A note before I begin: this is a long post, but I believe all ideas needed to be included, to encapsulate the depths of the beautiful men in this life.
You can always find the read time below the author’s name, to decide whether it’s something you want to pursue. If I don’t find you here, I’ll see you around next time. — Lyrical Lioness
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When I first started writing this, I was just introduced to the red and black pill ideologies, which went against everything I knew about men – my positive experiences that is.
I was incredibly disturbed by the vitriol towards women, and the number of men who were cheerleading this.
It took me a minute to process the cognitive dissonance, that learning this brought me.
I’ve since worked through and found a more balanced space with it all, and that’s where you see me today.
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My approach is speaking to the best of men.
The men, that when you think of those you care about, you see as thriving and fulfilled – how we as women can influence this in our men.
I will do my best to ride the middle line with this piece ladies — and I know I’ll fumble. I’m sure I’ll get some of it wrong as well gentlemen.
I encourage you all to indulge me – I’m here to learn and build more understanding, using themes in the content I have learned and implemented, in my relationships with men.
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I have been studying men for the past three years on and off.
Some of the people I studied with are Jordan Gray, Alison Armstrong, Jayson Gaddis, Teal Swan, Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, and Tony Robbins – though I know some people have opinions about him.
Alison Armstrong is a unique voice among women who speak on men, as she has sat with men, 18–80ish, for over 30 years — and is more grounded and authentic than some of the voices out there.
As is Teal Swan. Teal tends to have a more controversial take on human dynamics, but I like how she provokes and challenges my thinking.
This education has shed light on misunderstandings and enabled me to meet who men are with more authenticity and vice versa.
In understanding how the men in my life need to receive my wants and needs, the better they are to meet them.
One thing I have discovered from Armstrong’s work with men, is that often how men behave in relationships is them, well, being men — which was difficult for me to accept at first, I will admit.
I know how this sounds, and in saying that this may ruffle some feathers. At the same time, as much as we feel men could use more authentic education on women, we can often do things — unknowingly — that emasculate them when in a loving relationship.
This is not about relinquishing them from the responsibility to relate well with us as women or enabling and excusing, it’s to understand how sometimes men feel wrong for just being themselves.
The Male Brain
Through Armstrong’s work with men and the work of Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, I have discovered interesting facts about the differences between the male and female brains.
For example, men are singularly focused and women are multi-focused.
Due to estrogen driving our diffuse awareness, we can see multiple needs at any given time and give our attention to them.
Details like schedules, people, or subtle differences in the environment.
It’s also why, the wife often knows where her husband left his keys and he forgot.
I hope you’re already catching on that I’m trying to be lighthearted here.
That’s not to say that men can’t be aware of these things either, it’s understanding that they observe, understand, and process the same information differently.
Testosterone, on the other hand, drives all attention for men into one — it’s (for simplicity) the hunter mindset.
That’s why, if you’re trying to have a conversation with your husband while he’s watching football, it’s futile.
Knowing about this singular awareness, helps us understand how we need to ask for things and share our needs, as women.
Because honestly, men who care about the woman in their lives want to make her happy. When she is smiling, he is winning.
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“These differences can be quite complementary”, Armstrong notes – if we embrace them.
Where we get stuck, is how to communicate these differences with the different ways we receive information, and the meanings attached to it.
“When asking a man for something or sharing something important, imagine him standing or sitting there with a spear in his hand: He’s looking for the point,” Armstrong explains, lightheartedly.
“The point to the question, the point to the request, to the need — so he can then go ahead and meet it!”
Women can get upset if men don’t see what is needed, in the same way, men need to understand that women don’t receive feedback in the same way as their “bros” do from you – women are sensitive to context.
I also know some are already thinking of “weaponized incompetence” as I write this. This is a real issue and not what I’m getting at – It’s a give-and-take — of course.
If a man doesn’t notice things important to you, he needs to be more aware of how to meet you. If you’ve articulated this already, you both may need a different approach or at worst, a different person.
Some of these skills can be learned over long periods and your boyfriend/partner/husband can learn to intuit what you need, in the way you need to receive it, Dr. Tatkin notes in his book We Do, but in the beginning, help a guy out.
The Pain of Men
To keep things fresh, I will delve into a more nuanced look at men’s pain, than what is often discussed in current culture.
I’m not entirely religious anymore, but I watched the most interesting YouTube by Rabbi Manis Friedman, which gave me a new perspective on men’s pain.
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Men have this unique relationship with “nothingness.” Not only can they rest and sit without thought, but they know they started as nothing and can become something, or as society tells them, have to.
They also have a deep, unconscious fear of being nothing.
It’s so deep, that if a woman treats a man like nothing, he might become that.
