The elections are over. In spite of ongoing protests, the 2017-2020 White House is shaping up. Life in the Washington Metropolitan area is getting back to a “new normal.” In the midst of all the chaos and economic unknowns, men are still dating. Men over 40 in particular with their eyes on the bottom line have their challenges.
I had the incredible opportunity to speak with a 45-year-old, African-American man, divorced father of two and a retired Navy Chief about his dating challenges. For the sake of this post, I will call him Mr. Chief. Mr. Chief has traveled the world twice, visited 47 countries and five continents. So he has seen his share of women in various cultures and at different stages of his life, even dated a few. However, he’s still single.
He remains active even in retirement. He maintains his daily workout regime and has an active social life. So he isn’t one that would necessarily be at home on a Friday night with nothing to do. He meets women wherever he is, but with his active lifestyle, his challenges revolve around what age group to date. Each age group has its concerns, and we took the time to review each of them.
Younger women (aged 28-35): Does he want to be a Manther; an older man that preys on younger women? Since Mr. Chief is active, the idea of dating younger women is appealing because of their youthfulness. In his experience, they are typically as active as he is with an adventuresome spirit. High energy. Sexually zealous and as concerned with physical health and appearance.
It all looks and sounds good but then the flip side. There are some generational hindrances. Music. Lifestyle. Children, etc. While he may be listening to jazz, she is more interested in the latest hip-hop release. He is more bit settled being a divorced father of two that has completed one career and embarking on a second. Probably most importantly, although Mr. Chief doesn’t want any more children, he is willing to be a bonus Dad.
Middle-aged women (aged 36-49): Does he want to be in a long-term committed relationship? The pros of Mr. Chief dating women more closely aligned to his age have been similar values and goals. More partnership-minded. Just as adventuresome and sexually astute. Living a balanced lifestyle with physical and financial health; i.e. retirement on the horizon. Having additional children has been negotiable. Caring for one another while caring for children and aging parents. More compromising and a fifty-fifty arrangement as much as possible.
The cons haven’t been as extreme. The familiar pattern is the women wanted either a committed relationship or they didn’t. Blending families is a hurdle. Both of them set in their ways and negotiating happy mediums.
Older women (aged 50-up): Does he want to be Boy Toy or Maintenance Man? Mr. Chief saw the advantages of dating an older woman are established and as interested in the fiscal bottom-line. They aren’t interested in building a life with someone. The priority is typically companionship; travel partner, sounding board, and confidante when it comes to caring for elderly parents or enjoying grandchildren. Enjoying the fruits of their labor and their sunset years.
Can you hear the violins playing in the background? But there are some sour notes. For example, unlike the younger women, some were not as adventuresome. Sex often was more of a chore than a pleasure. He encountered being treated more like an adult child, being told what to do, as opposed to an equal partner. Also, there were some age-related health challenges.
On the other hand, some of the older women he dated only wanted a maintenance man or sex on demand. Which doesn’t sound like a problem until he realized he wanted more.; commitment, partnership, etc.
After asking some critical questions, reviewing his experiences over the years and drawing conclusions he’s decided that middle-aged is the way to go for him.
Male Call: Patience. Don’t rush to make a decision only because we don’t want to grow old alone. Dating over 40 is challenging but certainly not the end of the world.
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Photo: Getty Images
L.T.Lewis “Older women (aged 50-up): Does he want to be Boy Toy or Maintenance Man? ………….. They aren’t interested in building a life with someone. ” How can anyone say and think that women 50+ are not interested in building a life with someone ? They know they might live yet another 50 years…so here she ( or he ) lump together a group aged 51-110 And I do not understand what she means when she use the word Maintenance Man. And I don’t want to look it up. It sounds terrible. What L.T.Lewis tell us here is that women… Read more »
Hello Iben.. I agree with you here. The author seems to think these age groups are mutually exclusive in terms of behavior. As you indicated, just because a woman is over 50 does not mean she has essentially given up on love and romance. “And I do not understand what she means when she use the word Maintenance Man.” This is a term used by by Black people that refers to a man who is used for sex. He is strictly used to meet or maintain a woman’s sexual needs. Btw Iben did you know that one of your comments… Read more »
Hi Jules
Yes I saw it 🙂
Thanks to your good question.
And I wonder what nations would be among the top ten of those with high gender equality if the index included data about how sexually satisfied and fullfilled. both sexes feel.
They should include this important part of our life when they measure equality.
Well, age is just a number in a relationship. In terms of age difference for your choice of partner, there is a common formula that says “halve-your-age-plus-seven” to determine the youngest age of any lady you can date. It means if your age is 36, you can date at least a 25-year old lady. It is not a rule for age gap relationships though, but some men could just be shy and wouldn’t want to look creepy going after someone much younger than they are. But there is nothing wrong having such a gap in your age preference if you… Read more »
“Well, age is just a number in a relationship.”
Very naive thinking..
I always thought that equation to the youngest you can date was dumb. It says a lot about someone trying to figure out the youngest they can date without looking like a creep. If you are already thinking that way, you are already there. A 36 year old dating a 25 year old is a little bit yuck already. And while I agree there is nothing wrong with age gap relationships for that alone, many men act like they are entitled to it and allow themselves to be more open to it when they could connect with women their own… Read more »
Older men dating younger women “In terms of age difference for your choice of partner, there is a common formula that says “halve-your-age-plus-seven” to determine the youngest age of any lady you can date. It means if your age is 36, you can date at least a 25-year old lady. ” A 36 year old man is 11 years older than a woman at 25. If he look for a partner for life,he should know that this woman he choose will most probable have art least 11+7 years as a widow after his death since men tend to live 7… Read more »
Maybe the key is to stop shopping for women based on their ages, and already creating preconceived perspectives about us because of what information he thinks are ages relay; he could actually date in a more authentic, open-hearted way by being open minded to all different kinds of women. I will hear men say things like, “age doesn’t matter”, when what they really mean is that he doesn’t think *his* age should matter to younger women. Too many men are closed off to love with women their own age or older even though they could make a connection just as… Read more »