Flipping back and forth between the Democratic National Convention and The Bachelorette will convince you that most broken hearts look the same.
Grief shows up in the face. Just behind the eyes. First disbelief, then darkness—a sudden unmasking. As if the ship of the soul crashes on rocks, or in Chase’s case, as if a monkey suddenly wretches.
For Bernie supporters there was rocking and weeping. All lovesick faces have a visage that blares: “This can’t be real. This can’t be happening.” When Sanders addressed his booing delegation early Monday he had to remind them that they were living in the “real world.”
Meanwhile, Luke was busy surviving a similar disconnect.
“This is not supposed to be happening,” he intoned after JoJo let him go. Then, “I had no clue,” and “I thought magic was real.” Oh Luke, you dashing bow-legged fantasist. You’ve seen war in Afghanistan, but nothing prepared you for that limo ride away from the set of Casablanca.
Raise your hand if you’ve suffered heartbreak—great, that’s all of you
How many of us have managed to avoid Luke’s fate? Who here hasn’t been blindsided by lost love—or a gut-wrenching election? Remember when you actually believed in politics? How old were you when you finally let go of the potential for magic? I remember my own first demolition: my Jesse Jackson bulletin board got vandalized. Torn and covered in slurs. And all my disbelief when none of my high school teachers even cared.
Bachelor Nation, however immature, are, no doubt, expert copers. They’ve invested in a show with the lowest of stakes. They watch love emerge then die, like so many fruit flies, season after season. And whether your first betrayal was the truth about Santa or whatever other induction you had into “the ways of the world.” There is at least something firm and familiar in all these harrowing limo rides away from the scene of the crime. It hurts to suddenly realize that you didn’t get the memo about the real world at all.
How to kick Chase in the nuts
The demise of Luke was tiddily-winks compared to the skewering of Chase. That is how Chase described it. He jumped over an enormous emotional hurdle. He bespoke the “scariest phrase” in the history of the world (“I love you.”) And then he was immediately skewered.
Then kicked in the nuts.
After the removal of pants. Then he flatly stated that he was embarrassed and heartbroken.
Chase is a succinct dude. He speaks with the flair of a young Keanu, circa Bill and Ted’s, all naiveté and wonder. He had previously described Thailand as a “magical place with monkeys, fisherman, saltwater and fish.” Beautiful, simplistic, likely a statement filled with truth. Earlier Chase was giddy with love, going so far as to pick up a dead fish and kiss it. All for JoJo’s amusement. A droplet of dead fish “perspiration” plunged to the fabric of Chase’s V-neck tee. Right at JoJo’s nose-level. It was clear he was doomed. Happy, but doomed.
JoJo shows a consistent aversion to the line “I love you.” Alex mentioned it and was cut loose post haste. Luke interrupted the rose ceremony to make sure to state the phrase and was cut down not a minute later. But the swiftest ousting came when humble, doddering Chase finally said the words. JoJo got an instant case of nausea and stomach pain. She was so repulsed that she had to exit.
She left Chase alone in the “fantasy suite.” In this episode, all three suites seemed more like standard kings with a couple of votives and draped silks, but still, Chase was so ready to go for it. The moment he freefalled into total happiness was the exact right time for JoJo to get rolling with her rejection speech.
JoJo always cries as she kills. A lot. Chase kept trying to leave, the metaphorical equivalent of getting an ice pack for his skewered balls. But JoJo kept following him over the footbridges and paths of the Hua Hin Marriot, weeping all the way.
“None of this makes sense,” said Chase as he was finally rescued by the hotel van.
What to wear if you’re a dude: the answer is still khakis
Why did all three bachelors wear the exact same outfit to the rose ceremony? Duh. Fashion. Guys, if you are wondering what to wear to Thailand, Starbucks, or your local rose ceremony choose a blue chambray blouse and stretch khakis.
Some women buy the same sweater in two different colors because they like it so much. Others order the same Caesar salad at every luncheon. JoJo dates the same exact guy. Is there a difference between Robby and Jordan? One might have a longer beard and the other tighter pants. Neither seem sincere, both seem disingenuous. One has some kind of famous brother. The other interrupts JoJo’s date with Chase just to say “hi.”
At one point Jordan and Robby do a perfectly timed sweat wipe. They dab brows, then shove handkerchiefs back in pockets, as if synchronized swimmers.
On their dates, JoJo took Robby to a “crazy” market, and with Jordan she hiked to a temple.
And each guy got to go close the door to the Fantasy Suite—the last shot before the cameras are off. What shenanigans ensue? Probably sex, but usually euphemistically. Robby said that he would be dreaming “with” JoJo instead of dreaming “about” JoJo. The cameras return in the morning. It wasn’t exactly a commercial for Marriot suites, but it was okay. Someone had delivered several plates of breakfast to the foot of the bed.
The morning after with Jordan consisted of him saying, “It was just what I needed.” A resounding endorsement. Still JoJo doesn’t know what life with Jordan will bring because he might be “too good to be true.”
Did JoJo let all the good ones get away already?
Oh JoJo. Jordan is definitely not too good to be true. Even with that perfect coif. Tread carefully. The Bachelorette’s subtitle has always been: How to Watch a Woman Make Mistakes. Substitute “nation” for “woman” and you’ve got a history textbook. We cannot blame her. We will not blame her.
Why shouldn’t she get caught up in the glow and the pageantry? The pomp and the glitter?
Who wasn’t watching TV last night glued to the drama and the promise? “What will the next year bring?” JoJo asked Jordan. Wouldn’t we all just love to know? Love or heartbreak? Hope? Or a swift kick in the nuts? With our pants down?
Forget JoJo. What happens if America picks the wrong guy?
Photo: Getty Images
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