Every single couple goes through relationship problems. Dating is hard, living together is even harder, and marriage might just seem impossible at times. Knowing which problems actually matter and when to bring them up is a continually evolving dance between partners. There are no fool proof plans that work 100 percent of the time but knowing your partner is your greatest resource. There is, however, one thing you absolutely should avoid that will save you and your partner a great deal of stress.
When your partner brings an issue to your attention, stay on that issue until there is a resolution. Make sure your partner feels fully heard and understood. After that, move on to putting those resolutions into action and connecting. Do not use that time to bring up issues of your own. This strategy is a recipe for disaster.
“You may doubt yourself and your feelings about the topic and wonder if it’s a big enough deal to even address at all.”
It takes courage to bring an issue to your attention. The partner who begins the conversation will likely be feeling insecure and anxious. Talking about problems is difficult and can feel scary. You may doubt yourself and your feelings about the topic and wonder if it’s a big enough deal to even address at all. They came to the conclusion that it is worth doing the work to fix and is risking rejection from the person they love. They say ignorance is bliss but in this type of situation it is one sided. One partner may feel ignorant while the other is being chipped away at. Couples who don’t talk are doomed to fail.
“What was once full of hope and happiness will become mundane and empty.”
I’ll define failure in two ways. The first, and most obvious, is the dissolution of the relationship. If too many problems pile up without notice, attention, or resolution, then the love vs stress scale will become unbalanced and the relationship will end. The second is, you will have a miserable relationship. What was once full of hope and happiness will become mundane and empty. The commitment and basic duty may remain, but any love or affection will be forced and insincere. In my estimation, option 2 is far worse than option 1.
“Do not use that discomfort as an opportunity to bring up other issues.”
One way to avoid either of those unimaginable fates is to willingly engage with problems as they come. If you see a problem that needs work, address it. Do so, with love and integrity. When your partner brings a problem to you, try to do the same. Do not use that discomfort as an opportunity to bring up other issues. Doing so tells your partner that you don’t care as much about their issue as you do about yours, and that you didn’t even care enough about your issue to bring it up organically. See how maddening that can be when your partner worked up the courage to begin the conversation to begin with. You’re signaling that you think her/his problem is so meaningless that it doesn’t even deserve its time in the sun.
We know that is likely not what you were trying to do. It is, however, what you are doing. I have been guilty of this myself. I thought, that since we are already here, in this uncomfortable, vulnerable space that I might as well just unload also. Logical, perhaps, efficient, theoretically, but it is an unintentional red herring that only serves to disconnect you from your loved one. Give the issue at hand your full attention. Be comfortable with sitting in that discomfort. Do it for them. You weren’t willing to do it for yourself but you can find the strength to do it for the one you love.
Your issues and problems assuredly matter also. You chose not to address them so don’t take the momentum away from your loved one. If there is an invitation by your partner at the end to bring up issues, then use that opportunity. Otherwise focus on connection and reciprocation in that moment. Later on, in a few days perhaps, or at the next organic opportunity, bring up the issues you are seeing.
“This kind of love and reciprocation will feel so different from anything you have ever experienced before.”
Give your partner the opportunity to grow and adapt to make your situation better the same way you are doing for them. This kind of love and reciprocation will feel so different from anything you have ever experienced before. Do this enough times and it might just completely change the dynamic of your relationship. It will build trust and connection with your partner and within yourself.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Sarah Kilian on Unsplash
