I feel bad for men.
There’s this modern assumption that in order to be “masculine” or desirable, you have to be sexually experienced. Like, sleeping with lots of different girls is the way to prove that you’re a “real man.”
I wish this weren’t true, but it is a common assumption among women these days. It came up over dinner the other night when I was out with a friend of mine.
“I would never date a virgin,” she said with disgust, “a man needs to know his way around the bedroom.” She continued, “he doesn’t have to be a complete hoe and he shouldn’t have any STDs, but he should definitely have some experience.”
I struggled not to let my facial expression give away my thoughts. I asked, “so it wouldn’t bother you to be compared to all the other girls he’s been with?”
“No, because I would be comparing him, too!”
Again — I tried to put on my best poker face, but I couldn’t help but think, what a way to look at it.
…
The comparison game is a real thing.
I should know. When I first started dating my significant other, I ripped myself apart with comparisons to his ex-girlfriend. I didn’t know much about her, other than that she was white, blonde, and a dancer.
(For reference — I am a blend of Indian and Latina, with dark brown hair and the coordination of a baby elephant.)
What made it worse was that he was my first (and only) serious boyfriend, so I didn’t have an “ex” of my own to reference.
But in retrospect, I’m grateful — because comparison is never the answer.
I’m sure my boyfriend’s ex is a great person. She just wasn’t the right partner for him.
He’s happy with where he is now, and wouldn’t change a thing about my looks or personality. He embraces my differences and wholeheartedly believes that I am his perfect match.
There was never any need to compare in the first place.
Now imagine it wasn’t that way.
Imagine he was comparing me. Imagine I had an ex-boyfriend to compare him to. Imagine our entire relationship was based on comparison to exes and previous partners from either side.
The invisible measuring stick, the goalpost, the constant pressure to be like someone else.
Imagine that every time we got into a fight, one of us said, “ugh! you’re worse than my ex!” or “my ex would never have done something so stupid!”
Imagine that every time we made love, one of us said, “there’s this thing my ex did that really got me going, can you try that?”
Imagine that whenever we talked about our relationship or future, we made references to the plans we once had with someone else. “My ex would have made enough to buy a house” or “my ex would have made a better mom.”
My ex this and my ex that.
Does this sound like a healthy, happy relationship?
There is nothing wrong with having previous experience or dating history.
But that history should remain just that — history.
It should never permeate into your present relationship. It should never be the goal post that you measure your current partner against. It should never be the cause of gut-wrenching insecurity or problems in your relationship.
Even if there are exes in the picture, they should keep out of the frame. They don’t belong in the center of the photo anymore.
Of course, our experiences shape us and help us to grow into who we are.
We should never discredit our history because to some extent, one’s past shapes one’s present. However, it would be a mistake to say that one’s past is one’s present. In order to move forward in life, you will always have to let go of what was, in order to embrace what is.
The same is true for relationships. Accept your past, learn your lessons, grow from the experiences…and let it go.
If you’re not over your ex, please don’t date.
This really shouldn’t be rocket science. If you can’t help but compare your partners to one another, you aren’t in a clear headspace to give any new person a fair chance.
Dating should never be about finding someone to “replace” or “one-up” your last relationship. You should be looking for someone to love and live life with, not to fill a void that another person left behind.
…
Final thoughts
“He can compare me because I’ll be comparing him!” is not the attitude you should aspire to have while dating.
You shouldn’t be comparing, and they shouldn’t either.
Everyone deserves a clean slate and a fair shot at finding true love.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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