The online world of dating and relationship advice is vast these days.
So much so, that it can be difficult to tell whose knowledge is right, real, blowing smoke, leading with divisive language, based on tactics, and whose goal it is to bring peace and connection to your relational life.
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Being someone who is always looking to level up in my relationships, I have explored a variety of knowledge from different people, and have identified those who show prowess in the skills and success of individuals and couples.
With the growing knowledge of the role of neuroscience and the nervous system in our romantic life, any coach worth their salt includes this in their content.
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My goal is to present people who work with women and men, who take a more holistic approach of understanding, and connection when working with people. They do not use language that shames or blames but invite inquiry through compassionate accountability.
I may write a post like this in two parts, because there are great ones out there, who often get lost in the overwhelming stream of salacious content.
I will give you some details that make these people stand out, and link you up!
Let’s dig in!
Mark Groves – Create the Love
Mark Groves is a Human Connection Specialist from Alberta, Canada, who also runs a podcast called The Mark Groves Podcast.
Mark takes a unique approach to helping people in their life and their love life.
Mark appeals to men and women, with his neutral content and down-to-earth nature on social media and in his podcast.
His language is relatable and he invites interesting people to interview on creating a life to love.
Mark uses a combination of the roles of the brain and heart in developing secure relationships, dating, and in the long term.
He and his wife Kylie, share their life-changing evolution from an intense, year-long breakup, to the secure and evolved marriage they now have; you can find this episode here.
“I’m here to tell my truth,” Groves notes on his site. He gets to the bottom of what matters in all areas of relationships.
If you’re looking for something fun for date night or to “dig deeper” with friends, Groves also has “Create the Love Cards”. I have used them both with friends and when dating. There are excellent categories and questions! The cards are shown below and can be purchased on Amazon.
Mark can be found on all socials.
Jayson Gaddis – The Relationship School
Jayson Gaddis is a relationship and human behavior expert who focuses on resolving conflict and repair skills, through his organization The Relationship School.
He has sat with people from every walk of life and personal situation.
Gaddis is open about his struggle as a self-professed, prior “unavailable man”, to his now 12-year secure marriage with his wife Ellen (Boeder). He explained that it took two major breakups for him to get real with himself, commit, and show up in their relationship, before marriage.
Gaddis has two podcasts as well. One for the Relationship School and another (older podcast) called The Smart Couple (Boeder sometimes joins as well) Podcast.
He keeps a regular YouTube channel on relationships, in which I attach a great interview he did with Warren Farrell, PhD (author of the controversial, Why Men Are the Way They Are) on Raising Boys Without Dads.
Gaddis addresses everything from working through relational trauma, conflict, communication, marriage, dating, parenthood, accountability, and mental health in relationships, amongst other topics. He also shares his strategies for success in becoming emotionally “unstuck.”
His newest output (one I have quoted in several articles), is the Wall Street Journal’s bestselling book, Getting Back to Zero, which focuses on improving repair skills, in your “high-stakes relationships.”
Gaddis sometimes offers free Zoom conferences, to learn or deepen your conflict resolution skills. Sign up for his newsletter, for these rare opportunities.
Gaddis can be found on most socials.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
I first discovered Stan, on a podcast interview, by Jayson Gaddis and The Relationship School. I was struggling with some triggers in my relationship at the time, and found great value in this video, found here.
After that video, I took a deep dive into Tatkin’s work and began reading his books Wired for Dating and We Do.
If you like to nerd out on human behavior science, the nervous system, trauma, and its role in relationships, like me, Tatkin is for you.
Tatkin uses the principles of attachment theory, proprioception, neuroception (the term originally coined by Stephen Porges, an expert in Polyvagal Theory), biology, and neurobiology as the premise for his work with singles, early couples, and long-term relationships.
In his 40 years working with couples, he can often tell, with great accuracy, whether their relationship will survive on first meeting.
Tatkin’s work is inclusive, working with heterosexual and LGBTQ2AI+ couples, as he notes in his books.
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Wired for Dating offers a look into discovering the kind of dater you are. More specifically, how your brain, nervous system, and subconscious date.
He uses terms like anchor(secure), island (avoidant), and wave (anxious). He discusses the pros and cons of these types, and how they interact when dating.
