Dr. Jed Diamond with 8 common reasons why men use pornography, and insights into the impact it can have on relationships.
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My son, Aaron, and his girlfriend visited from Portland, Oregon. His real love is doing music which he is very good at. He gave us a little taste by playing at the Open Mic at our local Pub. I was amazed at how good he’s become. It had been awhile since I had heard him sing, play piano and guitar. I got tears in my eyes hearing his poignant lyrics and passionate melodies.
In his day job, though, he’s a computer whiz-kid. He’s the tech guy for a large company and we got talking about the “net.” His feeling was that there was still very little real value being delivered. “The only industry that has consistently been making money from the beginning is pornography,” he told me. It got me thinking. Why do so many men use porn? What do they really want? Do they find what they are looking for?
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it throws their hormones out of balance and impacts testosterone. For others it covers depression and other emotional problems. It can cause urological problems for some guys. We know now that it can even change our brain chemistry and for young males raised on internet pornography, many become addicted to porn and find it difficult to establish a relationship with a “real girl.” This may be the first generation in human history where young men are suffering from erectile dysfunction.
For some it creates a moral dilemma. “If we’ve agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex’ in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful?” One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it does:
“I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage. I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can’t trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We’ve all got our desires. I don’t see why we can’t control them. Why do men need porn?”
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me:
“I just don’t get it. I like sex. I’m available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn’t hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It’s wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?”
The question made me reflect on my first experiences with “pornography.” I was 11 or so and beginning to feel the sexual juices flowing. They seemed to be on all the time and just about anything would set off an erection—a pretty girl sitting next to me in class, my teacher, Miss Carruthers, who everyone thought was sexy; a furry animal scurrying up a tree.
I knew there were sex magazines with pictures, but I had never seen one. Riding my bike home one day, I found and old magazine in an empty lot. It turned out to be a “nature” magazine with pictures of nude men and women playing volleyball and generally walking around as though being naked were the most natural thing in the world. To my hypersensitive, sexual brain, it was like being dosed with cocaine. I took it home and masturbated, then started a search for other images that would turn me on.
Like many kids of this age, sex was new and we were mostly shy and too young to be able to get anything going with a real girl. As I grew up, had girlfriends, had sex, got married, got divorced, got married (does this sound familiar), the desire for porn slipped into the background.
But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?
(1) They enjoy the sexual excitement and release that porn delivers.
(2) They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
(3) In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our “sex partner” will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
(4) The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
(5) Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age), there are always those times when we’re hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
(6) Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have “regular sex” with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
(7) In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
(8) “Instant gratification isn’t fast enough for me,” one client told me. In our sped up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography fits right in.
So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they’re looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex? How does pornography impact their health, their relationships?
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–Photo: bourguiboeuf/Flickr
Here’s a thought experiment. Someone tell me what the difference is, if any, between these two scenarios and whether the difference is large or small: 1. A man, by himself, in private, masturbates without porn, using just his imagination. 2. A man, by himself, in private, masturbates while watching porn. I ask this because I think deep down a lot of what we’re talking about is not so much the way that people feel about male porn use but the way they feel about male masturbation. I don’t hear a lot from people who despise porn but think male masturbation… Read more »
Wives who can’t stand the idea of their husbands using porn – are they really okay with him masturbating without porn?
wello, i think u got to the crux of the matter right there.
to what degree is this more about control freakery
I was thinking something similar. The question of why men in relationships use porn is awfully similar to the question of why men in relationships “still masturbate.” All of those 8 explanations describe reasons why men with partners masturbate on their own, whether they look at porn or not. What we’re really talking about is the difference between imagination and reality.
As someone married for almost 18 years, I use porn as fuel for my imagination. Like alcohol, it shouldn’t be compulsive. Negative side effects like ED are evidence of a problem. Frankly speaking, though, I have reached a stage in life where neither I nor my wife is at our best naked. A little fantasy enables me to get up for performing and satisfying her needs. And it does admittedly allow for some anxiety release at highly stressful times.
So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they’re looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex? How does pornography impact their health, their relationships? I can only answer for myself. I don’t know who “they” are or why they do it. (1) “Excitement and release”. Yes. (2) “Variety”. No not really. I know what I like and that’s what I tend to look up. (3) “Anything, anyhow, anywhere, every-so-often…”. I’m getting old, and what I’ve missed the most is… Read more »
Most of the comments/article has already captured the 80/20 rule: easy, accessible, visual, single, varied/niche, private, etc
One mention that did not make the grade yet is voyeuristic.
Great comments and responses. I appreciate the thoughtfulness and willingness to discuss a topic that most people have strong feelings about, but few people discuss openly.
As ever, I don’t think there’s parity here in terms of what personal sexual practices it is and isn’t ok to object to in someone else. No guy’s cock looks or functions like a jackrabbit, but the response to men who have said they feel threatened by their women using one has overwhelmingly been of the form ‘lol’. Telling women to ditch their toys would not be taken well. I also don’t see how any of the arguments here are inapplicable to romance fiction or erotica – porn seems to be unfairly singled out here as are its users. I’m… Read more »
Exactly. If I can get my laptop to vibrate, do I get to call it a sex toy and an instrument of sexual liberation?
I’m a bit surprised that “Because I’m single.” didn’t come up.
That’s what it was for me for a long time and after getting together with my current gf there is great deal if, “There are times when I want to but she doesn’t.”
(And Jed thanks for not just concluding that men watch it because they have a desire to degrade women.)
I second the parenthetical – thanks indeed for keeping things understanding.
I second all of Danny’s post.
Being single, or being in the “There are times when I want to but she’ll either ridicule me, or feign an interest but say she’ll want it later, but that later can be can be 2 months away just as well as 2 hours or 2 days.”
I find it disheartening when my partner watches porn, then turns to me for relief and release.
It’s degrading to me and I feel used.
Why can’t a man understand this?
@ Ann
“Why can’t a man understand this?”
There is the problem. He shouldn’t need to. If your partner says this bothers me that needs to spark a conversation. He either needs to stop doing it or both people need to agree to guidelines. I would also suggest that the couple get to the root causes of why he is doing it. I suspect that they’ll need to make additional compromises in other areas (frequency, type of act, role play, etc). If no compromises can be reached then they need to reassess why they’re together.
Because I am single, no sexual partners (or romantic). In relationships I’d prefer to be with the woman but I guess there are a few things at play here. Some men are not monogamous and forcing them to be so due to social stigmas, etc causes issues. Some are in sexless relationships where a woman may have legit reasons (eg exhaustion, pregnancy, health, etc) or simply bad reasons or excuses (eg, using sex as weapon, taking relationship for granted) as to why she doesn’t want sex. Sometimes people have mis-matched libidos. Maybe the type of sex the woman likes isn’t… Read more »
Another anti porn rant?
Your supposed to be better then links like this http://yourbrainonporn.com/
I’ve found the site to be informative and accurate. It doesn’t seem to me to be an anti porn rant, but some good information on how pornography impacts the brain. Its not at all like the “frying egg, your brain on drugs” kind of rant.
Because it’s easy and simple. Trying to get laid requires endless jumping through hoops.
Porn is going to play a key role in the MGTOW movement and men’s liberation in the future.
It’s a good list. I was looking for control, which I think is a big one. I think a related one is it’s safe. As a single guy, there is always fear of rejection. Porn is also free or could be acquired for free. I’d disagree that it’s the only on-line industry making money. Just look at Itunes. I’ve got a cash crunch for about another year. I might have been able to date without any money when I was 20 and in decent physical shape. Now I’m not athletic and broke. It amplifies the fear of rejection. What do… Read more »