I started dating in the Dark Ages, into the Anything Goes Ages, ending in the No One Knows What We’re Doing Ages
From:
“Wear a panty girdle on dates so the boy can’t get to your vjay jay,” when I was 13.
Presumably that rule meant they couldn’t get through the panty girdle with their fingers, or maybe the theory was boys would give up because unrolling a panty girdle was too much trouble. It was. Fortunately they were entirely out of style the next year.
To:
“If it feels good do it, if it wants to let it”, and “Let it all hang out” by the time I was 15.
To, there are no rules, but someone will judge you no matter what you do or don’t do.
They were the best of times, they were the worst of times.
How to say no without saying no in the dark ages through anything goes
After the fumbling attempts of boys to get round the panty girdle, then I learned and practiced all the hand blocking techniques required by dating wearing the barely there clothes of the sixties and seventies.
I required myself to keep a constant damper on my own sexuality — it wasn’t just the boys who had raging hormones.
Without those panty girdle protections, I didn’t want to risk getting pregnant and being stuck in my oppressive small Texas town. The only guarantee was to stay a virgin. I even stopped dating my junior year to take away all temptaion.
I discovered at a reunion that I was the only virgin left in my grade by senior year of high school. Oddly enough, I was the one with the reputation — as a “tease”.
Then I met the “older man’, 23 to my 18, and my virgin days were over. It was a tremendous relief!
I married him, he cheated a lot, I was too innocent to really know until I wasn’t, and we divorced when I was 26, after 7 years of marriage.
Back Into the dating fray where no is maybe and maybe is yes
I was abruptly thrust into a world of “Hey, I know you’re not a virgin, why won’t you come home with me?”
“You had sex with him, why not with me?”
“I know how to make you feel better after your divorce.”
Misogynistic and gross pick-up lines.
At the same time, I was looking for validation after the trope of being left for another woman — whom he also cheated on, but that’s a different story. I wasn’t stupid, but I did say yes often — to better come-ons and lines than the ones above. I had some standards, and I had catching up to do.
It was the seventies through the early eighties. Sex availability was everywhere, and saying yes was expected. Even demanded.
From my ages 13 to 26 — less than a generation — times and sexual expectations had changed completely.
Years later I became single again, this time as a single mother
Dating apps weren’t invented yet. All we had were actual newspaper ads for singles. Yeah, it was weird af and I’m old af.
I don’t remember much from those situations except one. A guy who came to my house for dinner, then sat on his ass at the table while I did all the clearing and cleaning up. His being related to a famous member of a singing group didn’t make up for his assumption of gender roles.
That was my only date from advertisements. For good reason.
Others I met in a club where I went dancing. One I met at a garage sale. When there was chemistry and consent, we hooked up. It was much more complicated as a single mother with no back-up except my parents who lived two hours away.
Some I dated were gentlemen. Some had common sense.
However, some thought having sex in my home while my child was there was acceptable. Some pretended to be interested in relationship and in helping me with my young son. Others clearly weren’t. Were any of them for real?
One very promising man taught Sunday School at Unity Church where I was youth director. Yeah, I’m full of dichotomies and surprises.
He was perfect. He adored my son. He was older, had been to my therapist which endeared him to me, and was very gentlemanly. Even my father liked him!
I wanted to wait for a short time — a couple of months or so — to have sex. He agreed.
Until one weekend he went camping alone. He called the next day and said, “I wanted to let you know I was hiking and met a former girlfriend on the trail. We had sex and decided to get back together.”
Damned if I do and damned if I don’t
It wasn’t the first time the hypocrisy of various dating zeitgeists and made-up rules hit me where it hurt, nor would it be the last, but it was the most impactful.
Even today, in my “golden years”, there is pressure to have sex on a first date, especially on dates from dating apps. My friends and I have had dates with men who wanted sex on the first date, and never returned if we said no.
From when girls were never supposed to say yes to sex, to the days guys were shocked or offended when girls or women said no, I waffled. There are no rules, but someone will judge no matter what we do.
Today we can say yes or no. But if we say no, some men ghost us, and if we say yes, they may or may not come back. If they do come back for the sex, it may never become more than that. It may not even become consistent sexual encounters.
I like sex. A lot. So do many other women. And men. The rules shouldn’t be this complicated. Even when there are no clear rules.
We women must make our own rules. Most important, we must stop imposing those rules or the rules of the patriarchy on other women. Empowerment comes with choice.
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This post was previously published on New Choices.
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