Serge Bielanko wondered what made his past relationships fail. Now he realizes that the answer may have been simple all along.
A friend recently told me something that dropped a bomb on my world:
“My ex-husband and I had so much going for us … But the one thing that was missing was compatibility. We simply weren’t compatible. We had so much of the other stuff, but without the compatibility we couldn’t make it work.”
Compatibility …
I knew the word, of course. Everyone knows it and pretty much everybody who knows it knows what it means, too.
From Websters: “Capable of existing together in harmony.”
Whoa.
It’s mighty impressive, you have to admit, this notion that you can be wholly in love with someone, connect with them in an infinite number of ways: hearts attached, sex spectacular, the two of you even laughing a lot at the others jokes all these years later, but still. All of that may never be enough.
It occurred to me that this was exactly the problem I had had in my own failed marriage of ten years. And in all the other serious relationships I’d been involved in throughout my life, too.
We weren’t compatible.
I loved each one of them, there’s no doubt about that. I loved them so hard that there was no shortage of tears on my part whenever I’ve had to say goodbye.
It was always a mystery to me. But looking back now and seeing my marriage (and my other love affairs) through the very simple and clear lens of compatibility, I feel like someone just rolled a damn boulder off my big toe. I was suffering from the uncertainty of what had happened to me, to us. But now it makes so much sense.
Hey, this might seem like absolutely obvious stuff, I get that.
So think what you want.
Remember though, I overlooked it for a long time, and because of that I’m guessing a lot of other people might be overlooking it as well. Listen, we can love another person with everything we’ve got, but without compatibility, without that simple magic that allows two people to breath easy whenever they’re together, love will always be an uphill climb.
And what’s the point of that, you know?
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Originally appeared at Babble
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Surely, compatibility is just allowing someone to have their differences and loving and supporting them even if you don’t agree or see eye to eye on all matters? It’s respect despite differences. Its big love in action.
“Capable of existing together in harmony.” So doesn’t compatibility simply mean appreciating the differences in a relationship and loving the other without the need to “fix” or change them? I would say that compatibility isn’t the problem but the emotional baggage we attach to our feelings of incompatibility. To quote one author “Complementary and incompatible are two conclusions about the same situation, to sides of the same coin.” The only difference is both partners viewing each other through the dual lenses of mutual respect and affection. What may seem like an incompatibility can also seem like a refreshing difference. That… Read more »
“We weren’t compatible. I loved each one of them, there’s no doubt about that. I loved them so hard that there was no shortage of tears on my part whenever I’ve had to say goodbye. It was always a mystery to me. But looking back now and seeing my marriage (and my other love affairs) through the very simple and clear lens of compatibility” I think that is the toughest part, letting go of someone you loved and admitting to yourself that you are not compatible. We believe we can fix things, deal with the problem, and in some cases… Read more »
the healthiest of relationships consist of both compatibility and chemistry, plus the willingness to recommit to the relationship on a regular basis.