Dating in Modern Days Is Awful for One Specific Reason

“So, how was the date?”

I asked my cousin, who went out yesterday with the boy of her dreams.

She had been talking to me all week about how excited she was about this date. She prepared herself physically and mentally for it because it had been long since anyone asked her out despite being a great catch. I was so happy for her that calling her to know about it was the first thing I did in the morning when I woke up.

“I don’t know,” she answered.

I was confused. “What do you mean you don’t know? You must know if you liked how someone treated you. Wasn’t he what you expected?”

For someone who has been with the same person for practically his entire adulthood because I was lucky enough to be with my institute sweetheart, the dating world is a bit unfamiliar to me.

“No, no, he was fine. I thought we had an excellent time. He was a gentleman. But we haven’t talked again, so I think I should forget about him and focus on the next.”

And that was it.

Maybe she didn’t meet all his requirements for a “good possible partner.” Maybe she had some red flags or things that scared him. Maybe she was fine and showed him she knew what she wanted, but he wasn’t interested in something so serious. Maybe she showed him she cared too much.

But she would never know because they never texted each other again (even if she wanted to).

And that’s horrible and depressing.

Dating today is a soulless game.

These days, dating is a calculated game. It seems more like a job interview than a way to find a partner to have a good time with.

You should wear specific clothes that show you are worth it, depending on who you go out with (I have friends who tell me they don’t go on a second date with men who don’t wear suits and ties). You should mention your best qualities, speak moderately, don’t seem interested, and always offer to pay the bill, whether a man or a woman.

On many occasions, you can’t even show your true personality so as not to “scare” the other person away.

I’ve met people who tell me they have a specific dating script. They say exactly the same thing every time and explain how it’s worked for them depending on who they’ve dated.

It’s like you have to take a psychology course focused on single people’s behaviors. You have to be able to read the other person’s expressions to know what your next move is. You have to act accordingly to succeed in what you want and be open to whatever outcome you get after it.

Do you know what the problem is in all this?

That thanks to all these requirements of the “perfect date,” we have forgotten about just spending a good time. Having a connection and being really interested in getting to know the other person has taken a backseat.

No one really wants to see if the other person can be the love of their life. They just want to prove that they are so worth it that the other person would like to go on another date.

We’ve turned dating into a soulless game of who is a better match.

And if you try to change the pattern and be different, you will be labeled as intense because you care too much.

When my cousin told me about her date, I was speechless. It didn’t feel organic. It all felt extremely planned. They went to dinner and talked about their goals, family, pets, friends, and work. He paid the bill, lent her his jacket, and walked her home.

It all seemed too calculated. As if they had both done this a hundred times before, and this was just one of the many dates they would continue having.

We are not allowed to feel because we don’t want to give others the power to damage us.

I asked my cousin why she didn’t text the guy after the date if she was looking forward to talking to him so much, and she told me that was forbidden in modern dating.

“Showing someone that you had feelings after a first date is wrong. We are giving that other person the power to hurt us.”

If someone wants to win over another person, he or she should try to act as selfless as possible.

How does this make sense?

When did showing love and bringing down the moon on another person become an act to run away from? And why would another person decide to hurt another just to show love?

When my parents fell in love, extreme displays of love were considered that one person was interested in winning the other over.

My father met my mother on a rainy day when she and her sister had to take shelter under a canopy in a park to stay dry. He and his best friend offered them a ride. My father couldn’t stop thinking about that girl he brought home, and the next day, he went to her house again to ask her out.

Nowadays, if you do something like that, you will be considered crazy. That you lack self-love. Or that you don’t know how to have limits.

I know there is a fine line between showing interest and love-bombing, but many people don’t know how to differentiate one from the other. And if you want to find a partner someday, you better never show him you’re a little intense.

Finding love is not a satisfactory adventure anymore; it is just a business transaction.

Modern dating has taken the fun out of getting to know someone. I’ve known people to use a dating app even if they’re “out of hope” just because they want to meet their social quota.

But what’s the point of dating thousands of people if you’re not in the mindset to find someone?

Because going on dates, even if they’re not interested, makes them feel like they’re doing something for themselves. And it gives them the power to say that the problem is others, and not them for not trying.

I’ve seen videos of women complaining that the guy they dated didn’t even try to be nice. They’re sick of women on dating apps. And I understand both points of view; men are tired of shallow women who aren’t focused on even having a conversation, and women are tired of men who are half-heartedly trying.

But I think the biggest problem is feeling like we have thousands and thousands of other options, and that’s why we’re not interested in putting effort into the person in front of us.

I’m sure the date would have been different if my cousin or the guy she dated had in mind that they were the only single people on earth. But neither of them felt it was worth the effort beyond the first date because “there are more fish in the sea.”

Finding love isn’t an adventure or trying hard to get the person in front of you; it’s a business transaction. We want to be the best asset. We want others to see us as worthwhile, but we’ve lost what’s really important: the person in front of us.

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If I had to be honest, I would be terrified of dating right now. I’m a person who feels too much. I value communication a lot. I can’t just date someone for the sake of dating, show them I don’t care, and then play hard to get them interested in me. I feel it is ridiculous, stupid, and pointless.

We have turned finding the love of our lives or happiness into a transaction or business to the point that we have lost the real meaning of what we are doing.

Dating is supposed to be a way to find out if two people are compatible and if there is a real attraction between them, not an interview of who brings more to the table and what I can offer you so you realize I am worth it.

If meeting the love of my life and the person I’m willing to spend my whole life with is going to depend on how disinterested I am or how many things I “bring to the table” instead of how I am as a person or how interested I am in you, then I would never believe in love again if I find myself in that situation.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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