Matt here! For the FULL EXPERIENCE, I recommend you go back and listen to Try “Humility” (Part 1).

Session 10: The Process

Therapist: Did that make you feel better?

Fuck ya. My favorite part was seeing my friends, whose humility I marvel in, laughing and loving together. Or imagining my buddy doing a satirical voiceover. I even thought up some of those testimonies, too. Like, “before humility, my wife couldn’t stand the sight of me. Now, we can’t keep our hands off each other.”

Mmm, I wish it didn’t have to end.

You know, I daydreamed that commercial while I was briefly in Boston. I was taking a break from helping my partner move in, and decided to check my loan account like many others were doing at that time, you know they cut that SAVE program I was on. Anyway, after doing a bit of research, I ended up on The Department of Education’s website. And right at the top of the page was this message that came across like state run radio.

Humph

My Country’s government website sounded like state run radio. I was terrified. I tried to pivot by going to Instagram. Maybe see if my Baltimore Ravens had any interesting news. Instead, I found more embarrassing behavior my Country was involved in… starving Gazans, justifying predatory behavior, bullying its citizens, and other Countries. As well as the usual stuff like providing safe haven to racists, while leaving people like me in the cold. So, the feeling? Business as usual.

Therapist: That’s not a feeling…

Ugh, fine time to process my stupid feelings.

I felt rage. So much fucking rage.

So, I decided to be a smart ass. I decided to tell the world how angry I was by knocking them down a peg with simple logic and a sprinkle of condescension in the only safe place left, my head. Then they could feel what it feels like to be me. and I could feel what it felt like to be free, while they go whine to people who already agree with them. While I would continue to explore all viewpoints as my values taught me. As my degrees taught me. Like we are supposed to. I’d take the information home to my people and share my knowledge with… people who agree with me.

Ughhh, I see your point now. But it doesn’t mean I’m wrong, right?

I mean, what the hell do you want me to do? Provide proofs to negatives? Pander to false equivalency? Humor points that I know will eventually turn into “isms”? Be considerate to those who refuse to consider considerations for me? That’s stupid, it annoys me. And I don’t want to hear you say, it’s deeper than that. Ain’t shit deeper. It’s asinine, my humanity deserves the same respect. We all deserve the same respect and rights as those with white skin and XY chromosomes.

It hurts. It pains me. It pains me that my hurt is an inferior argument to this many people. So excuse me if I roll my eyes when my heart is crushed and the response is “stop basing things on emotions.” Because I’m not! My arguments have historical, scientific, experiential cores with an emotional finish. I use my humility to get to my conclusions. I’m proud as hell about how humble I am.

Fuck, ya I noticed it.

So what if I know this? What are you even trying to tell me? You sound like you just want me to keep doing this. Keep trying to learn, keep exploring, keep humbling myself, while others attempt to stand over me. Laughing at me with all the power in the world to immediately change systems, while denying they have any controls.

Sorry, yes, I know you didn’t say that. Yes, I know you aren’t telling me to put myself in harm’s way. And, no we don’t have to go over boundaries, again. It’s just… I know humility is a part of my spiritual practice and that it’s about me focusing on who I want to be, but it’s just really hard. I don’t want to “blow up” and give them another excuse to keep target others. But I don’t want to ignore it when my so called allies refuse to call out others. My practice is about compassion and it just feels hard right now.

Humility is harder than humor most days.

I don’t feel like I’ve done anything wrong, or chose the wrong side, if such a thing exists. I just know I chose this path, and while I don’t want to leave it, I wish more people knew what it was like to stay on it….

You know, some want to get me twisted.

I’m no one’s victim.

I just wish they would feel with me. I’m like everyone else. I’m full of smart-ass comments and quick responses that I want to say. I have so many thoughts, wishes and feelings that aren’t “holy.” I don’t have some superior moral ground that stops me from daydreaming about humility, while I lie in bed with my own hubris.

…

You know, there’s a story about the Buddha getting spit on by this angry man. And the Buddha basically just wiped it away. Then, when asked why, he responded, “he didn’t spit on me. He spit on the idea of me.” Ain’t that some shit. Without skipping a beat, he does exactly what he practices, kindness. Protecting himself, and going beyond himself in the same breath.

I know, what the hell does the Buddha getting spit on have anything to do with humility? I think it was on my mind because he had every justifiable reason to go upside that man’s head.

And he didn’t.

Right. Wrong.

The duality of that didn’t matter.

He cut through.

He didn’t lose sight of his practice. He continued his mission of helping all beings.

Yeah, that ain’t me. But, I’m trying. Like I said, I have many thoughts, wishes and feelings I want to say and do. But honestly, when I do, I don’t feel any better. It’s like a quick high you get from a drug. Powerful, filling, and energizing but just like a fien, next thing you know you’re blacked out, ass naked somewhere and can’t recognize yourself. Yeah, that’s right, you lose yourself. Doesn’t feel good. And neither does the alternative to be honest with you. But shit, at least I got my pants on.

Therapist: Matt…

Yeah I know, Ill stop deflecting with humor. What I mean to say is, at least I didn’t lose myself. And I think that’s what the Buddha was pointing towards. When I lose my humility, I lose myself. I give them my power.

I think I just wish more people sat in humility with me. Or at least notice how they spat at me. But nowadays it feels like we’ll let someone spit on us and ask for more, if it means someone we hate gets hurt in the process. And I can’t help but feel the suffering. For everyone. I know I’m allowed to be angry. And at the same time, I know am more than my anger.

Therapist: how did that make you feel?

Sad. Sad, but better. I feel less alone. Oddly, feeling motivated. I feel like I know I need to keep going.

Note: (The audio/transcript is not an actual therapist session. If you or somebody you know finds themselves struggling with similar topics, please connect with a licensed therapist.)

Previously Published on substack

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