My boyfriend, Mark, used guilt, humiliation, and constant begging until I had intercourse with him. I stayed because I justified that I must have extreme love for him if I was willing to put up with his emotional abuse.
I wanted to have that moment on my own terms, but Mr. Schadenfreude whined so much that I did it so he could stop. When I had intercourse, I felt shame from myself and my parents. I felt shame because I gave in despite my No’s, and shame from my parents because they wanted me to wait until marriage. I typed up letters to Mark telling him that I didn’t want sex anymore, but he told me he couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t have sex with him. I broke up with him with many times and came back because he always told me he changed, which was never the case.
For the longest time I thought that sexual coercion was rape (it was to the point I actually reported my experience to the police) but there is a slight difference.
Rape is a type of sexual coercion, but not all sexual coercion is rape. It’s difficult to define because it’s subtle and encompasses many behaviors and situations and includes a perceived unwillingness to get involved in sexual acts by the victim. Behaviors of coercion include: The act of using pressure to have sex, alcohol or drugs to have sexual contact, and using sexual contact such as caressing, petting, kissing to push on intercourse.
Many cases of sexual coercion are often the male pressuring the female, but there are cases of the reverse. My friend, Tree, was pressured to have intercourse with his longtime on/off high school girlfriend, Peta. She was a jealous and controlling girlfriend who didn’t allow Tree to hang out with his friends. During one of our many evening AIM instant messaging chats, we had a conversation about sex.
He hesitated when I asked him if he had sex, and when he admitted it, I was shocked. He was someone who I thought would wait until marriage. Then when I asked him why he did it, he said it was because Peta pressured him into it. I asked him if it was good, but he said he felt empty by the experience.
For a long time I resented myself for allowing to be coerced , but through therapy, meditation, and being around supportive people (i.e. my quasi-husband Mr. Squigglekins), I’ve forgiven myself. I’m grateful for the experience because I’ve learned to follow my instincts when I feel uncomfortable and how to communicate my needs.
Previously published on RantsofanOCDGirl.com
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