—
Contrary to popular belief, there are a slew of black guys between 21 and 35 who want a relationship but can’t find the right match.
Midway through Chasing Amy—the 1997 romantic comedy that made everyone think Kevin Smith was the next Woody Allen when he really just turned out to be Nicholas Sparks with Tourette’s—there’s a scene where Banky (Jason Lee) is trying to convince his best friend Holden (Ben Affleck) that the woman Holden has fallen in love with, Alyssa (played by a surprisingly fetching Joey Lauren Adams), is still a lesbian (she “became” straight after meeting Holden) and will eventually leave Holden and break his heart.
To punctuate his point, Banky draws a picture where the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, a “typical” man-hating lesbian, and a “male-affectionate” lesbian (representing Alyssa) are at opposite ends of a four-way road. In the middle of the road is a $100 bill, and he asks Holden which of the four would get the $100 bill first.
Holden: The man-hating dyke.
Banky: Good. Why?
Holden: I don’t know.
Banky: [shouting] Because the other three are figments of your f**king imagination!
♦◊♦
I’m reminded of this scene every time I remind people that the dating game isn’t exactly smooth sailing for every 21- to 35-year-old black man. Between the statistics showing that there’s something like 179,000 black women to every eligible black male in each desirable metropolitan area, the studies proving that black women are perpetually out-everything-ing black men, and the ubiquitous stories about condom-challenged brothas like New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromardie—guys who seem to be single-handedly attempting to re-populate the island from Lost—I’m sure that if I told a random dating-aged sista that there are actually black guys out there who genuinely want to be in a relationship (with a black woman!) but have trouble finding the right match, she’d probably tell me that they were a figment of my f**king imagination too.
Her skepticism would be justified. Hyperbole aside, according to the U.S. Census, while only 24% of white women and 23% of Asian women have never been married, a staggering 45% of black women have never walked down the aisle, a fact that’s mainly due to the lack of eligible black male options.
But if so, if these somewhat star-crossed men were mere figments of my imagination, I guess that was a bunch of bespectacled ghosts I saw at a Foreign Exchange concert a few weekends ago, mouthing each of Phonte’s lyrics while scanning the crowd to find the type of muse that would make a man write “Greater Than the Sun.” That must be an apparition who sends me a text message at least once a week, asking if my girlfriend has any newly single homegirls looking to “build with a brotha.” And I definitely must’ve dreamt up the dozens of game nights, weekly wing specials, and house parties I’ve attended in the past several years, the dozens of conversations I’ve had with the dozens of single men also in attendance, guys desperately seeking “their own Michelle [Obama].”
“The cards are stacked in favor of guys, but not every guy is in a place to take advantage of the number discrepancy,” says Berook, a 24-year-old who, between singing in his church’s choir, rooting for the Redskins, and memorizing entire Kevin Hart routines, somehow finds time to work towards a Ph.D. in bio-medical engineering.
Not bad for a ghost.
♦◊♦
Berook’s statement reflected a trend I’ve noticed among the educated men in my social and occupational circles: a trend split into racial lines. I’m sure it wouldn’t shock anyone’s system to hear that while the majority of the 25- to 40-year-old white men I know are married, the majority of the brothas in that age range are single or dating with no marriage plans in the near future. But, while the commonly believed reason for this discrepancy is that most brothas are anti-marriage and monogamy, this couldn’t be further from the case. Often, they just haven’t found a compatible match, or they’re self-aware enough to realize that they still need to work on themselves before bringing another person in their lives.
Shawn, 27, a gregarious director of marketing for burgeoning nonprofit Sponsor Change (these sure are some busy-ass ghosts), expounds:
Yeah, I want to have a wife and kids and all that. But, I need to get my shit together first. Most of the sistas I meet want to date “ready-made” brothas, and while I’m on that track, I ain’t making Audi money yet.
