Creating a positive environment for your kids, post-divorce, is one of the greatest gifts you can give.
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One of the biggest victims of divorce and remarriage is your children. The trauma of seeing a home split apart and the transition of having a new “parent” can have life-long ramifications. However, if you prepare yourself properly, you can create a healthier experience for you and your children.
- Include the kids- When you remarry, you are not just getting a new spouse but new children. It is crucial to build a rapport with your step-children from the beginning. This means that even during dating, it is imperative to get to know them and be aware of what you are getting yourself into. If you have children of your own, it is also important that they feel comfortable about their future step-parent and step-siblings. Sharing parents and belongings is not easy.
- Communicate- If you have been divorced, you know that marriage is not always smooth sailing. While you think you have found the right one this time the odds are that you will have your own challenges. Blending a family and raising someone else’s kids will add to the stress and can break a relationship apart, even if you think you get along well with your spouse. Making sure your marriage is healthy and that you have the skills to communicate about the challenges you face is key to successfully blending your family. It is important that you can be on the same page so as to present a united front to your children. This will help you parent more effectively.
- Have fun- Bonding experiences are crucial to build relationships between step-parents and children and between step-siblings. Make it a point to have family outings and trips so that you can share lighter moments together. Although the kids may be reluctant to interact with you at first, when you have fun together they will more likely open up and become comfortable with the new arrangement sooner.
- Extended family- It is always tricky juggling custody issues with your ex-spouse as well as grandparents. Do your best to maintain a balance and a sense of fairness. Your biological children may receive gifts from their grandparents but your step-children are neglected. Your own parents may favor their biological grandchildren. In your aim to create a new blended family, it’s important to be aware that there will be outside factors that may disrupt the harmony. Expect them and plan how to work out whatever is in your control.
- Be Patient- It takes time to successfully blend a family. Don’t pressure the children. If they don’t want to call you Mom or Dad, don’t take it personally. They have their own biological parent whom they love and they didn’t ask for their parents to get divorced. Have compassion for them and don’t have too many expectations, beyond basic respect. Stay positive and realize that time itself is an important factor.
Blending a family can be quite a challenge but it is doable if you make your children’s well-being a priority. If you become aware of the various issues you are likely to face, learn how to communicate about them together as a couple, and have the patience to allow for all parties to become comfortable with each other, a typically rocky transition can become a seamless blend.
If you have a blended family and would like to learn how to build a strong relationship with your spouse download your free sample chapters of Rabbi Slatkin’s new book, The Five Step Action Plan to a Healthy & Happy Marriage
By Rabbi Slatkin
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Picture: Flickr/ChippyCC