higher degrees of agreement and compatibility than others. Still, Gottman Institute research suggests that it is more important to focus on HOW you disagree rather than HOW MUCH you disagree.
“[Conflict is a chance to] practice honoring your truths while remaining flexible.” — this is a compelling message. Self-sacrificing in a relationship and never sharing what you believe (or your “truth”) is not beneficial, but bullying your partner(s) and only providing space for your beliefs (or “truths”) is also not helpful. There must be space for all participants to express their thoughts and feelings while also being open to hearing and validating alternative points of view.
“Ego craves to win, but loving clarity seeks to understand.” — how would our relationships alter if we attempted to understand better the individuals across from us rather than striving to “win” and “be right”? It’s challenging to accomplish at the moment, but developing the ability to listen to a loved one without invalidating them is critical in relationships. And the more we practice, the more we may get in return.
“When it is clear how you both felt, the genuine work spins around, all sorting out how you can compromise and push ahead.” — Compromise is vital in relationships. It wasn’t “my way or the highway” because “let’s tackle this as a team, even if it means neither of us are getting the exact result we expected.” This talent is present in all interactions, and assuming differently is risky. Being in a relationship without compromise could mean one person constantly gets their way while the other allows it to happen.

After pondering Yung Pueblo’s strong words about seeking understanding above victory, let us return to the saying, “We can be right or be in a relationship.”

This sentence rings primarily true for me in my dating experiences thus far.

When I try to “win” over Nate, even if my ego feels better in the time, I almost always feel bad afterward.

And the same with him; even if he “proves me wrong,” we both feel inadequate.

When one person “wins,” the partnership typically “loses.”

When we can pursue knowledge rather than victory, it means we:

Don’t get on your high horse and look down on someone else’s beliefs or actions.
Prioritize the common good over “winning.”
Rather than passing judgment, seek to understand one another.
Swallow our pride and recognize that our beliefs are neither “right” nor “wrong” but somewhat subjective.
Relationships are more important than winning.

It’s difficult to break free from the desire to win and be correct, yet our relationships depend on it.

Next time you feel your partner has to change or grow, ask yourself, “Is my ego running the show here…?”

Usually, it is.

Choosing the connection over being right is often viable, provided there is no abuse and essential life values are not compromised.

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As always, thank you for reading!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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