Meeting people today is easy.
In the world of social media and dating apps, we have (1) more options, (2) an easier time staying in touch, and (3) theoretically more access to relationships.
But in actuality, it doesn’t seem to be this way.
Modern dating is a completely different world.
But why?
Culprit #1 — “Dating” remains undefined
The sole purpose of dating used to be finding a partner to marry (or at the very least, commit to for a long period of time).
Dating wasn’t so much ‘dating’ as it was courting.
That is, getting to know someone for the purpose of discerning marriage.
Courtship was usually a relatively short period of time (a few months) and involved both people’s families and extended communities.
It wasn’t all about exploring sex or chemistry. It was more about logically decerning whether or not a particular person would make a good life partner.
While this method may seem outdated and the world has certainly changed, “dating” or courting for the purpose of marriage had a clear sense of direction.
There was an end goal. There was a shared purpose that both parties could agree on.
This eliminated a lot of the confusion that we see in the dating world today.
There were no confusing “what are we” conversations. There were no “exclusive, not dating” or “talking phases” or “things” between potential partners.
You were either friends, courting, engaged, or married.
Simple.
Straightforward.
If nothing else, this spared people a lot of the back-and-forth confusion that seems far too common today.
Today, dating is a road that leads nowhere.
Nobody can quite agree on a definition.
One person calls a one-to-one meeting “hanging out” while another calls it a “date.”
One person calls sleeping together “just chilling” and another calls it “lovemaking.”
One person calls their relationship “going out” and the other calls it “talking.”
One of the biggest problems I’ve seen is that there is a severe lack of clarity.
People aren’t honest about their intentions. Some don’t even know what their intentions are.
Is it friendship or a relationship? Is it committed or open? Is it permanent or temporary?
The issue is that most people teeter between one and the other.
It’s limbo. Relationship purgatory.
With the lack of clarity around the purpose of dating, we stay in a perpetual state of confusion.
Culprit #2 — We don’t prioritize self-improvement
Both men and women are guilty of this.
We have long lists of everything we want in a partner, but seldom stop and think about how we can better ourselves to become deserving of such a partner.
We focus our time on making money and enhancing our physical appearances, but don’t take the time to work on our mental health and improve our bad habits.
Ladies — a pretty face and a nice body will do nothing for you if you’re an insufferable drama queen.
Gents — a six-pack and a lot of cash will do nothing for you if you’re a misogynist.
Not in the long term anyway.
Social media and dating apps have conditioned us to think that our physical appearances are all that matter.
We spend so much time trying to find the perfect pictures to attract a mate but spend no time doing the work to improve our character flaws.
And we’ve all got them.
If we spent a tenth of the time we spend on physical beauty developing our spiritual beauty, we would be better off.
When was the last time you sat down and thought about how you could be a better daughter, sister, or friend?
When was the last time you thought about how you could serve the poor in your community?
How much time do you spend tearing people down versus building them up?
How much time do you spend complaining instead of being grateful?
Single or married, it doesn’t matter.
We should all be working to become better humans.
If you want a partner who is compassionate, kind, grateful, thoughtful, selfless, and attentive to the needs of those around him — what are you doing to exhibit those qualities yourself?
Until men and women realize this, they will remain of low value to each other.
Culprit #3 — Masculinity and feminity are under attack
Part of what makes relationships so beautiful is when masculine and feminine energies come together as one.
Society has spent so much time trying to convince men to be more like women and women to be more like men.
Men are told to cry more and be emotionally vulnerable. They are told to be less violent and less sexual. Men today are wearing dresses. They’re encouraged to get pedicures and their eyebrows threaded and their chests waxed.
Women are told to have more uncommitted, thoughtless sex. To chase their careers above all else. We’re told to be aggressive and assertive and independent. We’re told that doing everything a man can do is empowering, and every woman should strive to be a man’s equal.
Why can’t we call men and women to be the best versions of themselves?
Women are frustrated because men aren’t as “masculine” and “chivalrous” as they used to be. They don’t pay for dates, open doors, or give us flowers anymore. They don’t seem to want to take care of us and are only after our bodies.
Men are frustrated because women are running around screaming about hating men and accusing “all men” of perpetuating rape culture and the patriarchy. Men are constantly told that they aren’t needed, and independent women can take care of themselves.
Does anyone else see the problem here?
Both men and women are angry at each other for their own hypocrisies.
If men returned to protecting and caring for women, and women returned to respecting and complementing men (instead of trying to compete with them), dating would be easier on both of us.
Final thoughts
Dating — as in meeting potential partners — hasn’t gotten harder.
But keeping them around for a long-term, healthy relationship?
Well, that’s another story.
If we want to improve dating as a whole we need to start by doing three things:
- Operate with clarity. Let’s start being open and honest about our intentions — and request the same from the people we date. There should never be a state of limbo or confusion.
- Encourage people to work on themselves. Normalize taking personal responsibility. Pay as much attention to developing your character as you do your physical appearance — and encourage others to do the same.
- Embrace masculinity and feminity as compliments, not competitors. Men are not supposed to act like women, and women are not supposed to act like men. Do not be afraid to embrace your differences and balance each other out.
If we address these three culprits, we will see dating flourish.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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