Or, he’ll feel so inadequate to meet her needs, that he will stop trying and do – nothing.
Women often don’t realize how powerful their belief in their man’s abilities is, to the point where if she mocks his path or purpose, he can shatter like glass — that’s how fragile the male ego is, Rabbi notes.
Men have a hard time with any criticism (especially from a woman special to them) and this suspicion of being nothing haunts them.
It’s not conscious, but a visceral awareness under the surface.
Think of “nothingness” like a monster in the closet, Rabbi explains. Men will do anything to keep this door shut, lest it get him and break him down; especially in front of his peers.
Women can be made to feel like nothing with words and actions of course, but for men, this fear of being nothing is constantly on the periphery.
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That’s why I’ve softened when cheerleading my partners since learning this, but I only come from an authentic place when I do.
I’m not going to cheerlead something that goes against my values, but if I can, I want my partner to know I have his back.
You might ask, “Well what about men towards women? Don’t we need to be cheered on?” Yes, but men might do it differently.
Men will often cheerlead by clearing away obstacles of stress for their woman, for whatever task she needs to accomplish – whatever will bring her to a more relaxed and soft place.
Men want us to believe in their purpose and path – they don’t need it, but it’s an incredible asset to their success.
One caveat is that there is a point where you can cheerlead too much, and no matter how much you affirm a man’s value in your life, it won’t be enough to fix his self-esteem or self-concept.
The Current Climate for Masculinity and Men’s Needs
I won’t speak too much to the masculine and feminine energies here, at the same time, polarity is essential in maintaining desire in a long-term relationship.
Every man has inherent masculine values though, with variations in their expression. Once a woman and a man are on that trajectory, there is often a give and take to these energies.
This is one of the keys to getting this healthy polarity from men:
Men desire to step into their masculine core, and we need to let them.
Armstrong asks to consider the word “let them” because often, as women, we ask but aren’t open to how our man shows what we desire.
Or, we feel offended by chivalrous, masculine things, because we believe he thinks we can’t do it or that we are weak ‘damsels in distress’.
Armstrong gave a great example on one of her calls. She has often traveled and presented workshops globally, and her husband gave her a dollar bill for the luggage trolley, during one of her trips at the airport.
She said, “Thank you, I’ve got it.” And he seemed deflated.
Another time, he took her to the airport and his father was in the car too. When getting the trolley, they both took out a dollar wanting her to have it!
She realized, “They don’t think less of me, they just really want to contribute to an easier trip!”
So she took his dollar, and it made him happy. If we look back at the Rabbi’s statement about nothingness, in this case, a dollar is better than – “nothing.”
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As women, we must take accountability for this part of our relationships if we want men to show up for us in a healthy masculine way, by responding positively to how they show up in the masculine ways we desire.
This comes from trusting his ability to follow through with our requests, or we might as well walk away.
In this day and age though, healthy masculinity is seen as almost unattainable, because of all of the different messages about masculinity.
This is mixed with men trying to keep up with what women want.
By not allowing men the space to show up in their masculine (what that means for him), we are pushing men into more passive roles and they are throwing up their arms.
In this passive role, we become more like mothers and lose sexual attraction and the loop continues.
A man craves to find a place for him in your life – if you want one.
If you cannot trust his ability to follow through and show up in the masculine way you desire, respect is lost and it’s best to seek out someone more compatible.
The Crisis of Shame in Being a Man
“As women, because men are often considered ‘bigger and stronger’, we date or relate on an offense and men a defense”, notes Armstrong. This keeps us both from the very love and connection we desire.
This can be best demonstrated in a fight. Men need to know that when you fight, you solve the problem together, and he’s not “ the problem,” Armstrong continues.
In turn, we find ourselves at an impasse, where both sexes are battling for the win and both are losing.
This has brought men to a crisis where men are feeling emasculated, and carrying deep shame and blame for just being men — like they are imposters in their skin.
Keep in mind that these are not literal truths. These are internalized truths communicated over a long period, says MenTherapy Toronto.
What do we do?
Men have their work, to heal their anger, rage, and shame—true — and many great coaches are doing that work with them, making a difference.
As women, we need to approach relating with men from a place of power for both of us.
Relating based on a place of fear and offense – brings women back to criticism, nagging, and wanting them to change — but weakness creates weakness.
Let’s begin from a place of power.
Men Need to Feel Appreciated.
The key to remember is that a man connected to his healthy, masculine self, knows who he is, what he wants, and where he is going.
He also has a healthy concept of his relationship with women, to build passion and intimacy.
One of the ways that women can support this, is to appreciate her man.
He needs to hear how he brings things to her life in a positive way, and he wants to know that what he brings to the table, is enough and you sincerely feel so.
