Bryan Reeves finds something deeply inspiring about a woman who knows just what to say to bring out the best in him.
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I know what you’re thinking.
But no.
“Let’s have sex” … These are actually NOT the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man. They might be the most instantly sex-inducing words she can say, but they’re not the sexiest. Sexy is about way more than sex.
Also, if you read my recent article, The Sexiest 3 Words a Man Can Say to a Woman, you might infer that these are the three sexiest words a woman can say to a man: “You get this.”
But no.
Men don’t typically find it sexy to be ordered around by an intimate partner. Most women don’t find a man who will follow their orders very sexy, either. After all, there’s nothing sexy about a doormat, or walking on one. (Dominatrixing is outside the scope of this exploration.)
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The three words I’m talking about can quickly flood his spinal cord with backbone fluid, snap his shoulders square, and unfurl his superman cape.
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The three words I’m talking about—whether she whispers them in his ear or writes them in sharpie on a pizza box top and subtly pushes them into his view—can quickly flood his spinal cord with backbone fluid, snap his shoulders square, and unfurl his superman cape. They’re so potent that a man freshly armed with these words may suddenly find himself inspired to leap tall buildings in a single bound and rescue kittens from trees. They definitely inspire him to show up for her, whatever that looks like in the moment.
These three words make him feel deeply sexy.
These three words make everyone feel sexy.
For when he truly receives them, they trigger his primal masculinity, strengthening him with resolve, deepening his commitment to purpose. For her to authentically offer them, she must allow herself to relax and surrender ambition to control how this moment flows, which is enlivening to her sensual feminine essence.
With these three words, she is essentially saying, “I know you’ve got this.”
The three sexiest words a woman can say to a man are:
“I trust you.”
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“I don’t trust you.”
My last serious relationship had core problems around trust. For five years, I ached for her trust in me, but she would never fully offer it. She never admitted this, but she was still angry over her ex-husband’s sexual betrayal, and I was paying the price. In fairness, though, I wasn’t yet a man fully worthy of her trust. Early in our relationship, before we had even agreed on being monogamous, she caught me in a lie which antagonized her betrayal wound. My lie set fire to her toxic waste pond.
Disregarding what would soon become a raging hellfire, we moved in together.
Since we’re talking sexy here, I’ll share that we had exquisite sex. Lots of it. Delicious physical pleasure. Truly. Lots.
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She gave me her body during sex, but often withheld her true heart. She didn’t feel emotionally safe with me, so she rarely offered the immense love inside her that ached for expression in our relationship.
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But without trust, neither one of us allowed ourselves to be truly vulnerable with each other. Neither of us felt safe to surrender to the blissful exchange of love energy that flows between two people in a healthy intimacy, which requires vulnerability.
She gave me her body during sex, but often withheld her true heart. She didn’t feel emotionally safe with me, so she rarely offered the immense love inside her that ached for expression in our relationship.
We looked sexy together on the outside, and we had physical pleasure, but we felt awful in our depths.
“True sexy” arises from a person’s depths.
True sexy is about being deeply empowered in your entire being; it’s about moving through the world connected and aligned to your deepest truth. Stepping fully into the brilliance of you who are, mind, body, heart and soul, in this very moment. As a very sexy friend of mine wrote recently on my Facebook wall, “I feel sexiest when I am living who I really am.”
In my relationship, we did not feel safe to give the gift of our true selves to each other. She was persistently afraid I would abandon her, so she held back the gift of her trust and her full love. I was persistently frustrated by her attempts to control me, so I resisted completely cherishing her and showing up for her in countless ways.
Resentment seethed during the 23 hours a day when we weren’t having sex. We were often either dodging blame or flinging it at each other like monkey feces.
It was not a sexy experience.
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| These three words can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good. They inspire him to not let her down. Every man wants to make his woman proud of him. |
When a woman trusts a man, she’s trusting in the gift of his masculinity to protect and provide strength and effective direction in this moment. She is letting go of worry, allowing herself to open and soften any walls around her sensual, feeling heart. She melts into vulnerability and offers the expression of her true self in this moment.
