Personally, I’ve always found it hard to make a decision to break up with someone. I haven’t been in many relationships, and my first relationship lasted for 14 years of which 7 years were of marriage.
I always believed that love would conquer all. That as long as we loved each other, we would be able to face the world together. Little did I know that sometimes, the most loving thing to do is to let go.
Why breaking up can be a difficult decision
When I was younger, I used to think that it was mostly about honest communication and not giving up. I would often insist on talking with my partner about our issues, and yet we were never really solving them.
Eventually, I blamed myself. Maybe I was too emotional, too needy, and if I really loved him I would have accepted him for who he was.
And yet through the years, I’ve felt increasingly unhappy. Something within me was signaling that something was missing.
I’ve wondered if we needed more romance. My partner, contrary to my more expressive, spontaneous and creative nature, was more down-to-earth, practical and routine-oriented.
We loved each other dearly. Even after years, we would always smile when coming home to each other. But intimacy faded away, as part of my aliveness, even if we were still each other’s companion and friend.
Everything eventually crumbled down and we couldn’t be together anymore.
After our divorce, I learned a lot about relationships and masculine/feminine polarity and understood why we never worked out.
Neither of us knew how to grow individually, as we never learned about personal development and inner work. And neither of us knew how to grow as a couple as we didn’t know how relationship dynamics really work.
When we don’t understand ourselves, we can’t bring the best version of ourselves into the relationship. Rather, we clash and trigger each other, while being unable to perceive the unhealthy patterns and emotional blockages each of us brings into the interactions.
I blamed myself for being too emotional and needy, just to realize how my intuition has been telling me all along that what was missing was the emotional connection due to our differences, clashes and blockages.
And because we weren’t familiar with how to properly take care of relationships, we couldn’t properly foster a safe space for each other, and our masculine/feminine polarity was also reversed, leading to the loss of attraction and fulfillment.
How to have better relationships
For many of us, we grew up without learning anything about personal development and how to work on relationships. We would just get into situations without a real sense of direction, and romanticize how things would work out if they are meant to be.
But having better relationships is not something out of our reach. There are two major requirements: to work on ourselves, so that we can be healthy individuals in our interactions, and to learn about relationship dynamics, so that we can have more harmony while fostering attraction through polarity.
Working on ourselves requires going to places that make us feel uncomfortable.
It means facing our shadows and traumas, so that we can free ourselves from toxic patterns we often don’t even realize are there.
When we are able to do the inner work, not only we will attract healthier relationships, but we can also improve existing ones and grow together.
I also came to understand more about my needs, which helped me realize what kind of relationships I really need.
When breaking up is the most loving act
Sometimes, despite our best intention and efforts, we simply don’t have the capacity to make a relationship work.
As humans, we are ever-growing and ever-changing. We have flaws, as well as many things to learn, and our life goals and circumstances can change.
Whenever I looked back, I wondered how I would have been able to improve my past relationship with my current state and knowledge. But back then, I still did my best given the circumstances.
Even by giving our best, and even when we loved each other dearly, we still couldn’t avoid the deterioration of our marriage. Day by day, our love would get muddied by all the conflicts, misunderstandings and hurt.
Eventually, we had to make the difficult decision as it was not sustainable anymore.
When we made the vows, we made it with all of our hearts. That we would love each other, and be with each other for better or worse.
But I’ve realized how divorce was the only way to save our love, from the poisonous resentment that grew day by day.
Sometimes, the only way to still save our love is to not let it decay over time.
My current perspective on relationships
Even after having my heart broken, I still do believe in love. I still believe that it’s possible to have a long-lasting relationship, as long as a couple keeps on growing together as individuals, and as we take care of the relationship.
I also believe that letting go can be an act of love as sometimes, despite our best capacity and effort, we just don’t have enough learning nor resources to improve the current situation. We might also not have the best circumstances and compatibility at a given time of our lives.
And yet love is something that transcends time and labels. When we become intimate with someone, and come to love them as they are, even if we can´t see it sometimes due to our own baggage and blockages, this love becomes an unbreakable bond, shared between two kindred soulmates.
To me, intimacy and connection are some of the most precious things we can ever experience in a lifetime. To bare our souls naked in front of each other, even if temporarily, is one of the most beautiful things to witness.
Mónica Valverde is a daydreamer navigating the experience of human life. She’s in love with Spirituality, Inner Work and Relationships.
If you find this interesting, feel free to check out other related articles:
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Why Marriage Counseling Didn’t Work For Me And What I Wish I Knew
How to Heal From Resentment in Relationships
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Mónica Valverde(Author)