Dating Runs on Chemistry, Marriage Runs on Character

I will tell you of the time that the difference between chemistry and character really sank in for me. No, it wasn’t some huge fight, and it wasn’t early in our relationship. It actually happened a couple of years into my marriage on one of those brain-numbing days where everything went sideways (for no good reason), and I came home late, tired and irritated.

When I walked in, not really in the mood for the usual small talk, my wife took one look at me and didn’t ask a single unnecessary question. She just calmly said,
“Go shower. I have got everything else.”

If that wasn’t healthy communication, I don’t know what is. Anyway, I believe that calm, grounded reaction to me at that time made such an impact on me because also I remember how our story started with all the early dating phase sparks and banter that usually convince people they have finally cracked the code.

Back then, I probably believed that chemistry alone meant that we were meant to be together forever, too.

As it turns out, it took an ordinary evening, seeing her calmly take the weight off my shoulders, that brought a realization I wish I had known earlier in life: chemistry is only what gets you close. I can tell you that this interaction taught me more about love than anything we ever felt in the early stages.

The real test of a healthy marriage, I believe, is in how your partner treats you without an audience, and they don’t need applause, and perhaps it is even a little inconvenient or unfair, but they are still there for you all the same. That is how you see who you actually married.

“As it turns out, it was an ordinary evening seeing her calmly take the weight off my shoulders brought the realization I wish I had known earlier in life.”

The funny thing about modern dating

Everyone acts like they are auditioning, but it is for a role they don’t really understand; they all want something “real,” but most who say it are still picking partners the way they pick desserts.

“With dating, partners have room to hide and show only their best angles.”

Chemistry also makes it easy, unfortunately. “Unfortunately,” because it provides that rush that makes people ignore clearly visible relationship red flags.

Chemistry has the power to make a terrible idea feel like destiny, but still, there is nothing inherently wrong with chemistry. It is one of those things that keep life interesting, like the way it can accelerate your falling for someone really hard before you even learn their middle name. It is just that when it comes to marriage, choosing the right partner is a different ball game entirely.

“Longed for him. Got him. Shit.” — Margaret Atwood

Why marriage is a whole different league

It is a different league, because to have a healthy marriage, character (not normally found on dating profiles) plays the biggest role. For instance, can they stay calm when life is being unreasonable, or do they simply shut down the instant things stop going their way? These are the types of stuff that make for long-term partnership.

With dating, partners have room to hide and show only their best angles, and they can even schedule their charm in two-three hour blocks, but none of those qualify for the label of what makes a marriage last.

Marriage isn’t fooled by a couple of hours of scheduled charm or highlight reels, because you are there every morning when both of you are perhaps still not properly rested, and nobody is pretending anymore. Marriage feels how you talk during misunderstandings, how you apologize, how you handle pressure, how you respect each other, whether or not you can have comfortable silences… everything.

“To be fully seen by somebody, then, and be loved anyhow – this is a human offering that can border on miraculous.” — Elizabeth Gilbert

Finding that sweet middle ground

What most people discover too late about character in relationships is that you can marry someone you had insane chemistry with, and still come to find out they only have the emotional range of a 13-year-old, but then you can also marry someone who checks every moral box, and you still feel like you are living with a mere polite roommate.

Now, the sweet middle ground (as I like to call it), which is also the hard part, is when you manage to choose that special someone whose character you trust, and whose presence feels alive in your relationship, not just obligatory.

Where some people get trapped

I have been there before, too, but luckily it didn’t get to marriage. What happens is people confuse the dating chemistry with marriage character or long-term relationship compatibility.

We, assuming that chemistry alone will form the foundation of a lasting marriage, and will magically exist throughout its duration in its initial electric form, is our first fatal flaw, because it won’t. A lot of it will fade. Character, however, settles in, and if the character is shaky, the whole thing wobbles… nonstop… forever.

So, if you really want something real, start paying attention to even subtle relationship habits and what happens whenever the spark cools for a minute and really see who they are then and also who you are then. And know that is the version you will be living with in the “till death do us part” stage.

“Chemistry will get you in the door, character decides whether you stay.”

Why many breakups aren’t about love at all

You may be surprised to know that many breakups aren’t about love running out. What then? They are about character finally becoming unmistakable. So, people don’t fall out of love; they just get tired of tolerating who the other person always was.

Keep your chemistry, however, because it still matters, but if you are planning to share a life with someone, then you need to have realistic expectations. Always look closely at the “boring” stuff: how they handle stress, how they treat people who can’t really give them anything, and their reliability when it counts, not just when it is fun. They are how you really know.

“So, people don’t fall out of love; they just get tired of tolerating who the other person always was”

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And if you ever want a relationship that doesn’t feel like a gamble, remember this: true love isn’t built when it all feels magical, but when nothing does, and you still choose each other anyway.

This may not sound all that poetic, but it is one secret of sustainable love, and a truth that people highlight when they are finally done learning the hard way.

“Marriage feels how you talk during misunderstandings, how you apologize, how you handle pressure, how you respect each other, whether or not you can have comfortable silences… everything.”