To be told, “I trust you,” by a woman is to be told, “I trust that you will hold me and everything I care about as infinitely precious; that you will act to protect and cherish my life, my heart, as well as the lives and hearts of those I care about: my children, my mothers and my sisters, too, for our hearts are all one. I also trust that you will be a place of steadfast strength I can anchor to when I might otherwise be overcome by the turbulent winds of this ever-changing moment. I offer my real self to you, relaxed and vulnerable, confident that your best self will keep me safe as I do.”
Or something like that.
A woman’s willingness to be her true, unguarded self is an essential aspect of her feminine gift, for her femininity shines through when she relaxes into herself. Whether the warm glow emanating from her lit-up eyes, the sensual swing in her confident step or the raw unbridled truth in her authentic sharing, her femininity is wildly attractive to many men. It even compels men to step deeper into their own innate masculinity.
In other words, these three words can inspire a man to claim his birthright as a responsible, loving, ethical being who champions all life and passionately serves the greater good.
They inspire him to not let her down. And every man wants to make his woman proud of him.
Imagine a world in which all men are genuinely worthy of any woman’s trust.
Damn, that would be one sexy planet!
“I trust you.”
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Originally appeared on ThisWildWakingJourney
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—Photo by pabak / flickr
Caí de paraquedas aqui nessa postagem, mas gostei bastante do que vi.
Obrigada você não sabe o quanto me ajudou
Are you sure these are just the words that carry so much weigh ?
Great tips, I liked the article, really need to be a confident man to seduce a woman. I have heard a lot of the phrase > I fear the girl I’m dating, now I don’t know if she really feels this feeling.
Very good article, I have learned a lot about seduction, and it is not easy to understand the female psyche, but once you understand what works things become easier.
“Let’s Play Fifa
“I will pay”
I kid I kid
I want you. Not need. Want. That’ll do it.
Protection, strength, direction, and disposability. That’s what any man is supposed to live up to, in contrast to any woman’s wishy-washy flimsiness.
Man-box. You fit it squarely.
This doesn’t work for me at all. To my experience, “Let’s have sex” means “I trust you.” Women, generally speaking, are known for being very protective of their bodies. When a woman says “Let’s have sex,” she means that she trusts you with her body. When a woman says “I trust you,” though, that could mean anything, including: “I trust you to not want me sexually,” which is an extraordinary turn-off.
Additional note — “I trust you” are often the MOST DISAPPOINTING words that a man can hear, much like “Let’s Just Be Friends.” It so often means, “I trust that you won’t try to sexually take advantage of me.”
“Let’s have sex” never disappoints, to my experience.
I’m a woman and I totally disagree that “Let’s have sex,” means “I trust you.” Wonder what gave you the idea. Funny.
Truly an amazing article. If you have ever been in love this
definitely rings true. And the part about being true to yourself is spot on.
Thanks!
Doesnt do much for me.
Better words would be ‘I admire you’ or ‘I want you’ or ‘I like you’.
‘I trust you’, well, yeah, you better otherwise whats the point. That doesnt mean you like me find me attractive or want to be my intimate partner…
Great read. Although it goes both ways, I definatly related to this article, and thought it offers an excellent perspective on the importance of trust. Thanks for sharing.
Hmm. I think trust needs to be earned, though of course each person needs to do his or her own healing. Some people don’t inspire trust by being judgemental, critical or sanctimonious, for example, which doesn’t really allow the other person to be unguarded or vulnerable. So I don’t know if those are the sexiest words in any relationship…. But, good try. 🙂 And, of course, trust IS essential to any healthy, functioning relationship!
I believe trust is given. It’s not something we can actually “earn.” For I can do everything “right” and prove myself trustworthy to the average person, but if you have been so severely hurt that you don’t believe what you’re seeing, you won’t give me your trust.
I loved your blog The Three Sexiest Words a Man Can Say to a Woman, I thought you were dead on. I’m thinking you got it right on this one too. I see it as a difficult one though in that so many people have baggage that they just can’t seem to shake. The men in my life are really good men and I know that each of them would love to know that they are trusted. Thank you, you gave me something to think about. This was a really good read.
To me, it feels like more of the same catering business we see often and then more often. The previous three words focused on how to cater to my needs, these three words again focus how to cater to my needs – we’ve established that the male catering business is alive and kicking – protector and protected. Trust develops over time and must be mutual and equally proportional. It simply does not work unilaterally. It is one of those common understandings that is best left untarnished by words, and left to be realized and felt by deeds. At a base… Read more »
Context is obviously important. If he simply sent you a text that said “I got this.” … you’d wonder WTF he was talking about. Context is essential.
