Kicked in corridors and spat on: this was the kind of behavior dismissed as ‘banter.’
This was previously published on intercourse with biscuits.
My mum went to the school. I was 15 years old and nearing the end of five years of bullying. Kicked in corridors, spat on, verbally abused daily. The latest issue was boys bandying about “gay” as a slur.
I’m not gay but it rightly offended me to hear them spitting out those slurs with impunity. I was punished by the deputy headmaster, a moustachioed sergeant-major-type, for wearing the wrong kind of coat. The bullies suffered no sanctions whatsoever for being hateful on an almost hourly basis. They played sport and wore the right shoes.
This is the terror of banter. It was banter that fuelled the pathetic Unilad website. It’s banter that turns sports teams and societies in universities into sources of sanctioned abuse. Banter has been with us for many years. When my mum told the teacher that those boys were using homophobic abuse as a regular part of their daily interactions he smiled and told her: “Boys will be boys. It’s just … banter.”
I had to ‘toughen up’ because I didn’t think that fostering that kind of atmosphere was appropriate. It’s all banter until someone dies. And they do die. Driven to killing themselves by “banter,”, driven to hurting themselves by “banter.” Banter is often a flag of convenience for vicious, hateful words.
And if you’re an adult who utters the old saw, “kids can be cruel,” you’re a coward and guilty of moral weakness. Kids can be cruel, it’s true, but adults have a responsibility to do something about it. Schools are not meant to be Darwinian test tubes to see which children can survive the taunts.
There’s a new film out called Bully. It’s been slapped with a R-rating in the US which means the very kids that should see it will not technically be able to. It needs to be seen. The effects of the insults and the punches and the endless abuse need to be seen. The reason for the R-rating is “bad language.” There are very many things worse for children than hearing bad language. The censorious small-minded folk at the MPAA are the same type of people who dismiss bullying as “boys will be boys” stuff and all part of growing up. If I have a chip on my shoulder, there’s a list of people I knew when I was 11 years old who deserve to take part of the blame.
Thanks everyone for your comments. A lot of you are more qualified than me to comment on this issue.
QRG
I was builled in my first year of Junior high but i fought back, so much that one of my classmates gave me a nickname.
I gained the respect of my classmates, where future attempts of someone bullying me where hindered by them.
There’s never been a time where i’ve felt bad about defending myself.
Bullies aren’t gonna magically dissappear and authority figures aren’t always gonna be around.
That’s great, and I’m glad you were able to get enough of a handle on it that the bullies you dealt with learned to keep their distance. It’s also true that it’s practically impossible to rely on the protection of adults or outside authority figures and that nothing puts a bully in his place like a good beating from a (now former) victim or friends thereof. That said, there is a distinction between acknowledging these facts as they are now (and attempting to act on them) and assuming that the victim is at fault in some way if he or… Read more »
Victims needs to learn to stand for themselves.
I fought back because i knew they didn’t randomly choose me, they saw this quiet, timid little kid who’s body language screamed “fear”.
I continue to fight back because i know there’s always gonna be someone out there that’ll try to harm me.
Why should anyone forgive the bullies who destroyed a large portion of his or her life? I recently wrote a letter to the “head bully” from my high school days. Let’s see if she dares to respond to it! There is no excuse for being terrorized in your school, a place where you deserve absolute safety! I was robbed of my teen years. I’m almost 60, and there’s no way to get those years back. I will never understand why the “head bully” and her minions went after me as they did on an ongoing basis, not occasionally. There were… Read more »
I was the only Asian kid on a summer camp school bus….from daily racist taunts to outright groping to even the bus driver asking me what I ate for dinner (like I was from another planet!), it was utter torture as a kid at age 10….but soon I made friends who protected me and taught me how to fight back (how stupid it felt to be reduced to physical combat when I was a straight A student on the cusp of entering an elite JHS/HS in the city)… If anything it taught me how awful and cruel some people can… Read more »
BBRS: “I was a victim too, but only once in a while, not like you. Soon, I got very tall and wasn’t a target anymore. But while I agree with most of what you say, I think your attitude towards your tormenters is unhealthy ” It’s interesting that, like many people who read the stories of people who were bullied, to always add “Well, I did this or that and was no longer tormented”. That’s a bit of subtle blaming of the victim, as if he only grew a few more inches, put on some muscle mass, or just punched… Read more »
“”” ‘Well, I did this or that and was no longer tormented’ […] Hopefully you’re not implying this because if you aren’t, please correct me if I’m wrong.””” Well, getting tall is not exactly something I *did*. Getting tall is not an act… I meant that I had the luck to become tall, which was my saving grace. I’m not blaming anyone. “And what’s unhealthy about what he say towards his tormentors? Nowhere in the man’s sentence did he say that he wanted them dead or seriously hurt. He wanted them to take the blame i,e, take some responsibility for… Read more »
I was a victim too, but only once in a while, not like you. Soon, I got very tall and wasn’t a target anymore. But while I agree with most of what you say, I think your attitude towards your tormenters is unhealthy (“there’s a list of people I knew when I was 11 years old who deserve to take part of the blame”, and the keyword here is “deserve”). Since your post appearing at the same time Romney is revealed to have been a bully in his high school years can’t be a coincindence, please consider this : several… Read more »
Sorry, my mother tongue not being English, I used the word “grieving” incorrectly. I meant that you shouldn’t “waste it on resenting people”, holding a grudge forever.
But there is great pain in seeing those who made your life so hellish succeed later in life without repercussions to the abuse they gave you. When you sit there asking yourself why do they get the nice family, happy home, great job and income when they tortured you and other people without being sorry, without making amends. Resentment is natural, I only wonder how they will react when it’s their child coming home from school crying, cutting themselves, going from straight a’s to f’s, who’s life spirals down into mere existence. Will they wonder back at their own bullying… Read more »
“this grudge I will hold for life and it will only be really cured by seeing my bullies truly ask for forgiveness, show they are truly sorry, or karma biting them with a major-life changing event like they inflicted on me” I can agree on the first two ways you would be “cured” : your bullies asking for fogiveness or showing (i.e. proving) they are sorry. But have you ever wondered why these behaviors from your bullies would make you feel better? Just think for a minute. What happens within yourself when someone apologizes or demonstrates they have changed after… Read more »