“Wouldn’t it have been great if the author had asked some questions that opened up the possibility that, socially, things aren’t so terrible for dads?” — Andy Hines
The main problem with this piece is the title: Rise of the Dad Wars. As if the late reemergence of the ridiculous coinage “Mommy Wars” weren’t enough, the author (or maybe her editor) trotted out a version with TruckNutz attached. The use of the war metaphor has the opposite if its intended effect in this case. Instead of making the ‘controversy’ seem more serious, it just draws attention to its relative frivolity.
The article itself isn’t bad, just superficial. There is a narrative–that dads are treated as second-class parents in our society–and it never wavers from the course. It may be helpful for someone who had never heard of a stay-at-home-dad, or for whom the idea of an involved father was foreign, but otherwise it’s a collection of the standard gripes that dads have about playground isolation.
Although as a SAHD myself I’ve very seldom felt singled out in a negative way among moms, I don’t doubt that the stories of the dads quoted were true. But wouldn’t it have been great if the author had asked some questions that opened up the possibility that, socially, things aren’t so terrible for dads? I can’t imagine that it would have been too difficult to find some outliers who felt comfortable and accepted among moms, or who actually had networks of dads that they hung out with.
Now you men ought to understand how women feel when you all try to paint dads as more important to daughters’ self esteem. It’s funny how in this country, we say ouch when someone steops on that big toe. Now, can we all just agree, that the role of stay at home parent is good when mom or dad does it. And which ever parent communicates, talks to, and spends time with the daughter and the son is the one who helps there self esteem. The mom does not have control over the stay at home job and the dad… Read more »
You’ve missed the point. It’s not a diss of moms. The point is, neither mothers nor fathers are to be considered spare, as if kids do just as well with one of them, as opposed to having both of them. They don’t. Fathers are not dispensible. If girls don’t have their dads in their lives, if they only have their moms, they are missing out on a relationship that has unique benefits. Statistics show that girls benefit from having both a mother AND a father, not just a mother. Single moms, sometimes through no fault of their own, carry the… Read more »
I think Eric M. has some good points here. Calling someone a “primary parent” can sound a little dismissive to whoever the “other” parent is, or at the very least it is too big a term to be fair to every situation. If two parents are divorced and one has custody 90% of the time, I’d call that person a “primary parent.” If there are two parents in the same house who work for a paycheck and both get home about the same time the kids get out of school, then it’s hard to say that one is the “primary”… Read more »
Jean: “Now you men ought to understand how women feel when you all try to paint dads as more important to daughters’ self esteem.”
What do you by “you men”? Who here has been trying to paint dads as more important to daughters’s self esteem?
I struggled to read the rest of your comment thanks to your generalizations. Next time, don’t paint “us men” with a broad brushstroke.
Why is my comment under moder….
Oh never mind.
From my personal experience with my husband and his brother in dealing with the family court, which IMHO is all important. Asking your wife NOW who is primary parent is unimportant. Ask her just before you step into court during your divorce. Pretty sure her answer will change. AND so will the courts opinion. My Bob Geldof right a great piece a while back about his experience where he was told by a court clerk to NEVER tell the judge he loves his kids. “Bob Geldof: “Going into the court, litterally opening the door, a well meaning clerk passed me… Read more »
I have worked from home for the better part of the last five years. Does that make me the “Primary Parent?” Or, is Mrs. Eric M. the “primary parent” since she has chosen to not work? Do our kids know that one of us is primary and the other is secondary? That term and concept is seriously demeaning to the “secondary parent.” Why does it seem that in so many articles on fatherhood that full time stay at home fathers are implied to be better/superior fathers compared to those of us who work full time? Neither of my daughters would… Read more »
Every home is different. In yours, both you and your wife seem to be a constant physical presence in your kids’ everyday lives. That’s great for them. My husband works very hard, in an office outside the home. He has to leave the house before the rest of us wake up and usually isn’t home until dinnertime. He sometimes has to be out of town for a week at a time traveling. This week that meant that — though I’ve been sick for days and my doctor would have preferred that I be in bed trying to recover — I… Read more »
You’re wife works outside the home, you stay at home full time with the kids. I get it. Hope you feel better soon.
Eric, I can see how the articles imply that working in an office somehow delineates you from parenthood. It seems like they’re all saying they became better parents as a result of staying home. However, don’t forget that they have partners who DO work in some remote area. Taking that into account, I doubt they’re diminishing their partners’ – or any parent’s – role in their children’s lives. I think the article’s main contention is that society as a whole should not generalize any individual’s lifestyle when it comes to parenting – NOT that parents who work and raise their… Read more »
Stating by inference (using the term primary parent) that ones spouse is the secondary parent DOES diminish them. There is simply no getting around that. Glorifying men who stay at home as somehow superior to those of us who work and still maintain equally strong relationships with our children does imply that we are lesser. I get that it’s a reaction to feeling looked down upon but still.
They need to stop worrying about what other people think so much. If they can’t do that themselves, how are they going to teach their kids to deal with peer pressure?
Now this is good writing about real life. Five great pieces on fatherhood in one place. I’m not a dad, but if I were, I would hope to be like one of these guys. Thanks, gentlemen. I’m just curious if you see a change in demands or expectations about “staying at home” versus “working outside the home” as your kids get older? Specifically, I’m wondering if, as your kids grow up a little, you feel the same need to be already at home when they get out of school. I was a latchkey kid from a pretty young age, and… Read more »