He needs to know that what he is choosing for your relationship, is the right thing, and if it isn’t, he needs to know directly what it is and how to change it – getting to the point.
Men crave the experience of joy from their women, and it’s not something women can quite appreciate.
As women, we have a more natural inclination to find beauty and joy in our everyday, due to how we interact with the world, and notice things with our diffuse awareness.
So when there are opportunities to be joyful about our man’s character, personhood, and abilities, women give men the greatest gift.
This includes moments where you can boast about him to people you care about or celebrate small wins in otherwise trying times.
I can honestly say that saying something as small as, “I’m so grateful for…” to the man you care about is huge.
I have even appreciated my Dad recently.
When I told him I was grateful for his help with my doctor’s appointments, during my accident recovery this past spring, his face lit up.
I knew the support he offered me was outside the scope of most men with their adult children – and by this look, I think I made his year.
Men Need to Feel Free.
Of course, everyone needs to feel freedom in a relationship and no one likes restrictions from doing what they want.
Freedom is core to being a man; they do not need a tribe-like community like women to survive.
If a man feels constricted or controlled in a relationship, he will distance himself.
A man feels more masculine when the woman he loves gives him ownership of his decisions and doesn’t micromanage.
This is where the “house chore expert” analogy Dr. Tatkin created comes in.
In a long-term relationship, it’s good to discuss who is to be the “expert” at which jobs in the house, and free to do it as they see fit.
As women, we can micromanage how something is to be done.
With an expert, we give men the freedom to do the job as they see fit and everyone wins; as one example.
Now, if you need something done a certain way because it makes you feel more relaxed and peaceful, explain to him why you need it that way — how it will benefit the relationship.
Then leave him the freedom (and trust) to follow through with it.
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Men also love it when we ask for their input or help — sometimes they even offer it without asking.
Men crave being sought after for their wisdom and knowledge on a topic, even if it’s something small.
This all goes back to wanting to be useful to the people in their lives that they love.
They crave to know that what they are doing and creating is something women are happy with, and they thrive when we encourage them to do what makes them happy.
Men Need To Feel Opened Up To
Men experience their hearts through those of their partners and children.
For some men, emotionally connecting to their kids may feel safer than their partners.
When the woman a man cares about is emotionally closed off, he responds by shutting down.
Feeling coldness and distance from their partner makes it difficult for a man to gauge their partner’s state, and respond appropriately.
Men crave and thrive in their woman’s warmth, affection, and openness.
When emotional intimacy is safe, this “flow” will be easy, and physical intimacy will be quite passionate.
When women are open, our radiance shows, and men respond to our joy, sadness, and pain – they want to know that too.
This flow we offer, lets a man connect to his heart in ways he either can’t or won’t do in other relationships and the world.
When we can step into our warm, open, and affectionate selves it can be like a salve to his psyche and heart.
This realization can be triggering for us women, because we have been given messages from society that we must be pleasant, smiling, and quiet.
I’m in no way suggesting that. If anything (as noted above) silence and quiet will probably internally set him off, because he can’t read you.
However, it can often be a catch-22: women need emotional safety to open up and men experience emotional safety through women opening up to them.
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When it comes to physical affection and openness, many men don’t experience a “soft” world without the woman they love; that is why openness and affection are powerful offerings to them.
Ways we can remain open is to engage with things that have us “in our element” because that is where we feel our best – our men love this about us.
Life can get incredibly stressful, so returning to our most engaged selves requires tools.
Those can be tools our man can support us with or personal tools.
When we are engaged in the things that keep us open, being open and flowing in our relationship with our men is much easier.
Sometimes it may seem or feel that men “demand” this openness in a relationship, but one goes to the other.
We need to communicate why we don’t feel emotionally safe to open, which will help him contribute to changing the dynamic.
Repressing our emotions brings us back to our stoic selves, and men have no barometer for what women are feeling; it can even register as physical pain for men.
A Word On Sex
I’ve only learned in the last couple of years how important sex is to a man.
I often get triggered by this myself, because sex is very nuanced and is based on established emotional safety for women – which can change by the hour for some.
Even in a long-term relationship or marriage, if we feel coerced or obligated to have it, we have a visceral reaction in our bodies.
Something to keep in mind for the man you love:
When a woman that a man cares about is open to sex with him, it is the ultimate form of acceptance, and makes him feel like he is winning at the relationship.
Sex is the pinnacle of every other step and offering he’s given in the relationship:
It’s the confirmation that’s he’s not ‘nothing’.
Final Thoughts
We are all such complex people and these nuanced understandings of men, were important for me to consider.
I understand that relationships are not cut and dry, and they require honed communication skills, from both the woman and the man, lest they get triggered and spin off into oblivion.
I look forward to engaging with you in the comments.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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