Sarah Thebarge wonders if it’s really necessary for her online dating site to ask her whether she uses ketchup on her grilled cheese and who her favorite Kardashian is.
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“So I’m doing online dating again,” I told a friend last week as we sat at a cafe sipping steaming lattes.
The sentence echoed in my head. It made me feel like I was making a confession, admitting out loud that out of the thousands of people I know, there is not one single man who’s interested in asking me out. Not one. It also felt like I was admitting defeat. I’m lonely and I’m ready to share life with a partner. No one’s held my hand or even tried to kiss me for more than a year, and some days the lack of touch makes me feel like I’m literally going to go insane.
So I’m doing online dating again….
Not only did it sound like a confession; it also sounded like the start of a stand-up comedian’s joke. Which, honestly, is not all that far from the truth.
I tried online dating a few years ago. I met one gentleman on Match.com who looked handsome from his photos. We talked on the phone, and I liked the sound of his voice. We decided to meet on a park bench to chat in person. When he started walking towards me, I barely recognized him. His posture was awful, he was about twelve years older than he’d appeared in his photos.
I walked home and cancelled my account.
Then I tried eHarmony. I was interested in one guy who lived somewhere in the midwest. After we exchanged e-mails, we decided to talk on the phone. I was glad that he was a Christian who took his faith seriously — until he began unpacking his own personal theology. The U.S. should supply Israel with nuclear weapons, he said. Vegetarianism was a failure to obey the command that God gave Adam to “have dominion over every living thing that moveth upon the earth. And epidurals were an abomination. Because if God had intended for women to feel no pain during childbirth, He would have made it that way.
I hung up on him and sat in stunned silence for a while. And then I made myself a cup of tea. And then I cancelled my account.
Years went by. I went on some really good dates and some really awful dates. (No, seriously, they were awful.) For instance, after telling a handsome Iranian doctor that I’d had breast cancer and reconstruction, he looked at my chest and said, “I do not believe you.” We were walking down a crowded sidewalk when he took his index finger and poked my boob a few times before I could slap his hand away.
“You are right,” he said in his thick accent. “They are not real.”
I broke up with some guys, and some guys broke up with me. I was relieved by some relationships ending, and devastated by others.
And now, here I am again. Mostly I’ve enjoyed my singleness, but sometimes, like the current season I’m in, the loneliness can be distracting. I get tired of checking into hotels and only needing one room key. Of walking into restaurants and when the hostess asks me how many are in my party, answering “Just one.”
Okay, now I’m depressing myself. Anyway. Like I said, I’ve decided to try online dating again. I created my profile a few weeks ago, but before I could post it, I had to answer a few hundred “compatibility questions.” That’s right. A few hundred questions.
Some of them were reasonable, and would definitely be helpful in determining what kind of person would be a good fit for me.
How do you view money?
What do you think of divorce?
How often do you go to church.
I answered each one thoughtfully.
Then there were questions that covered topics that were interesting, but probably not deal-breakers.
Are you a morning person or a night owl?
When you go on vacation do you prefer the ocean or the mountains?
What do you do with your free time?
Would you date someone with an STD?
Hmmm, that last one was a weird question, I thought.
And then the wheels.came.off.the.train.
Do you believe in angels? Yes or no.
Do cell phones cause cancer?
Does a grilled cheese sandwich need ketchup on the side?
Do you wait an hour after eating to swim?
Have you ever made an official noise complaint?
Wait, what????
The questions kept coming.
Is nicotine a gateway drug?
Which Kardashian is your favorite?
How long do you spend in the shower?
Have you ever been pepper sprayed?
I say Ted Danson, you say ________?
I say I’m never online dating again.
How many continents are there?
When you die, do you want to be buried or cremated?
Can you curl your tongue?
Was Barack Obama born in the United States?
What do you think about a woman who wears Spanx?
Have you ever milked a cow?
Seriously, what the hell?
I began yelling at my computer screen. “First of all, there are couples who have been married for decades who wouldn’t know their partner’s answers to any of these questions. And second of all, if a guy showed up on a date and asked me these to my face, I would run for the hills. So I refuse to answer any more of your ridiculous questions. Do you understand? I refuse.”
I overrode the error message that said, “Your Profile Is Not Complete,” and published my profile anyway. Because here’s the thing. I just want an intelligent, good-looking, ambitious, thoughtful, single man who loves God. And if he happens to believe, as I do, that nicotine is a gateway drug that leads to all kinds of depravity, that Khloe Kardashian surpasses all of her sisters (duh), that ketchup only goes on french fries and scrambled eggs, that waiting an hour after eating to swim is the sensible thing to do, and that being pepper sprayed is nothing to be ashamed of — well, that would just be icing on the (wedding) cake.
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Photo: Flickr/Katie Tegtmeyer
There are questions that needs no answers at all because some are really non-sense when it comes to online dating discussions. Thanks for sharing this one Ms. Thebarge!
Online dating is a fun opportunity, not something to be ashamed of. Anyway, I think those questions are actually pretty telling. You think that nicotine is a gateway drug that leads to all kinds of depravity? I don’t think I could date somebody who would say something like that…..
A Whole year since someone held your hand?
A Whole year since someone kissed you?
A Whole FUCKING YEAR?!
OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN.
I know people who are 30+ and who have not held hands with anyone since they stopped being too little to cross the street alone, and who haven’t felt human touch in a caring empathetic way, let alone sexual, in the entire time I’ve known them. The world is filled with incredibly sad and lonely people. Suck it up, at least people go on dates with you.