I know Bryan – that’s actually my point
I’m pretty sure “let’s have sex” isn’t innately unsexy nor unnecessarily bossy or domineering. In fact, it can be cheeky and all kinds of things in the right scenario. I guess the point was to challenge the idea that the sexiest thing women and men can share together is sex when it’s far more complex than that. Things like real intimacy are what makes sex sexiest.
yes for sure. I was merely heading off the obvious high-school mentality response to my title. in reality, ANY 3 words can be sexy in the right context, and delivered just the right way. saying “egyptian throw rug” could be super-sexy at just the right moment : )
Wow, made me cry – I’d love to say that , I’m a bit of David Deida fan and all my relationships are with good men but I’m seen as a partner – ” have to earn the trust too” sort of thing – which is right as far as it goes but one time where he’d take the lead or offer to protect like this – a real “I got this” rather than “I’ll get this bit if you get that bit” – would be my hearts desire, I don’t know many people (not just men) who are prepared… Read more »
Hmmm, I feel resentful that my (as a woman) being vulnerable in a relationship enables my partner to feel more of a “man”. It’s a tragedy that masculinity is predicated on women’s vulnerability and this article seems to validate that idea. I do find though this is actually pretty true – a past, and very toxic relationship, saw my ex get an erection when i showed my softer side and cried which I found wholly innappropriate and convinced me that for the relationship to work i needed to be passive and subordinate to make him feel like a “man”. I… Read more »
The problem is, you can’t just magically “have trust.” Theorema, I DO think that the “trust and verify” option is a good choice. This is exactly what builds trust! Each time you verify and it turns out fine, then at some point you can stop verifying because you know–you trust–that it is what the other person said it is. If you don’t verify things that you are suspicious about, then you can be wildly deceived and then REALLY be hurt, but if you do verify and find out there’s a problem, then you can make decisions based on that knowledge.… Read more »
Why is it always about men earning women’s trust? Women need to be trustworthy as well.
Yup
Because society often places women on a pedestal in relationships and expects men to do things for a woman, instead of a 2 way street.
“Imagine a world in which all men are genuinely worthy of any woman’s trust. ”
Shouldn’t women be worthy of men’s trust as well?
… I… guess…?
And I guess hermaphrodites should be worthy os men and women’s trust as well, how dare you forget about them! You should always mention ALL the ways trust can go between the genders and sexes and in-betweeinies!
Please.
A good choice! But it needs to come from the heart. And that’s where the whole dilemma of trust starts. I have seen it from the other side (trusting my girlfriend). I know that I was supposed to trust her totally, as in “I got this thing, you got that thing.”, but there were instances where my instinct told me that in all likelihood she would mess the thing up. And I checked and found she had indeed messed it up. And I felt bad because I ought to have trusted her, but was vindicated in not trusting her. “Trust,… Read more »
I would say that trust is built over time, by small instances of it being justified. When you’re new to a relationship, or if you’ve had trust issues in the past, then you don’t yet completely trust each other, so you verify. (Personally, I tend to verify openly – just say, alright, I’ll check in later and see what you’ve done – rather than saying “it’s fine I trust you” and then going behind the person’s back. For me that’s part of building trust.) Once you’ve had time to create more complete trust, you can stop verifying because the person… Read more »
You know what is it? Trust is trust. If someone wants to cheat on you with a purpose, there is nothing in this world can stop them. Why should we worry about it? If she cheats on you, she simply made a choice and all you gotta do is make your own choice. What important is let the person feel free to do whatever they want and don’t worry about the things that are not under your control. Can you trust the price of the gas? If it changes overnight, do you get upset or mad or sad? Of course… Read more »
I read this, and your other article about the sexiest words a man can say, and frankly, you’re oversimplifying badly.It’s clear that you find more passive, dependent women sexy, and that’s a legitimate preference. As a result that you gravitate towards women who find your “protection” sexy. That’s fine, and there’s nothing wrong with either of you for that. But that’s you and your partners, not all women and all men. You try to clarify this my saying this is less about men and women and more about “masculine and feminine energy.” This is, in a word, bullshit. First, your… Read more »
Wow, Rhianon. You sed exactly what I was thinking yet–more eloquently. I’da jus calld him out as another ‘mangina’ insincere ass-kisser, even tho I do like his points about ‘trust’. Trust is a staple of any healthy relationship, &, I’ve experienced the exact same issues with most of the women I’ve dated. Thy (often) are only ‘going-thru-the-motions’ & are not really committed to the relationship or the cause. They’re more concerned with their ‘career’ & their ‘independence’, than being there for ‘us’. Our world is doomed. Happy future!