Tatkin also discusses the importance of how the brain uses primitives (in the background) and ambassadors (advocates and solves problems) in our day-to-day lives.
In our dating, we want our primitives to be of primary use, to build secure bonds. Ambassadors should only be used to work out difficulties and used for a short time.
If your ambassadors are used too much in your relationship, how you relate has to change. He explains that conflict has to be addressed in small chunks, going in and out of the problem, lest those experiences set into your long-term memory.
He further states that if early couples spend too much time in conflict, without full resolution, the ambassadors can get exhausted.
Getting to know your “brain on dating”, along with your primitives and ambassadors, helps you choose a better-fitting partner.
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Tatkin is also a teacher and proponent of creating a “secure, functioning relationship.” This means, that each person in the relationship, is in the care of the other, with acceptance, love, belonging, and safety, as the core focus.
This demands different things from what we are used to in romantic relationships, as we must be prepared to advocate for ourselves and our partners, together.
Further, Tatkin discusses the importance of treating a relationship like a business. Think of it this way:
A business is based on agreements of conduct – Especially when there’s a contract.
How we operate and behave in relationships, must also be based on agreements of conduct – lest your primitives get overwhelmed and ambassadors have to take charge.
This is less romantic of course, but in his 40 years working with couples, this is by far what causes the biggest issues.
Tatkin highly recommends taking couples therapy before marriage, to deal with some of these head-on, to make sure you both choose the right partner and value the same things.
These concepts are mostly discussed in his book. We Do .
Lastly, Tatkin runs an organization called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy), which is trademarked and branded.
For those who wish to learn more about how he works with couples, you can access his programs and work with him in one-on-one therapy.
You can find Tatkin on most socials.
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Matthew Hussey
Matthew Hussey is a well-known British dating coach who for years focused on dating strategies for women. He gave women a unique lens into the thinking processes of men and included one of the first texting guides during the dating process (this can be found on his website).
His first book Get the Guy, was a national bestseller and resonated with women everywhere.
What I love about Matthew Hussey, is that his content is ever-evolving, and now into a more gender-neutral approach to helping people in their dating lives, with an added component to finding happiness in life itself.
He addresses these topics on his podcast Love Life, with his brother Steven and now wife Audrey. They address relationship issues that resonate with most people.
Hussey has been live on television, interviewed on many podcasts, runs live retreats, and provides a few information freebies on his website.
You can find Hussey’s most recent work, in his book Love Life, and can find him on all socials.
Dr. Alexandra Solomon, PhD
Dr. Alexandra Solomon is a licensed therapist, speaker, and author. She has written and been mentioned in articles for publications such as Psychology Today, The New York Times, Vox, The Atlantic, Bustle, and Newsweek, among many others.
She is a professor at Northwestern University and has published multiple research articles on relationships.
I first came across Solomon’s work on Instagram through my reel feed. I was instantly drawn to the nuanced way she addressed relationship questions, from a compassionate and accountable place. She is openly inclusive with her content and language and does not shy away from questions of every type.
I invested in her book Loving Bravely, which looks at how these key parts influence who you date: your family of origin, intersection of cultural identity, gaps in understanding sexual health through respect and celebration, emotional regulation, and working with beliefs. She encourages people to go “meta” on their relational awareness with these topics, which is the key to building lasting relationships.
Relational-awareness, is the experience of “being with” yourself and your partner, however you interact. She states there are “five pillars” of relational awareness: self-reflection, self-knowledge, sexual self-awareness, self-expression, and self-expansion. All of these can be found on her website and her content.
Solomon delves into the nuances of relationships, in an otherwise polarizing narrative in our current culture.
You can find Solomon on her blog, podcast Reimaging Love, her other books, and most socials.
A New Perspective
It is easy to look for advice on relationships that blame the opposite (or same) sex people who cause us pain. There is immediate validation in this and almost vindication at times; especially when we learn they are in pain too.
This doesn’t change our relationship problems or the root of the pain. We get stuck in a loop, projecting our issues onto the next person (or several) we date or fall in love with, not caring about the fallout in our wake.
The relationship advice these people provide pulls us out of our demise and is not for the faint of heart. They call us to own our baggage, and be better versions of ourselves, through inquiry, reflection, and accountability, so we can show up fully in our relational life.
Until next time,
Cheers.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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