It was difficult to drag oneself away from the crazed sturm und drang of the Republican National Convention in order to gaze in on what is known in Bachelor argot as “The Hometowns.”
Both entertainments feature a similar mode of transport—glistening SUVs in midnight black. Trump and Melania arrived in a fleet of the black cars. A similar vehicle drove into a Texas meadow to retrieve (save?) JoJo from the War Veteran Luke. Too much back and forth between channels would make you think that the townies at Luke’s party were the exact same peeps holding up “Make America Safe Again” signs in Cleveland.
In fact, Melania would make an amazing bachelorette if things don’t work out with whats-his-face.
Anyway, if Michael Bay wants to shoot any more movie scenes that represent the purity of America, please send him to Luke’s village and homestead, population about 35. Luke invites everyone in the town to JoJo’s welcome party and it still doesn’t look very crowded. They play something called “cornhole” which exists as described (throw corn in hole) and eat the greatest Barbeque JoJo’s ever tasted. It was cooked in an oversized grill (about the size and shape of Little Boy) on which someone had mounted giant steer horns.
Luke: get on Pinterest or start a decor mag, seriously
Grandpa claims that Luke can’t boil water, but the guy is a mastermind at craft projects.
Check this: he surprises JoJo with a couch made of bandanas and hay bales. They manage to kiss upon it right as the sun is gloriously setting. Luke wears a red and white checkered top with blue jeans and boots. Eat your heart out, Ralph Lauren. And he’s obsessed with JoJo’s white denim cut-offs. She’s a millennial Daisy Duke.
Luke leads her through a meadow and onto a path lined with mason jar votives. They head straight into a giant heart built from petals. Why don’t TVs have those little red “Pin it” buttons in the corner? Luke’s “heart is smiling.”
As JoJo understands it, they have a “silent chemistry,” i.e. a relationship built on “lust.” Which seems to be fading once they hang out with Grandpa, Luke’s fam and the rest of the apple dumpling gang. Finally, that black SUV pulls up to whisk JoJo out of Mayberry. Not sure which is more telegenic, Luke or that giant heart?
Jordan Rodgers is “Nobody’s Brother”—actually, he is Aaron Rodgers’ brother
The familial dynamics of the Rodgers brothers are best illuminated through consideration of The Baldwins, circa 1990s. Jordan is Billy. He should have been famous after Sliver and Backdraft (just like Jordan’s stint with the Jaguars, Bucs or Dolphins should have catapulted him to greatness.) But it just didn’t take—even though he’s the cute brother. Aaron is definitely the titan Alec. A certifiable movie star. And Jordan’s older brother, Luke is the slightly rotund Daniel Baldwin—the least famous. We don’t hear much from Luke’s blonde girlfriend—she is the Stephen Baldwin of this scenario.
Jordan tells JoJo that she doesn’t need to mention his brother Aaron (a man of inestimable fame). “It doesn’t need to be a topic,” he tells her. This must be why she immediately brings it up with the other brother. He responds with stony reticence. “I’m impressed he told you about that,” he mutters. Why won’t Aaron come to this amazing meet n’ greet with JoJo? The family apparently sets a place for Aaron at the table—even though they must know he isn’t coming?
The Rodgers live in a giant estate with impeccable grounds. They seem nice enough. So why is Jordan known as the “runaway?” His mom says he was always packing his backpack and making off to the edge of the grounds. Not daring a step further or she would call the police. Does superstar Aaron have something to do with all this?
JoJo finally claims that Jordan is “nobody’s brother.” However, celebrity quarterback, Aaron “Famous Person” Rodgers haunts the scene like Voldemort.
Robby was slapped last December
JoJo heads to Florida to meet Robby who asks her to whistle.
She does so and summons a horse and carriage driven by a man in a top hat. For a split second, it seems that man is James Taylor, guitarist and nostalgia broker. Alas, it’s just some other top-hatted carriage driver.
Here is the problem with Robby: on the one hand he is constantly proclaiming love for JoJo. On the other hand, he may have broken up with a woman named Hope just to come on the show. Why is this a big deal?
Robby’s mom gets involved. She has to let him know about the internet rumors, started by Hope’s roommate. It’s all so convoluted. What possible motive could this third party have?
This is all very difficult for JoJo to wade through. I mean, why, why (?!) is the roommate spreading this info? Robby explains that he broke up with Hope nine months before their actual break-up. And also, Hope slapped him across the face in December. Wait, what? JoJo kisses him and murmurs, “I trust you.”
None of these shenanigans make any sense.
What are “Children of Divorce” like as grown men?
Chase’s parents really did a number on him back when they got divorced and filed a bunch of lawsuits.
His parents still can’t be in the same room with each other. JoJo notes that Chase has a “huge wound.” You know what though? The Bachelorette has been totally healing. Perhaps it’s the presence of cameras? Chase finally asks his Dad why he married some lady who is not his mom and became the dad to a bunch of step-kids. His answer? Corporate ladders. Regrets. Etcetera.
Next they head to Chase’s mom’s. And guess what: step-dad. They all freely admit that “no one talks.” Chase’s mom says, “crying is not our style” just as a gorgeous tear bends along the curve of her son’s cheekbone. Chase is finally emoting. Finally!
He has never said the word “love” before. Because love leaves. Love hurts. Love will sue your mom. Love means having a stepfamily.
(Note to JoJo: Take Chase to the end or scar him forever. Your choice.)
Best-ever setting for a Rose Ceremony? Airport hangar
So Luke must’ve arrived early to help with set decoration because his fingerprints are all over this set piece for the rose ceremony. In a giant airplane hangar. Can’t you just hear the producer convo: “How can we ‘warm up’ a steel echo chamber?” Luke’s like, “I am so on this, people.”
“First, a red carpet leading to a small passenger plane. Next, we need a bunch of old crates, vintage suitcases, and maybe some military footlockers. Great. Now, kind of stack those. Random, but symphonic. Auce. Now add twenty red lanterns. Perf. It needs something though? I got it! Drape some thick fishnet rope over everything. Casablanca meets Pier 1. Pin it.”
JoJo arrives dripping in cobalt shimmer—a gown made of melancholia and sequin.
She tells us straight, dissolving all tension: Luke’s going home.
Not Luke! The audience screams collectively, and somehow (cosmic TV time-space wormhole) Luke hears them! Because he halts the ceremony and takes JoJo out to the runway for some one-on-one time. Jordan is pissed. Why didn’t he think of that?
Luke finally uses the word love instead of the word heart. He tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. Now all of the dudes have said it—and presumably meant it. Dilemma.
Oh Luke, you amazing, blue-jeaned cowboy war vet. Even your Dad tears up when he thanks you for your service.
JoJo: you cannot send this loverboy home. Put on your cowboy boots, grab Chase and Luke and hop on that airplane. Leave Jordan and Robby on the tarmac.
There’s something oddly beautiful about JoJo weeping in her blue dress, as if swathed in human emotion, the wind whipping through her hair. She must be one of just a handful of women on earth who has managed to cry on an airplane runway. Usually, no one is allowed out there unless they’re airport employees in reflector vests. The scene was so lush with heart break, you barely felt duped when “To Be Continued,” flashed on screen.
As if for a whole week, JoJo will sob. The roses will sit, untouched, in the hangar. And the four men will keep falling and falling into all that real love.
Source: 30dB.com – Luke Pell vs Jordan Rodgers
“Looks like Jordan’s Hail Mary pass may have caught at least Social’s attention who is behind the football brother over the handsome vet from the last few days.” – Howard K. 30dB
Photo: Getty Images
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