This feeling alludes to the common stereotype of the successful black women and her unrealistic and uncompromising standards—think any character Gabrielle Union has ever played—an idea Berook quickly shoots down:
It’s not that sistas’ standards are too high. If I had an already successful daughter, I’d want her to date an already successful man. From a personal standpoint, though, I wouldn’t even want to enter a serious relationship unless I had my shit together.
And having your shit together means what exactly?
As a man, I’d feel a certain way if I had a girlfriend but I wasn’t able to take care of her. Nothing special, but you’d like to be able to at least go the movies every weekend and buy her nice things. Yeah, I’m in school now and working towards something. but I’ve actually stopped dating a woman I was interested in because I wasn’t where I needed to be financially. It’s a pride thing.
It’s a pride thing, indeed, Berook continues, a black-pride thing:
Seems like white men don’t feel “grown” until they start families, but we [black men] don’t seem to want to start families until we feel “grown” enough.
♦◊♦
While this train of thinking does seem like a big fat pile of excuse, the numbers back it up. A recent U.S. Census report—“Number, Timing and Duration of Marriages and Divorces: 2009”—shows that Americans across all racial lines are waiting longer to marry.
The Boston Globe‘s Peter Schwarm reports:
The median age at first marriage last year was 28 years for men, and 26 for women, up slightly from 2009. The rising age reflects a long-term trend. In 1980, the median age for men was just under 25, and 22 for women.
One can easily infer that the increased financial security that usually comes with increased age is a prominent factor in these decisions. I’m sure the recession has its grubby little hands in this pot as well. The hysteria that has come with it has induced a racially transcendent reluctance to make any matrimonial plans. Can’t say “I do” with confidence if you’re scared that the Zales goons are coming next week to repossess the wedding bands. Perhaps these figments of my imagination are ahead of the relationship curve and just haven’t quite realized it yet.
It’s fitting that both Shawn and Berook work in science- and tech-heavy fields, occupational paths black males rarely choose. I guess neither of them can ever quite escape the fact that they’re not supposed to exist. They’re also both aware that their lifestyles and career paths maybe not be as sexy as others’, a fact that definitely affects their prospects, says Shawn:
Not everybody grew up in a two-parent household. In fact, most of us haven’t. Because of that, we learn how to date and how to identify “good” men and women from TV. There is an association of success with a certain type of man, a certain type of occupation, and the more low-key guys tend to get overlooked.
The danger with feeling overlooked and undervalued is its gateway to overcompensation, a path Shawn’s trying to avoid:
You don’t want to be a sucker. Yeah, you might need to do some extra to get a chick, but if your input-to-output ratio isn’t the same, you’re a sucker because you’re devaluing yourself. You’re not true to yourself. Samson (from the Bible) was a sucker. Ain’t no way no woman should have convinced him to cut his hair. He should have just continued being him, the way he always was. Maybe you won’t get every woman you’re attracted to, but at least you’ll still have your integrity.
In the last 10 or so minutes of Chasing Amy, we find out that Banky was right (Alyssa did eventually break up with Holden and break his heart) and wrong (Alyssa wasn’t a “typical” man-hating lesbian) at the same time. Like Alyssa, the eligible black male who just can’t quite find his Michelle exists, and his existence is a bit too nuanced and variable to accurately summarize on a sheet of paper.
One thing is certain, though: they’re definitely not figments of my f**king imagination.