Agreed Rhianon!!! I was actually surprised that this was on this site as nearly all the articles are from a more inclusive viewpoint of various relationships and not generalizing to the extreme, especially when that generalization is harmful by promoting masculine and feminine arch-types that are socially indoctrinated and in my opinion not “innate” as the author posits. For example, is it not also a common occurrence in both humans and animals to encounter women protecting their young? It also fails to note that not every person is good at everything and therefore it is not always appropriate to let… Read more »
I actually do not find “passive dependent women sexy” as you put it. What I do find sexy is the delicious polarity that results from the energy exchange between masculine and feminine dynamics in a relationship. What I do not find sexy – in fact what countless people are discovering is not at all sexy – is when two people compete for the same energetic roles (masculine or feminine) in the relationship, or they play the energetic roles that aren’t true to their innate essence. That’s what I write about. I find it much easier for the sake of writing… Read more »
1. By characterising them as masculine and feminine, you are identifying them with specific genders, and pretending otherwise is simply dishonest. 2. claiming that there are two rigid “roles” within a relationship and one person has to occupy each indicates an overly rigid, simplistic perception of relationships. I could try to explain this further if you wish, but I genuinely doubt you would either listen or understand. 3. I think by this point, it’s apparent to everyone reading that you think your opinion is universally applicable, so you needn’t repeat it. I think by this point it’s equally apparent that… Read more »
1. I read feminine and masculine as yin and yang. You know, they don’t belong to any gender/sex, as both fenders/sex have them. Sure, not everyone believe in “energy” or classifying behaviors, saying they belong to A or B group.
1. You’re correct in that I am to some degree overlaying these masculine/feminine characteristics on gender – though again I’ve intentionally and clearly acknowledged the inadequacy of numerous times. That’s the approach that really works for me today. I accept that that’s just not adequate for you. 2. I don’t claim “rigid roles.” I write 1000 word articles in which I can’t possibly account for every single perspective and possibility. When I work with people in my actual coaching practice, sometimes a woman genuinely wants to take the more masculine role in the dynamic (whether with a man or another… Read more »
…she caught me in a lie which antagonized her betrayal wound… Why did you lie to her?!? How can she “trust” after that? I am trying to understand the man who I “loved”…
Why did I lie? Same reason anyone lies: I was afraid of not having what I wanted, or losing what I thought I now had. I was afraid she wouldn’t love me if I told her the full truth of “me.” That’s why I lied. I was scared to be “real” with her. Biggest mistake I ever made. She couldn’t forgive me for that, and I wasn’t fully ready to be my true self with her, anyway. I’ve written a whole book about it … coming soon : ) if you’re interested, you can follow my blog at http://www.ThisWildWakingJourney.com where… Read more »
??????? Loved this article. I’m a woman. I started applying trust, unconditional respect, and love to a new situation that I am in with a man I actually dated 4 years back. 4 years ago, we were so immature that we wrecked the relationship. Now, we are in much better places. Anyway, I wanted to confirm that when I make it a point to tell him I trust him and I expose my vulnerabilities, an amazing thing happens. The Sparks fly. In a great way. He relaxes. He gains confidence. His words are full of peace and not questions. He… Read more »
What a beautiful piece Bryan. I am curious how men will respond to your piece.
Erin,
If you scratch the surface a little bit, the article is loaded with some pretty serious conservative presumptions about men and women and their roles in a relationship.
What do you really think of those?
I agree this has a bit of a caveman and conquest undertone.. And it worries me this guy seeks the validation of trust and seems to demand that “his woman” abandon herself into it in spite if confessing he has lied and done so in ways that trigger deep set insecurities. Doubt tends to be present for a reason. Trust is something that must be earned and built moment by moment.
I’d rather hear I love you. Love should have trust. But then 3 words can’t describe the sexiest feelings alive, actions can show it though.