Hi j say
This is a young women that has lived through the terror of having cancer. She probably knows it can come back. What gives you the right to bash her, and invalidate her feelings and make fun of her?
Does it make you feel good?
One more thing j say:
You write
✺” who haven’t felt human touch in a caring empathetic way, let alone sexual, in the entire time I’ve known them. “✺
Then why don’t you give your fried a warm hug?
And how about paying for him having some body massage once in while?
Here you are looking at what you see as human suffering , but you do nothing. Instead you lash out on a women you have never met, simply because your male friends don’t know how to connect to women.
Is that her fault. I don’t think so.
From what I have heard of Eharmony, their matching system is based more on the types of things in the first set of questions that Sarah wrote about. But I don’t know all the ins and outs of the system. Eharmony has questions like the rest of the questions but they don’t appear to be apart of the matching system; but are optional. I guess they could be conversation generators or just some way to let someone who is viewing your profile know more about you. On the flip side, in talking to women on Eharmony I hear stories that… Read more »
Get two room keys anyways.
And the correct answer is “Just one AWESOME girl”. It’ll turn heads if nothing else.
@AT,
Just one good woman has always done it for me, except for my ex wife. Personality, character, values, smarts, sense of humor trumps being “hot” every time for me.
You can have all your hot, trophy, head turner women…. .I will take my gf all day long. She has all the qualities I mentioned. She is beautiful in my eyes. This is all that matters.
Sarah, I totally resonate with the idea that resorting to online dating feels like defeat. I haven’t done any of the mainstream sites but I tried a Christian one, and it’s a bust. @Julia Byrd, there are a LOT of amazing single women who don’t know any men who are interested in them. It has nothing to do with our aura or attitude toward men and everything to do with our crappy circumstances. Comments like that, while perhaps well-intentioned, aren’t helpful when we already struggle and think there is something wrong with us. In case you’re wondering, out of ten… Read more »
@sn, “In case you’re wondering, out of ten amazing late 20s-mid-30s women I am friends with, 2 are married. The rest of them are single with no prospects, and I fall into that category as well.” Perhaps you should read and share with your friends Lori Gottlieb’s book, “Marry Him….” Again, my attempt was not disparage or make light of the issue. But, I am troubled by how easy it seems for many middle and lower middle class women to find dates and husbands. It only seems that it is these well educated modern women who have issues. I personally… Read more »
Jules,
For what it’s worth, I had exactly the same thoughts that you did. The author says that out of the thousands of people she knows, it doesn’t appear that there’s any man wanting to ask her out. The other side of the same coin is that she knows all those people, yet she’s apparently not interested in asking out any men. That many guys– and none are interesting? That fact hints at some highly-skewed standards.
@Jonathan G.
Precisely. There is a lot more to her story. Trust me.
, Hi Jules Don’t invalidate the authors experience and feelings. If she tells us nobody ask her out then let’s us believe her. What if this is an symptom of the phenomena of men on marriage strike? They see a women in the age,where most women want to get married and start a family. Something about her makes them think she is not interested in causal sex,and they run…… Men are also strange . When a woman is in a relationship with regular good sex, other men swarms around like they can smell something . Or maybe they are attracted… Read more »
@Iben, Hello Iben! You write, “Don’t invalidate the authors experience and feelings. If she tells us nobody ask her out then let’s us believe her.” OK Iben, this is a fair request. As incredulous as I might sound 🙂 I was not trying to invalidate her because she is beautiful and educated. I know here in America such women often have very very lofty requirements for men. As for men swarming around a woman in a relationship with regular good sex, I have never witnessed such. I have experienced women coming on to me when they see how happy my… Read more »
Hi Jules I was shocked when I read the article about American women on a dating site . Only 1,2% wanted to meet a man shorter than five foot nine. That is not only weird it is unbelievable ! I live in a country of tall men. The only thing hight says about a man , is how tall he is. Now I want to wish you a marry Christmas , or maybe you say happy holidays in your part of the world. The housing booming market stopped abruptly,and prices started to fall this year in my country. Now we… Read more »
I’ve been grappling with the idea of going back onto a dating site as well. 3 months ago I had my heart shattered into little pieces and it doesn’t seem like it will mend anytime soon. I have to move on though. For me it feels like “its going to take another man”. Should I go onto a dating site or should I wait a bit longer and see if my heart becomes less shattered? Personally I don’t enjoy the dating sites as the calibre of men leaves much to be desired. Granted I did meet the one that shattered… Read more »
“…there is not one single man who’s interested in asking me out. Not one.” What kind of vibes are you giving off? Do you come across as an elitist Ivy League wine and cheese snob? I would be willing to bet it has much to do with your aura toward men whom you perceive to be out of your league (most men in your mind). You’re probably looking for a doctor, executive, lawyer…… My remarks are not intended as a personal attack or to assail your character. But, as a man, I find it incredulous that not one single guy… Read more »
I think some of those questions are so awful! I was on OkCupid for about two years and answered around 1,000 questions in that time. I thought that there must be something to all that and would only go on dates with people I had a super high match rating with. Now I’m dating one of my best guy friends, the kicker being we were only a 70%-something match. I think it can be helpful if you’re talking 10% match over a 80% match but in the long run nothing beats actually talking to a person and seeing if you… Read more »