—
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I know I’m way late on reading this article, (almost a full yr late!) and I’m considered successful: single black Christian woman, 33, no kids, BA in computer science, home owner, great credit, student loan-free, car paid off, making good money, yet living well below my means! I’m low maintenance, (no fake nails, weave, etc) can’t care less about labels, and have both an emergency fund, as well as a travel account. I’ve set foot in 16 countries on 5 Continents, (all paid for by me; not military/job) and will be going to Dubai this fall. I’m a well rounded… Read more »
BE CAREFUL MENTIONING ALL THAT..SOME MAY TRY TO PICK YOU UP JUST BECAUSE OF ALL YOU MENTIONED-BUT FROM ONE SISTAH TO ANOTHER-I CAN DEF APPRECIATE ANOTHER EDUCATED SUCCESSFUL SISTAH…stay positive-blessed
I know I’m way late on reading this article, (almost a full yr late!) but I’m considered successful: 33, no kids, BA in computer science, home owner, great credit, student loan-free, car paid off, making good money, yet living well below my means! I’m low maintenance, can’t care less about labels, and have both an emergency fund, as well as a travel account. I’ve set foot in 16 countries on 5 Continents, and will be going to Dubai this fall. I’m a well rounded girl, who, besides traveling, loves to cook, bake, crochet, sew, and create pottery. And, I’m willing… Read more »
I loved your article post.Really thank you! Will read on…
This was an interesting and introspective read. I must admit, at times, I look around and say “where are these eligible men he speaks of!?” But, when it’s all said and done; I’m on the same page as Shawn; gotta get myself together first. In my social circle, my friends and I are realizing and accepting the fact that there is work to be done personally, before seeking such a serious commitment as marriage. But it doesn’t mean we can’t be working at both! Ideally, I’d want to work on a lifetime “while” I’m building spiritual, emotional, and financial empires;… Read more »
After reading the article then reading some comments,
The only solutions I can offer for both sides:
1) Stop the finger-pointing.
2) Stop the “me me me” shit.
3) Turn the TV off.
Hope this helps
I do looove me…lol..but I want to love someone else, also…and..I work more than i watch..TV..sooo what else?
Website Trackback Link…
[…]the time to read or visit the content or sites we have linked to below the[…]…
BUMP IT…START A DATING SERVICE!!!
It really is a shame that there are eligible men, looking for eligible women, and they can’t make a love connection. C’mon champ…be the black Patti Stanger (that’s a guy…and not Jewish…and maybe even nicer!). Ok, forget the Patti reference but don’t forget the idea. Get that matchmaker money and help out the cause.
This is very interesting. I didn’t think brothas with their shit together wanted to settle down.
I maintain hope that a good, Christian, employed, educated black man is out there..single..and interested in me. It’s been my experience that the _available_ variety of these fellas are indeed ghosts, at least in Washington, DC. I acknowledge that I can be skeptical when most men approach me…I’m working on being more relaxed. However, Cat calling gets old, and I’m not the type of thirsty chic to flag down a man just because he’s single and seems to meet the basic qualifications…and it almost seems as though that is what a woman has to do nowadays to stand out. :-/
There’s something I’m missing here, something I don’t quite understand in terms of argument. It’s probably something totally obvious staring at me in the face, but: It’s not clear how being financially strapped or trying to build a career means a man isn’t in a good place to commit to a long-term relationship. I can understand not wanting to take on added responsibility of being a parent or supporting other people, but that doesn’t that mean a busy guy can’t ever be in a committed relationship at all. Is the argument here that sometimes men are too busy to be… Read more »
Just putting this out there, for what it’s worth: I wonder what impression it gives to women to refer to oneself as a “brotha.” Perfectly valid word to use for yourself, claim whatever proud powerful word you want for yourself, but I’m just wondering if may be counterproductive. When I read that, it reminds me of when a white guy refers to himself as a “dude” — it may not give the impression of someone who can be serious-minded. I can’t speak for any women, but I’m guessing the word does not necessarily send a message of “marriage material.”
