Thom Ingram reflects on the pressure some of us face to have children.
—
Sunday night in my thirties
Mother calls begging for grandchildren,
bootie socks, bibs, the opportunity to shop
at Talbot’s Kids, pick out some hideous, god
awful thing she’d have dressed us in, train
conductor overalls, a Pepto pink tutu.
“Aww look,” she’d say, “how cute.” Wonders why
I balk on the phone, talk about PhDs,
theses, long lost friends, dying. “Please,”
she prods, “Please, get it together,
while I still have my faculties.”
Kisses placed on my wife’s
lips wilt from pressure and stress,
stories of cute little Maggie, sweet
darling Molly, up and walking now, talking,
headed to preschool, growing so quickly.
***
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Photo by Keene Public Library /Flickr
We might reflect on why there is pressure to have our ‘own’ children when there are so many unwanted and uncared for children in the world. Somehow, we need to move past relating to children as possessions and also move toward collective responsibility for the children that are already in the world. I have a dear brother who chose not to have children of his ‘own’, although he would have been an exceptional parent, reasoning there are enough children in the world who need care.
Your poetry is testimony to the fact that you contribute much to the world without procreation. Thank you for the gifts of art and observation and eloquence that you vulnerably share. The world is a better place because of you.
What? Say what? My mother would never say such a thing to me, and if she even thought it, she would know that some topics are off limits and even a sly hint that she would want the mate and I to reproduce would get her one result: Being banned from further contact for at least a year. May as well state the obvious: I am Childfree by Choice, Barren By Design. Tubal Ligation, best decision I’veever made, and those who wish to be offended are free to find other company that is more to their taste. Thankfully, the state… Read more »
Jenn, do they not ask men which gender of surgeon they’d prefer? If not, why not? Do they not deserve the same consideration? I wasn’t asked when I had my bits snipped. The surgeon turned out to be a woman. This was absolutely fine. My only concern was that she should be a competent surgeon, which she absolutely was, and also very amiable and pleasant to chat with, as I’ve written about elsewhere here. But I was still mildly disappointed that the clinic didn’t ask. So much of the birth control debate seems to focus on abortion. I would never… Read more »
Well done. Poetry is not really my preference, but Thom keeps me coming back. Great work Thom Keep it up!
Thanks Vince.
None of us – of either sex – are should tolerate this crap. Accordingly, nobody should have their control over their own reproductive bits limited. No “you can’t have a vasectomy/tubal ligation yet because silly reasons” crap should be tolerated. No “you can’t get The Pill because you’re not married don’t you have any morals” crap. Makes me rage! Even though I was able to have a vasectomy performed with no lectures, minimal paperwork and almost no questions asked. It makes me rage because I now understand how much stress this can relieve for guys that don’t want to breed… Read more »
Thank you for your comment.
I think it is fair for parents to want grandkids. I think it is a force in our society for people to reproduce. There is a lot of marketing and salesmanship coming from well-intentioned families and from greedy companies. Whether you are not procreating by choice, or biology, or simply timing (not procreating… yet). I think it is hard to be in your 30s without children. Luckily, by your 40s people get tired or marketing to you, and tired of asking.