The tendency for men to turn to ANGER is strong.
In these times of unrelenting uncertainty…. the tendency is stronger.
. . .
As a father of 4, yes hi, I’m M Davis (not my real name, of course) and I’m a recovering yeller.
Because, I (could/can/do) see first hand, the damage done to the ones you love… and I no longer wish to be known as someone who (was/is) like that.
Now, thankfully, no one around me is damaged, (at least not that I can see on the outside).
Note to self: Look Deeper
In fact, my children amaze me on a daily, sometimes hourly — sometimes on a moment by moment basis.
Here’s the reality…
You miss those moments when you give into ANGER.
I firmly believe that psychologically speaking, (I’ll leave the physiological changes ANGER produces for the scientists for now) … that psychologically, when you become angered, a cloud is formed.
A dark cloud that shadows, at first, the genesis of the idea of your thought, then the formulation of your words to express that thought, then the delivery of the words of that thought to all of those around you.
Damage done in an instant.
Children, especially, don’t understand ANGER.
As a parent, when you get angry, (trust me on this one) your children look at you differently, in a different light.
They share the same clouded vantage point you have. Although from their viewpoint, its crystal clear. They can immediately feel the tension in your voice, the focused look in your eye. THE LOOK.
It’s frightening.. then they hear THE VOICE.
Your voice.
So strong and so powerful. The voice they know so well, and have come to rely on for guidance, (whether they would ever admit it out loud)… any love they feel for you is instantaneously muted and it scares them.
YOU are causing this, not them..
They are the recipients of your wrath, and they feel the HEAT of your ANGER… much deeper than you could ever imagine.
It stays with you.
I can remember times when I would be with my dad. I would be laughing at one of his many, many, many jokes, and not just typical “dad” jokes, real jokes, with real stories, delivered with the grace and polished poise of a really good joke teller…
Delivered from the heart of a great dad with Me, his captive audience.
Then suddenly, sometimes without provocation, I would hear it, the change in his voice. Not exactly 0 to 100, (because that would be diagnosable as schizophrenia…) no, he was far too level-headed for that (but even still)…
Those sudden changes were enough to leave a lasting impression.
An indelible mark prone to repeat itself at the most inopportune moment (usually triggered by the next “crisis”).
The laughter turned to silence.
It’s confusing, jarring, and put me in instant retreat mode.
You love your dad, but when you see him change like that, into someone you Don’t recognize because of ANGER… in that moment… you feel abandoned and alone… like a wave that you want to wash over you and get as far as humanly possible away from you, for as long as possible — never to return again.
The separation happens right about now.
Not real separation, because you do in fact, have to live with these people you call your family (for better or worse)… but a separation because now everyone within earshot is acutely aware of your capacity for anger.
AND the TRUTH is.. NOBODY wants that… not even you, and especially them.
* I would give ANYTHING to erase all those angry moments that I’ve had with each and every member of my family. * Trust gets broken. It can be mended with time, love, patience, understanding, prayer, and thoughtful introspection and most importantly, a DESIRE to change.
Note to self: Will must overcome worry.
Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash
Perhaps, I’m using the above picture out of context.
When I get angry at my kids, my wife will see me as a “threat” — (in her mind, in that moment)… I am Someone they need to be protected from. I love my kids.
However, in that moment, you KNOW the moment, when you lose control, all of her devotion is focused on their safety.
Now, of course, I could never dream of doing any actual harm to my children, but on an intangible level, hurtful words can do damage. They can flood the minds, souls, and hearts, of the ones we love.
Get the picture? They surely do.
Back to the picture above: The eyes of the mothering figure are closed, I’m not sure why… Perhaps she’s sleeping. If so, who’s watching her child? Perhaps, its a sign of giving up. The child is looking toward the light — represented by the rainbows in the foreground. “Get me outta’ here!” she cries. The woman, let’s call her “mother” could be looking for an escape. Maybe her eyes are closed to avoid the struggle of her own life. Inwardly, she wants to do her level best to shield and protect her child, but finds herself at a loss on how to do so.
When I let ANGER get the better of me, I see a similar reaction from my wife, their mother, in the form of denial. Although, in her case, her eyes are wide opened, as the angry release of my words fill the air. Her mind is shut off to the acknowledgement of the situation — Inwardly, she seeks her own shelter. “Get me outta’ here!” she cries.
This is where the lasting damage can occur
She throws her hands up and tells her kids, this is how your dad is!
Thus giving your ANGER a label, attributed directly to YOU.
You are now branded by your own actions as someone NOT to be trusted, and someone to be avoided. This is the LAST thing you need from them to be feeling about you… ever.
If you’re really paying attention to the words of this post, you’ll realize for yourself that…
The Separation continues right about now
Now you must FIGHT with all you have to dismantle the poor impression she is giving to them of who you are.
You are to blame.
Not her, she is just doing her job. In that moment, as an ANGRY father, you are failing at yours.
Her flight instinct is stronger than your fight instinct, because it HAS to be.
Your angry words (most certainly) are not helping, they never do.
Now, you are alone, fighting for the position you have as a father figure, fighting for the slightest glimmer of hope (call it air gasping) and for the chance to change their minds.
Fight, rage, anger… now you should be able to recognize a toxic pattern now.. a progression revealing itself is giving you a gift… an opportunity to change… to be better. (if you weren’t so blinded by your emotions).
If you believe the lies that this is who you are… it becomes harder to change.
You become your own self-fulfilling prophecy.
NOTE to self: What is my self-fulfilling prophecy filled with?
Photo by Spurwing Agency on Unsplash
It’s Important.
To Understand the Source of Anger
Here it is:
Unrealized expectations.
Anytime you expect something to be a certain way, and it doesn’t happen in the way you expected, your first reaction is one of disappointment.
This leads to a logical progression:
- You are not satisfied with what just happened.
- You must adjust your way of thinking to accept the unexpected change.
- This change causes tension
- Tension can lead to anger.
It’s human nature.
Marry disappointment and dissatisfaction with unfulfilled expectations and undesired outcomes and ACT out of ANGER, then you produce the end result… a family that is dysfunctional.
They Mirror you.
Note to self: What should my reflection show to others?
These Momentary outbursts, if unchecked from within, can turn into Momentous outcomes that trickle down through generations… for eternity.
But with that said….
There is a STRANGE ALLURE to ANGER that cannot go unaddressed.
Image by HG-Fotografie from Pixabay
We like it.
The sense of power and heightened feeling of dominance it gives us…
In the moment.We like the surge of Bold confidence, and Embrace its energy…
In the moment.
It drives us forward with self-importance, with Emphasis to the demonstrative volume of our own words…
In the moment.
But…
the TRUTH is we just wind up running over everyone in the process.
ANGER takes more than it gives…
Every…
Single…
Time.
. . .
It robs others of the joy and confidence they rely on for you to provide for them.
Strong and devout leadership.
The father they look up to is looking elsewhere — to his own needs, because he can.
Dad is mad again, Run!!
This dynamic needs to change.
What makes something extraordinary is when that something rises above the norm.
More than just setting the example, it’s about being the example… no, it’s not about just being the example, it’s about paving the way for generations.
You want your children to grow up happy, and loved — BE that love for them.
Show them LOVE is STRONGER than anger.
Every…
Single…
Time.
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This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
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Photo credit: Pixabay