Well thanks for shedding light on the man’s side. This really makes sense, because from 25-32 I was with a dude and he wasn’t taking it to the next level. Part of the reason is because he didn’t feel like he was in that place financially, etc. He didn’t have his ish together. Problem is tho…I tried to build with him, invested in him, but he was too immature to respect that and make it work. Pride is a MF and really men need to respect the woman who is willing to go from Nothing to Something with them. How… Read more »
In your case the guy you were with had become an issue of ignorance more than an issue of pride. He might not realize it, but a lot of adults really don’t learn this until they are middle aged. But eventually you can’t keep putting love to the side. Also this isn’t a uniquely black american thing. I have many asian friends who have ran into this problem. They worked hard their whole lives. Studied hard. Then push comes to shove they have a hard time with relationships. I had a few friends who had their entire lives planned out… Read more »
I forgot to leave a comment…
Champ will be fine… I love it when BM have their pick of the litter, but call life at their own terms…
What women define as eligible is what they want after they have done their wh*ring & their beauty starts fading…
BM have dating struggles because they have been sold a bill of goods…
Once they get the right information about women… They will adjust…
Thanks for shedding light on a problem that has been ignored for a long time…
I am lucky enough to have a number of older male friends who are all married. Some advice they have all shared, “Don’t wait till you get all your own stuff set to then get married. If you have a good woman by your side then yall build together”. Seems like that is the hurdle many trip over now. Too busy trying to reach all their own ambition first and by the time they are ready to settle down the pickings are slim. The mates that best matched them have been snatched up by the people that were willing to… Read more »
exactly. Dude working on his PhD in the article and feeling all special is a coward and selfish. Too busy chasing money and status to build a real relationship with a girl that was worth it, and probly broke her heart and had her feeling like no matter how good she is men don’t want her anyway cause she got kicked to the curb! It’s all about me, me, me. People need to let go of being all about SELF and that is the major problem, focus on making one woman a priority in your life and learn to balance… Read more »
@EloquenceInc Co-sign on everything you wrote. I never believed that mess that black men were scarce or in limited supply no matter how many studies or anti-black family propaganda are forced down our throats. These black men just aren’t trying to get married or settled down because they WILL wait 10, 15, 20 years (hell some may wait 25!) for their stock to supposedly increase and they can snatch up that gorgeous trophy wife. I’m 36, been married and divorced, and I have dated or tend to meet many men in their late 30’s, 40’s and almost hitting 50 who… Read more »
@Eloquence & @StopWithTheBS I am AMAZED how you can forget how women have contributed to BM in this mode of perpetual singledom… 1. BW having kids with deadbeats… Keep in mind she chose these men to sleep with… 2. Overweight 3. Attitudinal/Confrontational 4. Wh*res, spending their dating prime sl*tting it up with men who have no intention of commitment… I don’t mind you calling men to the carpet… Just remember that women choose what they will & won’t from men… And men react to whatever works to get into your pants… I am happy that the Damon Young’s of the… Read more »
“So sad and both sexes are too blame, IMO, because of our inability to connect past the facade.” @Adonis What part of the above statement didn’t you understand? I think it CLEARLY states both sexes are to blame??? The funny thing is, your list makes BM as culpable as BW. Who are they having kids out of wedlock with??? Not each other! No men are walking around overweight and still dressing like they are in high school when they are 45??? Oh no, none of the BM I’ve ever met have attitudes or are in-your-face arrogant and confrontational if you… Read more »
I HAD HAD ONE CHILD AT 17 BY A DEADBEAT DAD..I VOWED TO NOT HAVE ANYMORE CHILDREN UNTIL I MEET MY FIANCE OR HUSBAND…IT WAS DIFFICULT BECAUSE I WAS VERY YOUNG, AND BASICALLY GREW UP WITH MY SON..HE IS A WONDERFUL YOUNG MAN..I HAVE GROWN TO BE A WOMAN TO REFUSES TO BE SLUTTY, SLEEPING AROUND, AND PREFER A MAN WHO CAN STIMULATE MY BODY THROUGH HIS INTELLECT, MORALS, AND HS VALUE SYSTEM……UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE BEEN SINGLE FOR A WHILE BECAUSE OF WHO I AM, AND WHAT I STAND FOR….WHEN THERE ARE OTHER BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO ARE NOT CONCERNED WITH… Read more »
From my stand point it depends on the circumstances. I’ve spent the last 5 years of my young adult life traveling the world. Sure I chose that path to get my degree, Inow have it, and my ambitions to see the world trump anything else. to be honest. People like myself don’t complain about the lack of long term relationship. I find the author to be a bit selfish. I have dated many women of many nationalities. I found that AFrican women are well awesome to date, but I found that black american women are also wholesome people to date.… Read more »
I think this is a good point. Im a lady and of mixed background (Jamaican/English/Irish), Ive dated both black and white. I had a GOOD man who was Columbian whilst at uni. I broke up with I’m because I felt like I needed to develop my own identity away from the relationship, I wasn’t mature enough for it I believe. I was also emotionally messed up from my childhood, so I went into the arms a Narcissist, that relationship taught me so much. I went on to date ALOT of guys. I am now 27. I sometimes think what if?… Read more »
Love the post! I honestly feel that if a man feels he does not have things “together” (ex. finances)….a serious relationship is put on hold.
