There is massive uncertainty in our day to day lives in ways that many of us could not have seen coming when we made our new year’s resolutions for 2020.
More people are unemployed currently than since the great depression. The very high unemployment rate has resulted in millions of people having food insecurity and worrying about maintaining a place to live.
The threat of the COVID-19 pandemic only exacerbates the uncertainty adding to it the element of illness, death, and grief to the lives of hundreds of thousands if not millions of people.
Some reports suggest that one in three Americans are currently experiencing one or more symptoms of depression or anxiety. Due to the healthcare crisis which limits access to segments of the population, many of these people are not being treated for depression or anxiety.
With the uncertainty of all of these situations, there are many people who are doing there best to support others going through a tough time. Unfortunately when the help that they offer comes in the form of toxic positivity, it only makes things worse.
Generalizing rather than personalizing a response to an individual who is in crisis may cause more stress than serenity. People want to hear words that support them in their unique situation, they don’t care about others while they are doing their best to cope.
Minimizing someone’s experience while they are in fear and doubt will not help them to see how things might get better. People would prefer to have honest conversations about their situation so they can see progress as they move out of it.
Being positive about food insecurity, chronic illness, or homelessness are not supportive of those people going through their crisis. There is always a place for being positive and supportive and it is best done when people are ready to hear it.
Denying something is happening when someone is the middle of it is like someone who is quicksand saying this is a beach full of sand and I am not sinking into it. Accepting what is going on is just one way to start to move through and out of it.
While people might have the best of intentions, many people are uncomfortable being around people who are suffering or hurting. We see this most often when people don’t know how to sit with someone who is in severe pain or anguish.
Something I observe all too often is the language people use when talking with someone who is experiencing a crisis or challenge in their life. The best intentions can be overshadowed by one directive statement that I hear overused in these scenarios.
When I hear someone tell another person “You need to…” followed by some directive to get them out of it, I cringe. The first thing for me is the use of You need versus I offer You or I invite You, and only after I have asked if they want my advice, counsel, or suggestions.
When someone hears you need, they hear that they don’t have what it takes to move through and out od their current circumstance, and while this might be true who wants to hear that while they are down?
When someone is going through a crisis and you offer them advice, guidance, or counsel they must maintain their personal power with the options of responding with yes, no, not now, or whatever feels right for them. With you need they are stripped of personal empowerment which may already be undermined by the crisis.
The judgment that comes with someone telling another person you need to can be very harmful and hurtful. If the thing that they are being told to do might trigger a negative reaction.
In both my professional and personal life, I am diligent about being a good listener when I am with other people and even more so when I know someone is confiding in me about their very personal struggles and challenges. I have found through my own experience with living in crisis mode that I want to be heard, seen, and accepts as I am in that moment of sharing.
When people use you need to when talking with someone in crisis they send the message that they are focused on themselves and not them. The way they talk to someone in crisis and uncertainty only adds to the symptoms of depression and anxiety.
In these uncertain times, it occurs to me that when we listen and ask we set up the opportunity to truly hear, see, and accept the person for who they and what they are going through at that moment.
It seems to me that more challenges have been overcome in people’s lives by having someone else listening to them and asking them questions rather than pontificating on their opinions and telling them what to do.
How are you showing up for those friends and family who are struggling with food insecurities, worrying about homelessness, or contracting the coronavirus?
The more important question might be with the staggering number of us dealing with one or more of these challenges is, how am I supporting myself during these uncertain times?
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