Dating Can Be a Bear — Is the Problem Me or Is It You?

I have been single often, and currently for a very long time. To quote Taylor Swift, I’m The Problem.

Only not entirely. The rest of the problem is dating “norms” that change with the times, as well as — let’s just say it — the men I’ve dated.

In spite of my concerns about certain types of men and their approaches to dating me, I take full responsibility for the dating and relationship decisions that led me to this juncture of long-term singleness.

One where I’m happy, busy, fulfilled and continually growing. One where I also would like to have a partner and may finally be ready.

I’m aware I’ve chased men off with chips on my shoulder, guardedness, over-enthusiasm too early, and probably a slew of other faults outside my awareness. When I’ve become aware of the stumbling blocks I scatter along the road to relationship, I’ve worked on changing and improving.

I’ll continue to work on improving when someone I’m dating makes me aware of the need. It will help if they do it, too.

Awareness and willingness to change are key.

When something I’m doing is a true problem for you in our relationship, tell me. One long-term relationship told me, “Carol, when you yell at me, I can’t hear you.”

I stopped yelling.

He left anyway, as he was juggling three women. My yelling or not yelling didn’t change his cheating ways, but at least I learned yelling isn’t helpful in communication. He also told me,

“Carol, you back me into a corner and hold a mirror up to me and I can’t look into it.”

Dating norms played a part in my many years of being single, too

I didn’t date much in high school. Girls in my home town married their high school sweethearts, sometimes after getting pregnant by them, and stayed in our stifling, small, conservative Texas town.

I refused that fate.

I valiantly fought off boys and my own libido and won.

Years later I found out I was almost the only virgin in my graduating class. One guy on a date told me his friend said he was sure I would have sex with someone who would go steady with me. I had gone steady with that advice giver when we were 12, and at least I was quite innocent, so how he thought he “knew” such a thing is a mystery.

I met my future husband when I was 18 and a senior in high school. He was 23. We married the end of my freshman year of college, so I didn’t date in college either. I presume it would have been much the same, only with sex. Which I was having with my husband, so I wasn’t missing out.

He left me for another woman when I was twenty-six, and I was thrust into the chaotic dating scene of the days of sexual liberation. I no longer had to fight my own libido, but I still had to ward off intense sexual advances.

In case you weren’t there, it was a time when women finally had the freedom to have sex with whomever they wanted, and were still constantly pressured into doing so by nearly every man we encountered or dated, because they thought, “Hey you did it with that guy — or your husband — why not with me? It’s not like you’re a virgin.”

How do I know they thought that? They said it to me. Many of them.

Men telling me things about me seems to be a pattern

I told my male therapist once that men are afraid of me.

He answered, “Oh Carol, I’m sure that’s not true.”

“They tell me,” I affirmed.

I’m guessing the guy who told me he couldn’t look into the philosophical mirror I held up to him was afraid of me for that reason. That I’m bawdy with a big laugh might be another. I suspect I challenge some men.

It’s fine to tell me you’re afraid of me. As long as that opens the discussion as to why. The why tells me more about your concerns and inner workings, and gives me a chance to modify my approach and style of communication with you.

If you don’t know or can’t verbalize what’s scary about me, then perhaps, in the words of the country song,

“You Just Might Have to Be a Stronger Man.”

Or maybe try therapy.

A recent ex told me I needed to wear spanx under a dress. Also that I wasn’t as beautiful, or even as pretty, as women he had dated previously.

That’s why he’s an ex.

Even though he broke up with me when I’d finally had enough and yelled at him.

It’s quite all right to tell me you can’t hear me when I yell. I shouldn’t be yelling in the first place.

If you don’t like my looks, though, don’t date me.

Does any of this sound harsh? Here’s the deal, though. Please tell me things about you that are important and that I need to know for our relationship to flourish.

Please tell me things I can change or alter in my behavior to help the relationship and communication to improve. Also, please tell me what you do like about me.

Please refrain from telling me to change my look or my style. I’m flamboyant, and if you hate that, I’m not the woman for you.

I’m not a visual artist. I’m a writer. However, I treat my face, hair, clothing and accessories as my visual art project. That won’t change.

Please don’t try to outwit me psychologically. I’m a therapist. I’ve had more than ten uears of my own therapy. If a relationship with someone self-actualized is too challenging for you, perhaps seek your own therapist to work out why.

In fact, don’t make anything in our relationship into a competition. Relationships are about supporting one another, not defeating one another. Dating is for finding joy and companionship, not a person to make into a project, or someone to outwit.

You do your best you, and I’ll do my best me, and then maybe we’ll get to do each other.

Tell me I’m wrong.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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