I completely understand the guys who say they need to get their shit together. But how long does that take? The article quotes guys who are 20-something–that’s the age when you’re still trying to get your shit together lol (same for women). But how much shit are you trying to “get together” at age 34 and 35..or just over 30? The line has to be drawn somewhere. I personally am talking to a guy who is 25 and in school…he’s working towards something. I didn’t write him off because the guy seems to be headed somewhere and at least has… Read more »
When I was reading this article, I was thinking about “what if a couple builds together?” When my husband and I got together, I was 23 and a retail manger, he was 25 and a home inspector. Good enough for then. As we started building our family, our goals changed. I got my doctorate in pharmacy, he became a journeyman welder. It was difficult, but we did it by supporting each other. It’s possible. And before my sister reads this and knows it’s me, yes, he is white but that’s not the point. The point is, people are not always… Read more »
I’m more interested in this notion of “compatible match.” What does this look like for most guys? I’m very interested to know. Does “compatible” include a specific laundry list of needs and wants from a woman and those women lacking a minor few items from said list not being considered as potential mates? Maybe my own experience has made me skeptical that “compatible” does not really mean just that, but I continue to find it hard to believe that these brothers are struggling to find “compatible” mates. That being said, I also understand what it means to feel passed over… Read more »
I read this last week. Just getting ’round to commenting. I know a lot of guys in this same boat and while I know equally eligible women, it is not as simple as saying you are a good guy and she is a good women and make the match. This issue is just complex. I have dated a few good men (no Tom Cruise) but they just weren’t the good man for me. Sometimes I wish it were simpler but… *shrugs* It’s funny because I never thought much about the whole need to “have your stuff together” thing that Black… Read more »
This is a great article…I have been saying that there are plenty of good brothas out here that I just haven’t found yet for years now. I would say that a lot of women can’t see potenial that exists in our men quite frequently. That’s one reason why they discount good men when he could have been their perfect match, then get mad when Tyrone goes and gets with Becky because she wasn’t trippin that he worked at Walmart #GTFOH. I’m definately not saying that all sistas are like this at all but I do think that the fact that… Read more »
Sister, get real. No Becky is going out with Tyrone from Walmart.
White ladies seek high status black men. I’ve never seen a white woman with a working class black man in my life.
The vast majority of swirl goes on with 1.) Pro athletes. 2.) Guys making over 70K. 3.) Successful muscians/actors/entertainers. 4.) Really hardcore Afrocentric guys… (why do they always have white wives? This is hilarious to me.)
@Sara
If you have never seen a white woman with a working class black man you seriously need to get out more. Basically it sounds like you’re saying that a white women would not date a black man unless he has money GTFOH I know several BM that range from not having a job to having a goodjob that are with WW so you on that note…NEXT
Sarah, I think you may be looking at this from an urban perspective. In rural areas black communities mix with the surrounding communities all the time. I grew up in WV where there are (surprisingly) a lot of small black communities. 2 of my brothers (both blue collar) date and married white women b/c honestly all black families were raised together so dating them would be like dating a relative. I on the other hand left and now. I love DC. I’ve met tons of great guys here and probably keep the faith b/c I was raised with awesome brothers… Read more »
Brilliant Article,
I completely agree with this article. Being one of those 25 something guys (25 to be exact), I can attest to the difficulty in going after the type of woman you may want for fear of not being what they want. I think I find that what women say they want and what they really want are two different things. I usually end up (usually as in currently) dating women who approach me and have stopped approaching women just because you at least know for sure that the girl is interested. Then the women I initially approached start asking why… Read more »
Why are women who approach you ‘easy’?
THIS RIGHT HERE is why women will never ask men out.
Proof.
I identify with this article. There are single, eligible black men out there who are hopeless in the dating world. I’m one of them (25ish, black, good job, educated). I’ve seen comments on this article and have noticed a lot of black women expressing thier insecurities with finding an eliglible mate. I would suggest to look in different places because guys like this exist and would love to meet you, they just don’t know how sometimes. The more we discuss ways to fix these issues, instead of reasons why they don’t exist, the happier/less bitter we’ll be.
Exactly. Both men and women get caught up in playing the blame game too much.
Step One. Move to a city. Step Two. Lower your expection from Nia Long. She is outta your league. Step Three. Be employed, maintain hygeine, and leave the house. … Profit. Seriously. I don’t understand how black guys can be SO utterly out numbered and yet still not find a woman. Seriously… you must have effed up standards or some type of anti-social mental thing that drives people away like Asbergers. I think ‘commitment’ is a scary word for most brothas… because there are so many sayings that go like, “only thing better than p*ssy is new p*ssy” or “why… Read more »
Aspergers
Your reply doesn’t display a lot of understanding. Your lack of sympathy seems a bit combative. The fact that the eligilble, black, male, and hopelessly single person exists isn’t debatable. It’s a fact. In my case, my job requires me to move around a lot which makes it hard to create and maintain relationships with anyone. I know for a fact that my situation isn’t the only situation where black men can find themselves involuntarily single. It doesn’t really make sense to me why you and other people would just write off the fact that there are men in this… Read more »
The previous comment was at Sara.
I’m pretty far on the outside of this looking in, so this is all outside curiosity. I’m a little amazed that the issue of racism hasn’t really come up yet in this debate. I’m not sure racism really does have a role to play in the frustrated dating lives of African American men, but I can see how it could. Men are subject to a lot of stereotyping by women and by other men, and surely there are some powerful stereotypes or assumptions about black men in particular out there that must be pretty big obstacles for them. Many people… Read more »
That isn’t “institutional racism”! Many black men choose to be unemployed and live off welfare. Why aren’t they responsible for their own failures to hold jobs?
I think the author misses a big, huge, obvious point: what men say and what men do are not always the same thing. Just because a man says he is looking for his Michelle Obama or whatever, doesn’t mean that his actions do anything toward that end. In fact, if you asked them, say… a choice… between an evening with MObama or, say, Kim Kardashian… Kim will win every time. If you want a woman… but then you dump her to make more money, you weren’t really all that interested in being with her for the long haul. There is… Read more »
OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? I went to the author’s website and found this really interesting tidbit: “And let’s be real…considering its a buyers market out here for men, if we thought we’d be better off with you, we’d stay. But we don’t so we…don’t.” (Article: Dodging bullets with Beyonce.) It goes on further to say, “I guess I just wonder if that’s what women really do to make each other feel better? Just tell their friends that the dudes life sucks without them? What liars. No wonder so many women are ready to stab their exes when they… Read more »
Sara,
Just wanted to let you know that the paragraphs quoted in your comment were written by Panama Jackson — the other founding member of VerySmartBrothas.com — not me. I write under the pseudonym “The Champ” there.
We’re both, um, very smart brothas, but we’re not the same person.
I know you are not, but he is telling the ugly truth whereas you are fluffing up some old excuses that just aren’t the reality.
If a truly eligible black man (not in jail, no baby mommas hanging around) is single… it is because he wants to be… and he wants to be, because he has plenty of opportunity for sex and companionship without having to make a commitment. That is the truth of it.
If you are 1 to 170,000 in prime urban areas… and you can’t find a “main squeeze” or “old lady”… the problem is YOU.
AMEN, SARA! PREACH!